Am I Worthy Of Taking Breaks?
How to avoid Substack-writing (& all kinds of overworking) overwhelm
Like a pressure cooker approaching the scream, several conditions came together at once. Would I explode or implode? I needed to find a way of turning off the heat.
My week had been over-full, with more appointments than I would have liked plus my new twice-daily Earth prayer commitment plus the usual spanners in the works. I had been relying on my retreat Friday (‘I can cope because I have a completely appointment-free day soon’) but in the event, Friday was also crammed to the gills with important things I needed to do1.
We talk here about Going Gently and ironically (but not surprisingly) I have ended up writing three regular Substacks. I notice that I just used the phrase ‘ended up’, as if they landed on me having fallen from the sky. I have chosen to write three Substacks. On Friday this commitment to write at least three pieces every week, plus my psychotherapy clients and my duties running and leading the temple, suddenly felt as if it was suffocating me.
This ‘too many appointments’ thing is a familiar and ongoing dilemma. I love to do lots of things! I have many passions and callings! I find great meaning and purpose in my work! And, alas, I am a limited being!
As the decades have passed, several good things have happened:
I have got better at putting less into my diary
I have got better at recognising when things are getting tight and making the appropriate adjustments, increasingly before a melt-down is necessary
I have got better at knowing myself and being honest about my actual capacity, especially when it comes to holding space for other people, which I love to do but which always takes energy from me and which necessitates some time alone
I have got better at forgiving myself when things go off the rails and I end up feeling like a forgotten pressure cooker
All these things have helped a LOT.
This latest arghghghh felt a bit different. What was going on?
Fresh insights starting sliding into place during my weekly meeting with a group of colleague Buddhist teachers (who are wise and kind). One teacher spoke about things being ‘upside down’ as they were writing from a place of ought in order to produce content on a schedule, rather than following the wisdom and pace of what actually needed to be written. Another gifted me with a short phrase just before we signed off: “Attend to the self”. My curiosity was also piqued when I mentioned in a comment to
that I took one Friday retreat day a month and she said, “why not work towards having two?”I checked in with my intentions. Why am I here on Substack in the first place? Having paid subscribers here means I can rearrange my schedule to give myself time to write. I cannot tell you how marvellous this is. And, I am not just here to earn my living. I am here because I want to share what is precious to me.
Can I best share what’s precious by pressuring myself to produce content? Of course not. The best way is to make spaces, so that the important themes and insights can slowly rise to the top of me, like cream to the top of milk. The best way is to treat myself as I am encouraging others to treat themselves. The best way is to allow words to land on my hand like butterflies, not to drag them out of me by their ears.
Why have I been afraid of doing those things? Because I have been worried that I would upset my subscribers (you). Why was I worried? Because I don’t believe that this ‘give what I can’ version of me is worthy of your time, your attention, your money.
There she is - hiding at the back, sat on the dirty floor, hugging her knees. The young part of me who believes I am not worthy.2
Of course it is a luxury for me to be considering cutting back or having more breaks. Many folks don’t have the choices I have. When our history, environment, bodies, fellow humans and circumstances conspire to shove pressure onto us, it’s sometimes as much as we can do to make it from one end of the day to the other without the despair taking us under.
And, I’m not really talking about the money here, or my schedule. I’m talking about my self-imposed punishments, which are an attempt at mitigating my inherent unworthiness. I am talking about the things I think I need to do in order to keep other people happy, at the cost of my own wellbeing. I am talking about the crack in my foundations.
‘Am I worthy of taking breaks?’ is the wrong question.
The right question is, ‘Why do I not feel worthy of taking breaks?’
The right questions are, ‘What breaks do I need? What breaks do I want? What are the consequences of not taking breaks? What can I do to help myself thrive? What is sustainable in the longer term? Under what conditions can I best serve all living beings, including myself?’
Put your own oxygen mask on first. Nourish yourself so you can nourish others. “Attend to the self.” My young girl part, sitting in the gloom, lifts up her head at these words and cautiously meets my eyes. I smile at her, and say sorry. The tears come. I hold out my hand. She looks at me for a long time, wondering if she can believe that I have come for her.
From today, I will be doubling my writing ‘weeks off in a year’ from four to eight, bringing it into line with the time I take off from my psychotherapy practice. I will take new regular time away from Gentle Buddhism. If I have an occasional week of low inspiration or high pressure, I will share an old piece of writing with you rather than strapping myself to my desk. I promise that little girl that I will review this regularly. (She is smiling.)
As I finish writing this piece I am swishing with a colourful mix of feelings. There is a great deal of relief - I have given myself permission to have what I need, and that is a new skill, and a great gift. I trust myself a little more. I am curious about whether anyone will cancel their paid subscriptions, or whether new folk will be less likely to sign up, and if that happens it will be really okay.
More than anything, I am excited about writing to you in the coming months and years. In giving myself breaks and squishy cushions-of-time and holidays by the seaside, my passion for writing reignites over and over like a trick birthday candle. Rather than a duty, my writing becomes an adventure and an honour. It becomes a sparkling opportunity to make offerings that open hearts.
I am offering these words to you today as I would offer a flower. My heart is open.
Go gently,
Satya <3
Tell me: Do you feel unworthy of breaks? Do you feel unworthy of other things? Do you know why? What beliefs do your young parts hold about you or the world? What is the consequence of you not doing or receiving or asking for the things you feel unworthy of? Under which circumstances are you most likely to flourish? How could you work towards making that happen? What one thing might you do this week?
What a peculiar phrase - do fish overeat?
I struggle with taking breaks too.
As a subscriber to maybe a couple too many Substacks, I can tell you that I prefer when writers write when they have something to say, whether that's once a day or once a month. My subscription choices are based on quality, resonance, and engagement, not quantity or regularity.
Just don't ask me if I follow my own advice!
Tell me: Do you feel unworthy of breaks? Do you feel unworthy of other things? Do you know why? What beliefs do your young parts hold about you or the world? What is the consequence of you not doing or receiving or asking for the things you feel unworthy of? Under which circumstances are you most likely to flourish? How could you work towards making that happen? What one thing might you do this week?