In Praise of Fierceness (GRRRAARR!)
What if it's not my job to make other people happy?
I’ve had my eye on Bayo Akomolafe’s work for a few years. He describes himself as:
An author, celebrated speaker, teacher, and self-styled trans-public intellectual (a concept imagined together with and inspired by the shamanic priesthood of the Yoruba healer-trickster) - whose vocation goes beyond justice and speaking truth to power to opening up other spaces of power-with, and queering fond formulations and configurations of hope.
The different parts of me1 have a strong reaction to his presence online. A selection of the voices: ‘he’s way too cool for me’… ‘he’s got something really important that I desperately need’… ‘if I get closer to his orbit I’ll just embarrass myself’… ‘he’s too big for his own boots’… ‘just step away or you’ll get burnt’. I also react to his work with a perplexed ‘what IS it?!’, and this is the voice I’m intrigued to follow.
This morning the invitation to his yearly course dropped into my inbox, and I found myself called to step forwards. One of the questions on the application form asks us to create a ritual by making ‘a 3-day promise to “the Other.” The Other refers to a state of being, an event, an embodied thing, a critter, anything beyond your identity which cannot be grasped by your own personal ways of knowing. Make a promise to the other; say you’ll do something.”
I was flummoxed about how to approach this and then some words dropped into my lap from God-knows-where. “What if it’s not my job to make other people happy?”
My ritual emerged from these words. For the next three days I will call upon the energy of Manjushri, the Buddha who holds a ferocious knife and who slices through things to reveal the shining truth. Manjushri Buddha is not a people-pleaser. I don’t know them very well, but I have just learnt one of their mantras and I will carry it through my days. What will they have to show me?
I have been pondering about my writing here, rebelling against all the gentleness and desiring to stir some danger into the mix. I don’t want gentle to be conflated with or mistaken for nice, oblivious, cowardly or vanilla. It is a rebalancing, as pushed-away parts of me find their voices. These parts know that sometimes we need to leap into the raging waters, or do the really unpopular thing, or scream ‘NO’. These parts know about the climate apocalypse, about oppression, about the starving and the gorging. They know about the cruel and desperate parts of me and of us all.
Can I have gentleness and the extraordinary courage of Manjushri?
I am a little frightened by what might emerge over the next few days and, if I am accepted, what might emerges from the course. I also feel the fizz of excitement. I remember something Kaspa told me this week - passed on to them by someone else - that we are always either expanding or contracting our comfort zone. This reminds me in turn of an idea from the 12 step programmes - that we are either taking a step towards our Higher Power or towards our addiction. Like sitting on a bicycle, it’s hard to stay upright unless we’re going somewhere. We just have to choose which direction to cycle in.
I have chosen my direction, and I am wobbling off. I’ll probably fall off before long and bruise my knees, but I think there might be an amazing view just around the next corner...
Go gently,
Satya <3
POSTSCRIPT: It’s three days later and I have just made the decision not to take the course after all. It’s a little embarrassing to admit to you, as I was so enthusiastic! Who knew I’d be turning my bicycle around so soon… This sometimes happens - that my parts are equally split between ‘very excited to do a thing’ and ‘don’t want to do a thing at all’ and they can flip-flip violently between one position and another.
Alongside pragmatic reasons (e.g. I’ve only just finished a two year course and I want space before diving into anything new) I think the main reason for changing my mind was identifying parts that felt I ought to do the course. These parts said that it would be good for me, that I should go on adventures, that I need to learn more about activism and making offerings in order to be worthy…
Ironically, the ritual I chose helped those people-pleasing/oughty parts to relax a bit. When I was able to give myself a choice about whether to do the course this year or next (or to do something else entirely) a clear NO arose and my whole being was immediately relieved and delighted.
I think I’ll keep my relationship with Manjushri going, though. I think I still have a lot to learn from them.
Tell me: What voices inside you have you been ignoring? What ‘Other’ might you create a ritual for and encounter over the next few days? Do you have people-pleasing parts? What might you do if you had access to more fierce compassion? What else is alive in you as you read my words? I’d love to hear.
I speak about parts of myself because I am guided by the magic of Internal Family Systems - I’ve also written an intro 4 week intro course here on Substack which you can access as a paid subscriber. If you can’t afford a subscription just let me know & I’ll add you with no questions asked.
Morning Satya. I’m sure you know this but just in case....
Manjushri is known as The Gentle Voiced One. So he is Gentle AND Fierce.
Love, Parami
I think your gift, Satya (not your job, but your innate ability) is not so much to make other people happy, as to give them enough comfort to be themselves. That is both wildly fierce and profoundly gentle. As are you.