Gentle Wisdom from Kaspa Thompson
Impossible standards, the Buddha's advice & being held
It’s true, I am biased. Kaspa (they/them) has been my spouse for twelve years and I have been blessed with a wonderful marriage. It is also true that I have always admired Kaspa’s gentle wisdom and so they are the perfect candidate for our next interview. Get ready for some of their gems… ⭐
How has gentleness served you in your life?
For a long time in my life, I gave the impression of being relaxed and at ease. I remember you once telling me that I was good at taking breaks, for example. But that slowness was a reaction to strong self-critical inner voices and parts that pushed me and held me to an impossible standard. That slowness (and often stuckness) came from the fear of not being able to reach those impossible standards. It was not real gentleness at all.
Through all of those years I trusted that there was a very slow process of being carried to a genuinely kinder place. For me, this showed up as faith in the nembutsu, my Buddhist practice. Not faith in its power to transform me in a single moment, but that by doing the practice I was stepping into a river that would ultimately take me where I needed to go.
That was and still is a very deep kind of gentleness.
As you get older, what seems to be more and more true?
I have dropped many of those impossible standards, and I find that, ironically, I am more likely to get closer to them since doing so. Without the pressure of achieving a particular kind of greatness I am freed to begin exactly where I am and take whatever the next right steps are from that place. Usually that means I end up somewhere good, even if it’s not where I imagined.
The times I do still act from oughts and shoulds are the times I am more likely to get into trouble.
Are there times when I talk myself into doing something because it's the right thing to do, or into doing something that is good for another person? Yes, but that has a very different feel from the oughts and shoulds of the past, which were based in my insecurity. Duty based on genuine compassion is completely different to duty based on insecurity.
Do you have an object, a motto or a quote which guides you?
I sometimes explicitly ask the Buddha for guidance. Most often when I am sitting in front of the Buddha statue in my office. What usually comes back is a feeling of something like, ‘just keep going’. I could take that as ‘Oh look at me I already know what the right thing to do is!’ But it’s not an affirmation of that at all, rather it is an encouragement to trust in being taken where I need to go.
‘Keep going’ could sound very pushy, I suppose, but it doesn’t have that feel to it at all. Sometimes the steps forward are very small. Perhaps a better translation of the feeling that comes to me would be, ‘Stick with it’ or even Julian of Norwich’s ‘All shall be well.’
It's good to know that wise people (like you) aren't perfect. What would you like to confess?
What’s possible to confess here is a much smaller list than what I have that is worthy of confession.
How about that I got a jolt of ego-joy from seeing myself described as wise, even though I know you have sent exactly the same question to everyone in this series? As Shrinran said, “I only teach Buddhism for fame and profit.”
More seriously, I have come to see very clearly that I have had sharp, strong reactions in the past that have harmed other people. I have gotten to know those parts of me better over the years, and I think they are generally softer now, but I’m sorry for the times when they have hurt other people.
If you could pass on one piece of wisdom, what would it be?
You are loved. There is a force in the universe (or perhaps it is the universe itself) that holds each of us with loving kindness. The most important work of being human is to notice that. Easy to say, difficult to trust, but I am deeply confident that it is true. And not just that we are loved, but that we are also each part of what loves.
Kaspa writes personal stories with universal meaning at Just As You Are - go subscribe!
Gentleness has been my mantra lately ❤️
Thank you, you two!
I know very little about Pure Land Buddhism. Shrinran has profited greatly from you both.