Meet Eddie, My Inner Capitalist

On the rehabilitation of a rather unpopular part of me

Photo by Andre Taissin on Unsplash

It had been bugging me for weeks - a sneaking suspicion that all was not well in my Substack world. A turbulence of unknown origin. I knew that I wanted to tell my truth here, and play with words, and make offerings. Why did something feel icky?

This morning I asked for some guidance, and then pulled the Five of Swords from my Tarot pack. I’m new to the Tarot game, and rather than seeing the cards as predictive or magical, I see them as pointing towards aspects of myself that are in my shadow or that need attention. I did NOT appreciate pulling the Five of Swords. The booklet told me that I was either being a brute, colluding with a brute, or being the victim of a brute. I couldn’t recognise myself in any of those descriptions. Maybe the cards had just got it wrong?

The idea of being a brute stuck in my throat, and so I shared my dilemma with my beloved, Kaspa. I told them I was hugely enjoying writing on Substack - connecting with fresh new writers, finding lovely new readers - but that I had also been a teensy bit fixated on the stats since my arrival here three months ago. There was a buzzy, go-get-em, ever-so-slightly desperate energy that was interfering with my other motivations. What was wrong?

Kaspa unlocked the answer for me by asking if I had a part that was being a brute. Suddenly he was lit up by a flash of light and I could see him clearly - Eddie my Inner Capitalist. This part of me was frantically trying to work out how I could get more paid subscribers. Eddie sees the whole thing as a numbers game. He doesn’t care whether people feel they were getting value-for-money or not - that just isn’t relevant to him. There’s the cause of my turbulence right there!

A lot of my other parts think that Eddie is ICKY. They are embarrassed by him, and they’re none too pleased about me telling you about him at all. Why trust ruthless Eddie, out to get whatever he needs? Who would subscribe to Eddie’s Substack? More importantly, who would love him? I understand these ashamed parts. They are trying to protect me from being judged, and from rejection.

Having heard these parts, I can turn to Eddie and give him my full attention. He says that he is also trying to protect me. He says that he needs to get me stuff, because nobody else will look after me. He is very afraid of scarcity. He doesn’t trust that I am loved or appreciated by anyone, and so he has to step in and do his thing - otherwise I’d be alone and without resources. Otherwise I might die. No wonder he is extremely motivated to get what he needs which is always more, more, more.

I can see that, when Eddie isn’t running riot, he plays an important role at the table - helping me to see opportunities, speaking up for myself and for my value, and counteracting the many people-pleasing parts to bring more balance. I can appreciate him for his wisdom, and feel for him when he’s feeling desperate. I can also remind him that I have plenty of resources, whether I ever get another paid subscriber or not. More importantly, I can remind him that I am loved. And, even though he’s understandably not popular with some of my parts, I love and accept him too.

Having met Eddie, I feel very different in my body. I can tell that he isn’t in charge now - he’s not shouting any more either. He’s just one valuable voice around the table, alongside all the others. All Substack decisions will be made by Satya (the ‘me’ that is not a part, or ‘Self’ in IFS language).

One of the consequences of talking to Eddie is that I’m going to do things a little differently here. From next week I will be sharing my weekly reflections with everyone rather than just with paid subscribers. If weekly emails will be too much for you, do feel free to take this opportunity to unsubscribe - I won’t be upset. You can always come back when you have more space, or read my pieces online from time to time.

The Friday Loveliness emails will still be for paid subscribers only. Lovely paid subscribers - it isn’t just Eddie that appreciates you. The money is useful and affirming and it allows me do to more writing, yes. More importantly, though, it allows you to support me if you feel moved to, and it allows you to come into closer relationship with my writing and receive more from my words. You receive more, I receive more, we meet in glorious abundance.

There is so much beauty. Let’s share it with each other. And let me help you to see it - inside you, and everywhere in the world.

Go gently.
Satya <3

*

Questions to ponder: Do you have an inner capitalist or a part that plays a similar role? Do they interfere with decisions by taking charge sometimes? Are you willing to listen to them? If you are experiencing a different kind of inner turbulence, which parts of you might be involved? Do let me know how you get on (or if you have any questions) in the comments.