As a child I was ‘the clever’ one & great expectations were laid on me. I flunked the A level subject that I was going to study at Uni & missed a top Uni place. A teacher said to me “ well you haven’t done very well, have you”, before I’d seen my results. That has haunted me for 40 years & still hurts. I have
a failed marriage, no ‘career’ to speak of & then got MS. There are lots of things I’m good at & can be proud of, but the failure to live up to my & others’ expectations doesn’t diminish.
It's tough to shake those things, especially when they 'bed in' early. If only that teacher had known what effect they'd have... glad to hear about the things you're good at and proud about too. Let's linger there for a little while 😊
This was healing and so helpful. I worry about how much I say, or contribute, or sign on for in my Sangha. I second guess my speech, as is it assertive enough, is it humble enough, is it right speech, kind, compassionate, and so on it goes. Sometimes I feel I am faking it until I make it ( whatever making it means) and have this restless, internal voice that pulls, pushes me around. Do I practice enough, meditate right, accept my own flaws and not be critical of others? Ah, I worry that to some that see a leader in me , others see a hoax? I am a good person but I have difficulty putting the worry stick down. Is that why I seek refuge in Buddha? Or seek refuge in a good nap!
Thanks Jay good to have you here - as I said earlier, lots of Buddhists here today - I'm curious about that... I'm glad to be a Pure Land Buddhist, which begins from the position of our foolishness and encourages us to trust Amitabha to lead us to enlightenment - when I get too critical of myself, it helps to remember the depth of my greed hate & delusion (and the buddhanature at the very bottom) - oh, no WONDER it's hard for me to do that. I think refuge in a nap is a very sensible thing!!
My brother and I grew up worrying. Our home life was dysfunctional on steroids. What helped was Al-Anon. It helped us understand what you can and cannot control, and gave us tools to help keep our sanity. When I found Buddhism I found even greater help. Do I still worry about my husband’s cancer, getting older, extra weight, climate change, senseless violence, will SSI go bankrupt . . . yes I do. But I remember suffering with worry changes nothing - so I breath deep and do what I can to mitigate things at my level. Is this a benefit of old age, good friends, the love of a special dog, a 12 step program, and good Buddhist teachers all of whom remind me there is a resource greater than my self? Yes. And - I am so very grateful to all of them. 🙏❤️
Hurray for all that. You have a lot on your plate, and so it's great to hear about these sources of support. And good to list them, because others might find support there too.
I worry about losing control; about those days (or longer periods) when so much is happening that it feels overwhelming. But also I worry, if over a long period I am not busy enough ( I feel I could/should be doing more ). I have just finished a 16 month period of working back full time in Children's Social Care. When I committed to this I worried that at 68 years old I may simply not cope like I used to do. But I did and I could see that my regular meditation and other Buddhist practices have accumulatively over the years helped my resilience. I found I was able to give a lot, but without worrying as much as I used to do about failure. Currently, as my contract has ended, I have fallen off the cliff and am worrying about how to use all the time available. My zen training teaches me to be with what is present as that is sufficient and that helps (most of the time!)
Hi Neil lovely to have you here & I appreciate your honest sharing. There's always something new to train with, isn't there? Great to hear how you could see how different you are when you returned - I think it's so helpful to look back years or even decades sometimes, just so we can see how far we've come!
I worry about failing in Buddhist practice curiously! Ie, oops I haven’t meditated, or oops my speech was judgemental and harsh, or oh dear I’m mistrustful of too much saintliness! I have changed over the years, though it feels like getting harder now to wear away those rougher edges . I’m defensively clinging into my ‘flaws’ so as to keep a sense of me perhaps...
So many Buddhists seem to beat themselves with this stick. I wonder if it's built into Western Buddhism somehow... makes sense that you'd be clinging onto your 'flaws' - I see my flaws as my parts' unique way of helping me stay steady - they'll keep doing it as long as it's necessary for my overall balance. It's easier for me to welcome them now, even if they cause a little chaos sometimes.... Lovely to have you here Ruth. And how interesting that so many Buddhists have commented on this particular piece!
The failure shaped mara whispers to me all day long. Sometimes she gets me and stops me living. Sometimes I ask her what she needs. She mostly says she needs reassurance.
i really really love this series Satya, thank you. I’ve been working hard recently to slow down my expectations e.g it’s not a failure if i haven’t reached X goal by Y, we can’t expect fast fast fast growth at all times!!
Lovely to have you here as always. A colleague used the phrase 'peaks and troughs' with me decades ago, to describe how growth happens, and I love it - remembering that things go up and down as well as staying the same sometimes... that doesn't mean the overall trajectory isn't a good one. And maybe sometimes we should be aiming for degrowth??!!
Tell me: What kinds of failure do you worry about? If it feels comfortable, do share these worries in the comments as it’ll help other people to feel less alone. What helps you to manage these worries? Do share your experience & any tips you have. How might you be a little bit kinder to yourself this week?
As a child I was ‘the clever’ one & great expectations were laid on me. I flunked the A level subject that I was going to study at Uni & missed a top Uni place. A teacher said to me “ well you haven’t done very well, have you”, before I’d seen my results. That has haunted me for 40 years & still hurts. I have
a failed marriage, no ‘career’ to speak of & then got MS. There are lots of things I’m good at & can be proud of, but the failure to live up to my & others’ expectations doesn’t diminish.
It's tough to shake those things, especially when they 'bed in' early. If only that teacher had known what effect they'd have... glad to hear about the things you're good at and proud about too. Let's linger there for a little while 😊
This was healing and so helpful. I worry about how much I say, or contribute, or sign on for in my Sangha. I second guess my speech, as is it assertive enough, is it humble enough, is it right speech, kind, compassionate, and so on it goes. Sometimes I feel I am faking it until I make it ( whatever making it means) and have this restless, internal voice that pulls, pushes me around. Do I practice enough, meditate right, accept my own flaws and not be critical of others? Ah, I worry that to some that see a leader in me , others see a hoax? I am a good person but I have difficulty putting the worry stick down. Is that why I seek refuge in Buddha? Or seek refuge in a good nap!
Thanks Jay good to have you here - as I said earlier, lots of Buddhists here today - I'm curious about that... I'm glad to be a Pure Land Buddhist, which begins from the position of our foolishness and encourages us to trust Amitabha to lead us to enlightenment - when I get too critical of myself, it helps to remember the depth of my greed hate & delusion (and the buddhanature at the very bottom) - oh, no WONDER it's hard for me to do that. I think refuge in a nap is a very sensible thing!!
My brother and I grew up worrying. Our home life was dysfunctional on steroids. What helped was Al-Anon. It helped us understand what you can and cannot control, and gave us tools to help keep our sanity. When I found Buddhism I found even greater help. Do I still worry about my husband’s cancer, getting older, extra weight, climate change, senseless violence, will SSI go bankrupt . . . yes I do. But I remember suffering with worry changes nothing - so I breath deep and do what I can to mitigate things at my level. Is this a benefit of old age, good friends, the love of a special dog, a 12 step program, and good Buddhist teachers all of whom remind me there is a resource greater than my self? Yes. And - I am so very grateful to all of them. 🙏❤️
Hurray for all that. You have a lot on your plate, and so it's great to hear about these sources of support. And good to list them, because others might find support there too.
Hi Satya. Just sent you a DM on Instagram since they don’t have this feature here.
Hi I'm afraid I haven't been on Instagram for years... Do email me satya@satyarobyn.com!
🙏 Thanks. Will do
I worry about losing control; about those days (or longer periods) when so much is happening that it feels overwhelming. But also I worry, if over a long period I am not busy enough ( I feel I could/should be doing more ). I have just finished a 16 month period of working back full time in Children's Social Care. When I committed to this I worried that at 68 years old I may simply not cope like I used to do. But I did and I could see that my regular meditation and other Buddhist practices have accumulatively over the years helped my resilience. I found I was able to give a lot, but without worrying as much as I used to do about failure. Currently, as my contract has ended, I have fallen off the cliff and am worrying about how to use all the time available. My zen training teaches me to be with what is present as that is sufficient and that helps (most of the time!)
Hi Neil lovely to have you here & I appreciate your honest sharing. There's always something new to train with, isn't there? Great to hear how you could see how different you are when you returned - I think it's so helpful to look back years or even decades sometimes, just so we can see how far we've come!
I worry about failing in Buddhist practice curiously! Ie, oops I haven’t meditated, or oops my speech was judgemental and harsh, or oh dear I’m mistrustful of too much saintliness! I have changed over the years, though it feels like getting harder now to wear away those rougher edges . I’m defensively clinging into my ‘flaws’ so as to keep a sense of me perhaps...
!
So many Buddhists seem to beat themselves with this stick. I wonder if it's built into Western Buddhism somehow... makes sense that you'd be clinging onto your 'flaws' - I see my flaws as my parts' unique way of helping me stay steady - they'll keep doing it as long as it's necessary for my overall balance. It's easier for me to welcome them now, even if they cause a little chaos sometimes.... Lovely to have you here Ruth. And how interesting that so many Buddhists have commented on this particular piece!
The failure shaped mara whispers to me all day long. Sometimes she gets me and stops me living. Sometimes I ask her what she needs. She mostly says she needs reassurance.
Yes, what Ruth said. So many of our parts/so many of us are craving this.
Reassurance …. lovely !
I just looked at your stack. I started at Croydon Buddhist Centre and recognised Sucimani in the photo
i really really love this series Satya, thank you. I’ve been working hard recently to slow down my expectations e.g it’s not a failure if i haven’t reached X goal by Y, we can’t expect fast fast fast growth at all times!!
Lovely to have you here as always. A colleague used the phrase 'peaks and troughs' with me decades ago, to describe how growth happens, and I love it - remembering that things go up and down as well as staying the same sometimes... that doesn't mean the overall trajectory isn't a good one. And maybe sometimes we should be aiming for degrowth??!!
yes!!!!!!!!!!
Tell me: What kinds of failure do you worry about? If it feels comfortable, do share these worries in the comments as it’ll help other people to feel less alone. What helps you to manage these worries? Do share your experience & any tips you have. How might you be a little bit kinder to yourself this week?