How To Feel Better About Everything
#4 You are not alone
This is the last in my short series on how to feel better - here’s week one, two & three. Today - how to feel better about everything. Next week - how I’m doing!
Yesterday we encountered a tangle with our house-buying process and it left me feeling utterly distraught - not because my life was actually in danger but because it twanged a very young and vulnerable part of me who truly believed that the sky was falling in. I felt awful.
Big and small, most of us have a long list of things that are making us feel bad.
Money problems. Politics. The common cold. Menopause. Right-wing violence. Massive biodiversity loss. Tricky relatives. Tripping over a toy someone left on the carpet and hurting your foot. Wildfires. Crime. Broken toilets. Disappointment meals in restaurants. Serious health issues. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Some of us have much longer lists than others, or have items on our lists that include big social injustices or intergenerational trauma or great physical suffering.
These lists get longer and then shorter again, and sometimes they are particularly long and heavy. When they’re heavy, it may be that the most we can do is try and keep our heads (just about) above water. These are not times to worry about not feeling good, but times to feel pleased if we’ve managed to get out of bed and feed ourselves.
We all have different burdens to carry. And, I think that most of us feel strained by the weight of our burdens at least some of the time - even if they don’t compare in size or complexity to the burdens of others.
We are all built so differently and we have all dealt so differently with the inevitable psychological injuries of our childhoods. It can be tempting to judge other’s burdens as either much bigger or much smaller than ours, but we never really know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes.
Sometimes others will have similar items to us on their own list - knowing how it is to live with an alcoholic, or struggling with money, or living with a chronic illness. Sometimes they’ll be quite different to ours. Either way (to mix my metaphors) we’re all in the same boat of having-lists. When I remember that, I feel a little better.
Here are some other things that help me. I hope that they will help you to feel better too.
⭐ Remember that you are not alone.
Nobody knows exactly how it is to suffer in the way you are suffering, but there will definitely be some people out there who mostly get it. Others who have lost their homes to flooding, or who struggle with feelings of utter worthlessness, or who have children with serious illnesses.
It can help to try and find these people - even if you just listen to them and feel less as if you are the only one in the Universe suffering in your particular way. If it feels too difficult to look for them right now, it can help to just trust that they are there.
⭐ Go gently on yourself.
Life can be really, really, really tough sometimes. This might be because really horrible things have happened to you or to those you love, or it may be because you’re especially vulnerable and susceptible to being hurt by those things. It’s usually a combination of the two. What often compounds the toughness of these times is the parts of us that try to help by criticising us like CRAZY.
“We shouldn’t have allowed ourselves to get into this mess.” “We should try harder or be better or solve everything immediately.” “This is all confirmation that there is something terribly wrong with you and I will flood you with shame to make sure you don’t forget it.”
If you can, try and notice when these self-critical parts of you are active. Be curious about what they’re trying to do and why. The more you can notice them (known in IFS as ‘unblending’) the more space you’ll have from them and the more possible it will be to get to know them and help them rather than just be controlled by them.
You’re doing your best, under the circumstances and with the resources and capacity you’ve currently got. Be as kind to yourself as you can.
⭐ Remember parts.
In a related point to above, if we simply remember that we have parts it can help us to unblend from them a teensy bit. Our parts completely overwhelm us when we’re in extreme circumstances - they feel like it’s the only option they have. It’s as if they only have a hammer and so, when things get difficult, they just bang it really really hard!
Remembering that we have parts can also remind us that we’re more than just the part of us that is at the driving seat. If we are flooded by fear, we can remember that there are many parts of us that aren’t afraid. If we are feeling self-critical, we can remember that there are other parts of us that feel really proud of us. Even if we can’t access them right now, they are there.
⭐ Remember impermanence.
We’ve had this one before but I’ll say it again. Things do change - even the things that feel completely immovable. Even pandemics pass. Even situations that feel intolerable somehow become tolerable again. There is always a possibility of positive change.
⭐ Experiment with the idea that just maybe all is as it should be.
I am not suggesting that we shouldn’t stop trying to reform our toxic systems. I’m not saying we shouldn’t take appropriate action. I’m not saying that things don’t happen that just totally suck. I am suggesting that it may be helpful to consider the possibility that what is happening will have unexpected benefits for you in the future and maybe for others too.
Maybe you’ll learn something you couldn’t have learnt in any other way. Maybe you’re being asked to wait for something because the circumstances aren’t quite ripe. Maybe you’ve missed out on something because something even better is just around the corner.
I’m not saying that these things are definitely true. I’m wondering how it would feel to experiment with the idea that they might be. (It helps me a great deal.)
⭐ Forgive yourself liberally and often.
Because we are human. Because humans mess up. Because we deserve our understanding and our forgiveness - just as others do.
Sometimes it may take a while to allow forgiveness to arrive and soak into us (like the sun coming out from behind a cloud on a cool day and warming our cheeks). Stay open to it and it will come.
I’d love to hear what helps you to feel better about stuff - little or big - and it will help others to read it too. Do let me know in the comments.
I’ll see you on Friday for our last video. The previous ones are here.
Go gently my loves,
Satya <3
Ah this is timely for me, Satya. And, I am sure, for many many others! Thank you. Your writing is a gift 🙏
I love these suggestions. In answer to your question about what makes me feel better about stuff I have an odd one. I like to remember my mortality. This posture started when I read the book "4000 weeks - time management for mortals" (4000 weeks being the average lifespan.) When things get heavy it is helpful for me to remember I won't be around forever, and there's only so much I can do. I'm 60 years old now, so if I get an average lifespan I have 20 more years. I'm doing all I can to engage with the "stuff" that is sculpting my life, but also remembering that all that stuff will either end with me or find its own way forward without me is oddly helpful. I hope that doesn't sound morbid or defeatist. I don't mean it to. I'm just a part of a story that is way larger than me. That helps me:)