Getting Curious

Why aren't we already different?

2025 is upon us! I am inviting you to make two gentle vows for January & beyond - read more here. Mine are ‘more play’ & ‘less ambition’. Over the coming weeks we'll be looking at our vows through four windows. Here's the first… ✨

Photo by Andrew James

I sometimes say to my therapy clients, ‘if it were easy, you’d already be doing it.’ Therapy is expensive and takes energy and time, and we only invest in it because something is stuck.

This is why gentle vows are necessary. I would have liked to have had more play in my life for a good while. It hasn’t happened yet, and so I’m applying some loving attention to the stuckness in order to see why this is so.

If you do nothing else this week, I’d suggest that you ask yourself these questions in relation to your vows. Bring them to mind once a day, with as much curiosity as possible.

✨ How does my system benefit from me being how I am right now?

✨ What are the possible risks of becoming more (…) or less (…)?

✨ What needs to happen in order for me to become more (…) or less (…)?

If you’re the journaling type, maybe do some writing. If you like to talk things over with friends, ask for their input. You can also keep a curious eye on yourself when things happen that are related to your vows.

Try not to limit the answers as they appear. They may come at the time of your question or later, in the form of feelings, images or memories. You may have insights that arrive through watching a television programme or something you overhear in the street. You might have a strange dream. Ask the questions, wield your beautiful curiosity, and then keep your eyes and ears open.

Me as an example

Let me ask myself these question about my ‘less’ vow - ambition - by which I mean the unhealthy kind: the too-hard push in me to be more successful/popular/rich at the cost of what I actually want to do.

✨ How does my system benefit from me being ambitious in this way?

When I first consider this question I think that my ambitious drive has brought me all sorts of benefits. Worldly success, money, fame… And then I think about the big success of my second novel, which was a complete lucky accident. And the opportunity to run a Buddhist temple for ten years - again, totally beyond my control. Has my ambition brought me all these good things, or does it just think it has?

There are certainly ways it does benefit my system. I feel less ‘lazy’ because it makes me work hard. It keeps a certain hope alive - that I can live ‘happily ever after’ when I finally ‘make’ it (whatever that means - it’s a shifting feast!). It gives me something to do - some purpose and meaning. It helps me to feel less out of control. It gives me some of my identity. I feel like a good citizen. I could go on.

✨ What are the possible risks of becoming more (…) or less (…)?

If I became less ambitious maybe I would stop trying altogether and just lie on the sofa all day and I’d run out of money and nobody would like me and I’d hate my life.

If I became less ambitious maybe I would find out that I’m actually a total failure.

If I became less ambitious maybe I would become much more successful and that’s scary in its own way (greater exposure and vulnerability, all the energy I’d need to expend, the complications of having more money/work/readers, further to fall etc.)

I could go on.

✨ What needs to happen in order for me to become more (…) or less (…)?

Hmm. I think I’d need to grieve the loss of those hopes - the hopes that more success or money or readers would solve my problems. I think I’d need to spend more time with the parts of me that push me, and understand them more deeply. I think I’d need to find some way of noticing when my ambition is kicking in, and making a different choice. I think I’d need to keep getting better at being kind to myself, and generally going gently. I think I’d need to get better at different ways of deciding what to do and what not to do - driven not by ambition but by intuition, common sense, kindness to myself and others, the Buddha’s advice, and joy. Yes - following the joy!

I notice that, as I write, I am already feeling a little lighter.

Your turn! Maybe jot some notes down before you read on.

Photo by Daiga Ellaby

Suggestions for digging a little deeper

You might want to try some Internal Family Systems (IFS) as a way of digging deeper into the questions and your answers.

If you’re not familiar with IFS or if you want a recap, have a read of my introduction with puppies.

Now - let’s begin to get a sense of the parts involved in your vows. It might help to close your eyes when you ‘go inside’. Don’t worry if it’s all a bit fuzzy in there to start with - this kind of internal dialogue gets easier with practice.

❔ Ask your system - which are the main parts of you involved in each of your vows? (just pick one to start with).

My ‘less ambition’ vow involves my team of manager parts - the ones that are so excellent at getting stuff done and at managing all the things that need to be managed. There are a lot of them!

❔ Ask these parts - which would like you to talk to it first? See who steps forwards.

The part I’m most interested in right now is a part of me that longs for fame.

❔ Ask yourself - how do you feel towards this part?

This is where we check for Self-energy. If you feel curious or compassionate towards this target part, then you can carry on - there is enough Self-energy present. If you hate it or are a little scared of it or have any other feelings towards it, this tells us that there’s another part hanging around - one that hates it, or is a little scared of it etc… See if these parts are willing to give you a little space, and then check again and see how you feel towards the part. Repeat until you feel curious or compassionate towards the part. Let me know if you get stuck with this bit!

I feel curious towards this part of me. I’m wondering where it came from and why it is so strong.

❔ Ask the part - what would it like you to know about your vow? How does it feel about it? What information does it have for you? What stops it from allowing you to have more or less of something? Hang out with the part, listen to it, check it feels understood.

My fame part wants me to know that it does have a positive effect on me, making sure that my particular gifts get to the right people, and help as many folk as possible. It also wants me to see that if it didn’t work really hard, it fears that I might disappear completely - nobody would notice me, I’d be all alone.

❔ Ask the part - what support does it need from you in order to move towards your gentle vow?

My part would like me to get to know the fear of being alone.

❔ Once the part has told you everything it wants to say, offer it your appreciation.

My part did a little bow back to me. It’s got sparkly glasses on and looks fab. It loves that I appreciate its costume!

❔ See if any of your other parts have anything to add on the subject of your vow. Repeat until you’ve heard from all the parts that want to speak, or let them know that you’ll return to them some other time.

If you ever feel stuck or resistant during this process or if you just feel icky, back away from the part you’re trying to speak to. When you have enough space you can ask the stuckness/ickyness parts what they are worried about (or just thank your parts and try again another time).

The main rule with IFS is that we go gently, and that we respect the self-protection in our systems. There will probably be pockets of vulnerability connected to your vows. You’ll be able to look after these vulnerable parts much better if you trust that it never helps to push.

So - that feels like plenty. I’d be really interested to hear how you get on with any of these suggestions. Where did you get confused or stuck? What is arising? What do you need to be kinder to yourself? Do share in the comments.

The final seven newsletters are going out over January to my paid subscribers only. On Friday I’ll share a video and then next week we’ll be looking at making some actual teensy adjustments to our daily lives.

Enjoy playing with your vows this week,

Go gently,
Satya <3

---