Being Around Other's Anger
Ask Satya #4
Welcome to our fourth ‘Ask Satya’ where I answer a reader’s question - here’s the whole list so far. Todays is about the Trump administration, and how we might respond to a loved one’s hotly-expressed anger. I’m always happy to receive questions - send them to satya@satyarobyn.com.
I’ve lived in the suburbs of Washington, DC for 40 years and you can probably gather that things in the country, and especially in this area, are very very very scary and concerning right now. Most of my community and professional life revolves around people who have dedicated their lives to serving the people through their government employment – so the intensity of feelings (outrage, grief, fear, anger, anxiety) is high.
Like many Americans, I feel plenty of anger at the misguided people whose votes have gotten us into this situation. And I also know that hating and punishing and being angry isn’t going to help things get better. I am trying to channel my anger into helpful action, and am trying to work on my compassion for all my fellow travelers. But my husband is just living in his anger and has gone so far as to get a T-shirt with a hateful message. I am trying to respect his need to process this horror in his own way – I guess I have compassion for him too – and, I don’t like that he is setting out to add to the hatred.
I suppose I might have actually answered my own question – I will work on building compassion for him and the pain he is feeling. Still, those of us on the other side of the pond could probably use some help in navigating life these days. It truly is a big test for my Buddhist principles!
~ Elaine from Virginia, USA
Elaine - thank you so much for writing with your question. It is such an important one in these turbulent and (I agree with your take on this) very very scary times.
Firstly, I’d like to hear the difficulty of your position. I can hear that you are working really hard to hold and process your own (understandably) big emotions about what’s happening, including channeling and transforming your anger into compassion. I imagine that seeing a loved one getting stuck in their anger and blasting it outwards is painful, especially as you have little or no control over how they are handling it. Watching as his anger further inflames the already-inflamed situation sounds really tough.
Secondly, I’d like to extend empathy to your husband (as you also do beautifully in your letter). For whatever reason, his system is set up differently to yours and the best way he has of ‘staying afloat’ is of dwelling in and displaying his anger. I don’t imagine it’s much fun for him either!
I’m thinking about a few things as I mull your situation, and that of many folk across American and across the globe.
One is uncertainty. We human beings tend to hate not-knowing. With the fast-moving and unpredictable changes, I think many people have been plunged into this in a big way - what will happen next? How might it affect me or my loved ones? Where are we heading?
This feels related to power and control. There’s always a lot we’re not in control of when we’re governed by a body of folk, whether we elected them or not, but this is different when, for example, our very existence is threatened. Many of you know that my spouse is non-binary. We don’t even live in America and recent events have been deeply frightening and affecting. What might the folk in power do next?
As a middle-class white woman, I’ve been lucky enough to not be in a position of uncertainty and powerlessness as often as many other folk. Recently our toxic house-move process has given me a little taste of how awful it is to be dependent on someone else for my safety and wellbeing - especially when that somebody has been mean to me, or is unpredictable, or doesn’t seem to care about me no matter what I do. It sucks!
The other thing I’m holding is our human limitations. I certainly notice the gap in me between the things I feel I ought to be able to do and the things I actually am capable of. I have taken various actions in response to the climate crisis, but I’m not very politically engaged (apart from voting) - I could do more, and I don’t. I sometimes let my own frustrations out in an unskilful way, fanning the flames of polarisation and distrust. Maybe my understanding of what’s happening is one-sided or simplistic. Maybe I could do more to understand why people voted in the way they did and reach out to them. Etc. Etc. Etc.
All of this is really to say that there IS something really really scary about living in uncertainly, not having control, not trusting the people who have the power, and having limits.
So what helps? What can we do?
My advice is probably the same in this situation as it would be in any other when someone isn’t behaving in a way we would prefer them to.
First, offer curiosity and loving attention to your own parts.
What do your parts feel and why? Do you really get how frightened or furious or whatever they are? Can they see that they are being listened to and understood? Listen to them in silence, or on walks, or write in your journal, or go out into nature - whatever works best for you - and give them as much time and loving attention as they need. Keep doing this until you feel calmer. This may take a long time!
Questions for you, Elaine, might be - what are you afraid might happen if your husband continued to be this angry, or got more angry? What does that mean about your relationship, or his safety, or the state of the world etc. - what’s the worst case scenario? Why are your parts particularly upset by this? They’ll know.
Second, if possible and if he wants you to, offer some curiosity and loving attention to your husband’s/the other’s parts.
Offer the same to the other person - especially curiosity. If you don’t feel curious, then you need to go back to the first step until you do.
Elaine - it may help your husband if he really feels that his angry parts are welcomed and understood. What is their experience? What are they hoping for? What might happen if they stopped being so angry?
If you have even the slightest agenda of wanting him to be less angry, they probably won’t want to talk to you. I sometimes struggle with myself and the best I can do is say, ‘I’ve got parts that find it hard to really welcome your anger, and so I’m sorry I can’t listen to them without having judgements, but I do get that they have a good reason for doing what they do. I hope they get to be welcome somewhere else.’
It may also help to experiment with ‘Let Them’ - a new book by Mel Robbins.
You could ‘let him’ have his feelings and express them. You could also then practice ‘let me’ and work on what you might do yourself (which it sounds like you’re already doing) - spend time with sympathetic friends, go to peaceful protests, join a group working towards peace (like the Othering and Belonging Institute), do some regular metta meditation, spend time resting and nourishing yourself, focus on the good work you are already doing in your life - whatever helps.
Holding you both in mind with such tenderness. Also recognising my own frightened and furious parts, and all those who are suffering. Also acknowledging the parts of people who feel very differently about all this, and who think that it’s the best and only way to protect themselves and their loved ones.
Human beings, eh? How fragile we are. And how beautiful.
Go gently,
Satya <3
I just came across this very short video by my friend and Buddhist colleague Rev Liên Shutt - it feels very relevant to today’s question and I hope you find it helpful.
I think people don't "like" and don't engage, because they/we feel helpless. We feel helpless in the UK too. Perhaps we have a bit more common sense prevails here (at the moment), but even so our rivers and beaches are polluted due to capitalism has been allowed to go mad here (share holders are given preferential treatment over the whole population's good). I find when I put happy or beautiful personal posts or pictures on social media i get loads of likes from my friends and acquaintances, whereas if i put something political that's disturbing, whoah hardly anyone engages. We're exhausted and scared. I have to switch the news off a lot to help myself regain equilibrium. Wise, skilful, compassionate, yes we need to be very strong in that area to overcome the money being thrown in the opposite direction.
Thank you for this, Satya. It is lovely and helpful. I am pondering the ways in which our experience/training/biology around lack of power and not having control varies depending on whether we grew up in "male" or "female" bodies. This is probably relevant in the dynamic I shared.
It feels better for me to spend time curious about his responses, and how they may serve his parts, instead of living in judgement about possible consequences. I expect I've shut down some of his process through my disapproval.
(One explanation for the lower engagement on this post, at least on this side of the pond, is the overload we are experiencing. My inbox is flooded with bad news and action alerts. That makes it difficult to find a moment to explore something which deserves thoughtful consideration. We are too busy reacting.)