Gentle Wisdom from Satya Robyn
Because it's only fair if I do this before I ask other people to...
Welcome to my very first Gentle Wisdom interview with… myself! We’ve all had such different lives and we’ve all learnt different things from our time on this beautiful planet with our complicated fellow humans. It seems only sensible to swap notes… I’m really excited to bring these questions to a smorgasbord of interesting folk, some already waiting in the wings. Watch this space ⭐ Read on for my bash at five (slightly tricky) questions which I’ll be asking all our future guests.
How has gentleness served you in your life?
I arrived very late at the gentleness party. I’m 48 and it’s only in the past few years that I’ve truly experienced the value of softness and kindness as a conduit to not just ease and joy but also to necessary fierceness, sharp wisdom and general all-round wellbeing.
Gentleness is helping me to be more honest about myself and my limits, which has helped me to organise my life in a way that suits me better. These days I have more space, I am able to show up more authentically, and I am spending more time doing the things that make me happy. There are also fewer arguments inside my head. Sometimes I think that gentleness is the key to everything.
As you get older, what seems to be more and more true?
I spent a lot of my life trying to work out what other people most needed from me, and then giving them that.
This has had many advantages - I think I have been useful to people, and I got really good at things like tuning into other people and being responsive.
I am beginning to learn, however, that I can only squeeze myself into different shapes for a limited period of time. Eventually I spring back into ‘Satya-shape’ again, and that often leads to trouble. I suddenly lose my patience with someone I’ve been patient with for a very long time, or I let someone down at the last minute because I never really wanted to do the thing with them anyway.
So what seems to be more & more true is that what’s best for the world (in the long run) is to be honest about what I’m capable of and about what my preferences are. Of course sometimes we need to do things we don’t want to. Of course it’s good to keep expanding our comfort zone, dipping our toe into slightly scary experiences. These days, though, if I have a limit, I try to state it as a fact - ‘I’m not good at looking after sick people’, or ‘I need more time alone this weekend and so I can’t see you for coffee’.
This means that I’m not making unrealistic promises to the other person, and we all seem to get along better in the long run, even if there are disappointments in the short term.
So, in short, ‘be yourself’!
Do you have an object, a motto or a quote which guides you?
I stole my motto from my dear friend Terry Keenan, a Buddhist monk, writer & artist living in Ireland. He wrote one of my top ten books of all time, Zen Encounters with Loneliness (my list is coming soon…). His motto is only six words but for me they sum up the aims of my entire life, and the aims of my every moment.
no blame, be kind, love everything
How impossible, and how luminous. If things are going wrong I return to these words. Who or what am I blaming? How am I being unkind to others or to myself? How can I expand my love to include the whole Universe? This touchstone of a motto never lets me down, and it is a constant comfort.
It's good to know that wise people (like you) aren't perfect. What would you like to confess?
Sometimes I feel like my writing here at Going Gently is one long embarrassing confession… but there’s always more, isn’t there?
Maybe I’ll share the small thing that feels most embarrassing to me right now, in the hope that I might feel better afterwards… So, I have a fan girl part, which gets big crushes on writers or Buddhist teachers or famous people I admire, and then turns me into a simpering people-pleasing mess around them.
I don’t feel better yet, I just feel more embarrassed…
Maybe I need my motto! Can I be kind to the fan girl part of myself? Let’s see. Yes, she’s embarrassing, but I think her motivation is understandable. She wants me to hang out with these people so I can be more like them. She also doesn’t think that I’m likeable unless I make ‘extra effort’. So she does what she thinks will help. Parts of me would rather replace her with an ‘ultra-cool’ part, but maybe I can find a way of living with her for now!
If you could pass on one piece of wisdom, what would it be?
I’d like to offer people the entire marvellousness of a way of seeing the world called Internal Family Systems, but if I had to choose a single nugget of gold from this body of thought it would be this:
The different parts of us are always doing their best to try and help us.
This applies to my fan girl part, my food-binging part (trying to distract me from gnarly emotion), my over-working part (trying to get me affirmation to neutralise the feelings of not-good-enough), and all of my least popular parts.
It’s true for everyone I’ve ever met too - e.g. self-critical parts are often trying to protect people from being judged, and violent parts are often protecting people from being overwhelmed by their shame.
Knowing this helps me to keep an open mind when I or someone else is ‘behaving badly’. It’s not okay when people are exploitative or cruel, and we definitely need to look after ourselves and vulnerable others by setting boundaries. And, I can imagine the suffering that is inside the person doing the exploitative thing. Their cruel parts don’t know any other way of protecting them or of keeping their systems steady. These parts are doing their best to help, from within their limited knowledge and capacities.
So my experience is that we’re all trying our best - even when we’re f***ing it up. You may or may not agree with me and that’s okay! For me, this belief always guides me to compassion towards myself and others.
That seems like a good thing.
Satya is a Buddhist priest, IFS psychotherapist & writer living on the Malvern hills in the UK. She’s been writing at Going Gently since January this year and she is absolutely loving it.
More Gentle Wisdom coming soon 💚
For me, the term GENTLE is essential in my spiritual practices.
I had a meditation teacher that repeatedly said your mind will wonder. That is normal. The great practice to gracefully master is to GENTLY bring the attention back to the breath.
While doing my Qigong movements my mind wonders. I then use the same principle to GENTLY bring my attention to my body and especially my Lower Dantian.
Shortly after the workshop, I came across this quote.
“In the end, only three things matter;
How much you loved,
How gently you lived.
And how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
Jack Kornfield
Today I registered for the paid subscription of Going Gently.
By faith, I anticipate the following.
Sparks to fire my imagination
Showers of spiritual blessings
Waves of precious insights
Fascinating perspectives from others on the same question
Insights about how the Internet can be harnessed for the greater good
Seeing life through the lens of a Buddhist
Experiencing a kind and caring online community
This will be a restart of a journey I had with Satya years ago.
I received many benefits from Small Stones led by Satya for years.
I treasure the attitude, perspectives, and insights she brings.
I enjoy her creativity, kindness, and community-building talent.
She taught me that good writing includes much editing.
I learned that much can be communicated with a few well-chosen words.