I have always hated secrets. The novels I wrote all centre around secrets - secrets that are rotting away deep inside and that leak out, infecting both the person holding them and the people around them.
Over the past few months I have been holding a big secret of my own. Me and my spouse Kaspa have run a Buddhist temple for a decade. It is both of our heart work. We live on the ground floor of the four storey temple building alongside eight community members. The project has occupied the bulk of our time and energy since the idea first germinated. We are responsible for the building and the big garden, our residents, our broader Buddhist community, a ministry training programme and more. For the past six months, I have wanted to leave.
My reasons for wanting to move out are complicated, but I can most simply describe them as ‘geographical’. When I moved in, I didn’t realise that I was an introvert. I have always been good at connecting with people and holding space for others, and it took me a very long time to realise that not everyone feels utterly exhausted after doing this, and that enjoying it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a cost. I did some therapy work late last year and an image appeared - a part of me that was desperate for a circle of green all around me, symbolising a life lived out of a residential community, in a house with fences and doors and a little garden.
So far, so good. I was more in touch with my needs, which has always been difficult for me. I was trained from an early age by my family and society to put other’s needs before my own. I’m really good at that, too! If I could make someone else happy by bending myself a little, then I bend. Sometimes a little, and sometimes over backwards.
Kaspa was not ready to leave. They felt they had work to do here still. We entered an ongoing, at times difficult, conversation. What do we do when our needs are so different from the needs of someone close to us? This conversation is not my story to tell, but we eventually emerged from it (with Kaspa’s grace and blessing) united. Last week we finally told our Buddhist group that we are resigning from our position as leaders of the temple, and that we plan to move out later this year.
In a way, I had been keeping my introversion as a secret from myself. It was just too inconvenient to make space for.
It’s a fact that our work, our relationships or where we live rarely ‘suit us’ 100%. There is always a negotiation, a give and take, a weighing of pros and cons, a considering of realistic alternatives.
It has been totally right to live here for a decade. The pros have easily outweighed the cons. There were (and are) many wonderful things about running a temple and living in community here. We’ve had so many belly laughs over the years - at our Friday night community meals, working together on big garden projects or at our charity quiz nights. I do enjoy living alongside my lovely templemates, and appreciate the way that we look out for each other and help each other out. I have learnt so much here. It has been a privilege to take care of this beautiful place and the people in it. As we plan moving on, I have entered a grieving process - there will be so much I will miss.
Living in community has had an accumulative effect on my introverted parts, and they are done. I finally decided to speak up for what I need, even though that has been inconvenient or painful for some of those around me. It has not been easy. In some ways, it would have been easier to keep shutting my introverted parts up. I have guilt, and I am working with it. I will try to support those around me as best I can, and to be present to allow a smooth handover - I will not always manage this perfectly.
As I get older, it feels healthy to me that I am getting better at sharing my secrets with myself. Sometimes, if we don’t do this, our secret needs get bigger and more frustrated and then burst out in harmful ways. Sometimes they just poison us, everso everso slowly. Often, they find ways of leaking out regardless of our attempts at quashing them. They taint our offerings to others, and they blunt our enjoyment of this one precious life.
I’m not advocating for splurging our secrets willy-nilly. As terrible as I am at keeping them, I do see that there are secrets that should be kept - forever, or at least for a while longer. It is important to use our discernment around this. Who will benefit from this information getting out? Who will be harmed? Is the timing right? If it’s not helpful for others to know, how can we get support so we can continue to hold the secrets more comfortably?
This secret of mine needed fresh air. It was time. I trust that now it is out, we will find a way through. I trust that, despite the interim inconvenience and pain, in the long run it will be better for me AND for the temple if I honour these needs alongside the needs of others.
It will help us all to bloom.
Go gently,
Satya <3
You can read what Kaspa has written about our impending move (including a beautiful Buddhist teaching on impermanence) in our Buddhist newsletter, here. Briefly, Kaspa & I will continue to be heavily involved in co-leading the Bright Earth community, alongside our minister colleagues. The stewardship of the temple will be handed to a team of experienced folk. We’ll move locally and we’ll come back to run practice, have 1:1s etc. and we’ll still be running the ministry training programme. The temple is ready for an exciting new chapter!
An earlier piece on how it is for me to live in community…
How exciting and scary all at the same time I hope you have a circle of green to move to x
It seems to me that you are very brave. I relate very much to the recognizing, with time and work, what suits us and what doesn't, and how wanting to meet the needs of others can interfere with acknowledging (even to ourselves) when something isn't working for us. And, I also have a great resistance to change. That seems to be another Part that will convince me that, well, staying in the unsuitable situation is safer than embarking on a change. I'm glad you are willing to let go of the known to open to something more suitable.