Love that Longfellow quote! And thank you for showing us what it looks like to extend compassion to even the most challenging of circumstances. I love reading about your vigil and the image of you wishing that it would NOT rain on him was both humorous and so tender. Even when all you wanted was to hurt him, you still managed a half hearted blessing. 🩷
Hehe yes it was definitely half-hearted - said with half the tone of someone who was being sarcastic - but I know that there was a mix of parts there and there was definitely a little bit of Self energy in there! (to use IFS language!) Thanks for being here Lindsey always good to see you.
Thank you, Satya. I really needed to read this at this point in time. I wrote a post yesterday about being angry with the homeowners at the house sit I’m doing. It’s good to be reminded to recognise their behaviour comes from suffering and sorrow. I will try to be kinder in my thoughts about them! 💙🙏
Oof! We too had a dog who was hyperreactive to other dogs—very likely puppy trauma from loose dogs where he was picked up as a six-month-old orphan. What a mindfulness teacher he was! So tender and sweet to us, so frightened of even catching a glimpse of another dog and so ready to go into high snarling gear! We walked every day in a town where there were many other dogs being walked on the same trails/sidewalks. Whenever I saw another dog I needed to speak to him VERY quietly, almost under my breath, a running monologue of reassurance, and lead him off the walkway to sit quietly some feet away. Once he learned that routine, whenever he saw a dog approaching us in the far distance, he stopped and looked up at me and begged to move off the walkway ASAP. He didn't enjoy being triggered either. Such a sweetheart! And SO much patience he made us learn! Here's the funny part. When we got him as a puppy, before we knew him at all, we tried on almost 100 names for him. The only one that stuck was Bodhi, for boddhisattva. Little did we know! :-D
Ah Priscilla quite moved by your words - not many people get how it is to have a reactive dog. It sounds like you were supremely patient with Bodhi - something I don't always manage, but I have certainly learnt a LOT from being Ralph's guardian - and I continue to! Lovely to have 'met' you recently and to have you here - welcome!
Thank you, Satya. I left out one important part of the story: I didn’t try patience first. I tried getting reactive like he was—the commands, the shouting. Even when I knew better! Years after learning those don’t work! But Bodhi was the nail in the coffin of those methods. Such a no-nonsense teacher. And I feel for you—I know how much vigilance it takes, how exhausting it is. Blessings to you & Ralph! And it’s nice to be here, thanks.
Satya How sad to be visited by the rain man who felt the need to ambush your gentle group with hostility. You as earth’s advocate hurt from it. Mother Earth recognizes it for what it is - but she knows you’re there - urges you on because you are there for her and all of us who join you
I love Ralph. I'm trying to be less like him when I get mad about something silly, and one thing that has helped a ton (if it's caused by someone else) is the knowledge that there are a lot of reasons people do things, and I only see the tip, not the iceberg of the person. "Benefit of the doubt" comes to mind frequently for me these days. I still do the same things you and Ralph do, but perhaps a much smaller percentage of the time as just a few years ago.
Aw, I love that you love Ralph. I love the iceberg analogy. IFS teaches that there is ALWAYS good reason (with sound internal logic, if not external logic) for people's behaviour - that helps me a lot - but sometimes it's still a challenge!!
Not only this, but I don't even have to agree with the reason, as long as it makes sense to them. I can say, "okay, you're operating on what you believe to be true in the world; I can respect that even though I don't think you have the world right."
"(people often misinterpret our protest as guilting individuals into giving up the things they love like holidays abroad or their cars, rather than the most important aim of changing our governments, oil companies and broader systems)"
A feature, not a bug. Our government, oil companies, and media spin it that way. It's easier to get people upset about a short-term threat to their "freedom" than about a longer-term disaster like climate change. Upset sells.
Meant to add, and we can't help it. It's our lizard brain kicking in. This is why angry man deserves our compassion. The government, corporations, and media are playing the tune and he's just doing the dance.
I have an anxious dog, too. Sometimes, I think she gets it from me. Just yesterday, she was in the back yard barking for a bit as I was readying to get my daughter off the pre-k bus, and I heard a neighbour shout at her to stop. In that moment, I had trouble having compassion for either one of them, as I was just trying to get my daughter from the bus without the dog's barking waking up my toddler. But we were all just doing our best, and thankfully it didn't take me long to get back to that.
It can be so stressful... I hear you. And we definitely notice Ralph getting more up tight when we're feeling uptight ourselves. But one of my pet hates is when people say to me 'if you just relax then he'll relax' - if it was that easy I'd have done it already!!!!!!! Glad your dog has you to look after them x
Thank you for reminding me about this. I have often thought that anger is more often than not born of fear. But when something fearful tips into an angry outburst from myself - usually because I don't feel heard or understood - you're right that I need to observe and consider why. Instead, the anger (both mine or someone else's) is so disturbing and unfamiliar I prefer to try and brush it away in an effort to regain my equilibrium. Sometimes all we need is reassurance that we have been listened to, even if ultimately that other person might disagree. But, oh my goodness, it is hard to get to that point!
It is! I still find it hard to stay with empathy for the other person FIRST - especially when I'm getting triggered. Still, it's good to be clear about what happens when it doesn't go so well... we're works in progress eh! (welcome Sarah!)
Thank you, Satya, I needed this. The world needs this. I hope sharing it helped you with something you need. As a trauma therapist who has specialized in DID and a Buddhist, i think we speak the same language.
Thanks Shielagh - yes, writing always helps with the processing - I'm grateful to this space on Substack. And sounds like we do! Welcome & good to 'meet' you 🙏🏻
This is an excellent analogy. That anger comes from fear. That man is afraid of the future. Of change. It doesn't excuse his behavior at all, but can help us react with pity rather than our own anger, which is what he both wants and expects.
Thanks Thomas. Yes, finding a way between the anger and pushing him away towards curiosity & compassion - that's the challenge! (and, as we've talked about here before, knowing which battles to choose and which to pass on...)
This arrived in my in box just at the right time. I am travelling to Edinburgh today for my mum’s funeral tomorrow . Feeling so cross and upset that no one from work has even acknowledged my loss or offered any words of condolence. If any of them had suffered that loss I would have contacted them immediately and offered love and support. Maybe they cannot handle emotions, struggle to be open…? In any event I will focus on my own ambivalent and conflicted emotions and find love and compassion for them.
So sorry to hear about the lack of acknowledgement from your workmates of where you are right now David - that sucks. I'm sure they'll have their reasons, and, sending warmth to the parts of you that are rightly feeling cross and upset about it. I hope it goes as well as it can tomorrow 🙏🏻
Firstly, did not know you were from malvern!!! I grew up there and it’s always lovely to see a pic I recognise. You hit the nail on the head with this one, I have rarely ever seen unnecessary anger like this not come from a place of fear. It’s so interesting how climate change has so many emotions tied up in it yet we’re excepted to view it as a simple scientific issue.
Your self reflection is commendable. Your philosophical thoughtfulness matches it perfectly. You are trying to become better at dealing with these situations by having a wider and deeper understanding of interactions with other people and non humans. When the man says ‘I hope it rains on you’ while you are sitting basking in the sun, perhaps he is picking up something about your own physical message of being at ease in the global warming and enjoying that amazing Indian summer that is so hard to feel bad about? What if you had joined in with him, saying ‘thanks for your good wishes for the earth. Indeed, may it continue to rain on all of us”? The fact that he mentioned something about the climate was a step towards you, wasn’t it? Perhaps it is you who is rather more like Ralph than him? You too are too easily defensive, like Ralph, because you are highly sensitive to potential threats. It’s all about where we place the boundary of understanding and welcoming versus defending and warding off. Ralph is still unsure about how much he can tolerate and so are you. I have a similar problem with my Vizsla, who can play wonderfully with his friends, of all sizes, but sometimes suddenly gets triggered by a small fluffy dog approaching him in the wrong way and will growl and dominate in ways that seem dangerous. Actually when he has had a chance to work it out with the other dog, because we weren’t there quickly enough to intervene, it has simply turned out to be a flash in the pan. All he was doing was establishing dominance and setting the other dog straight. We often get too anxious about naturally flowing emotions and want to keep everything under complete control. Perhaps we have to learn to be a little easier and less anxious about each other’s expressions of passion ?
Hi Emmy - thanks for your comment. I also felt defensive when you used the phrase 'too easily defensive' about me. I am certainly FAR from perfect - that is one of the points of all my writing here - and I'm pretty sure I didn't misinterpret the tone of the man's initial comments - he was angry and pushing us all away. It was my failure later that I didn't find any common ground between us before letting my anger bubble up and push HIM away (and that's okay, I'm human). I appreciate your desire to offer me something helpful.
I don't think there was any failure involved in this situation, either by you or by the man. I am not standing in judgement of you. I see the way in which you share your process of development so publicly as very admirable thing. But I recognized the situation from my own experience. I too am highly sensitive and yet take the risk of expressing myself. I too regularly encounter people who challenge and misunderstand me and sometimes I feel hurt by such clashes and misunderstandings. But I know they are often moments when some new light comes into my world. What you described was a clash of two worldviews and when we express our own worldview strongly as both you and he were doing, there is bound to be some tension and disagreement. The question you are raising is how we respond and that interests me greatly. It is not about becoming perfect, for there is no such thing as human perfection. It is a story about defensiveness. You illustrate this with the story of the sensitivity and reactivity of your dog, who you know is actually vulnerable and quite frightened and defensive rather than aggressive. This too resonates with me, as I too have a vulnerable and sensitive dog who can be a little reactive, expressing an anxiety and sensitivity similar to my own. It seemed to me, as in my own situation, your dog is a lot more like you than like the man and I thought it might be helpful for you to reflect on that, as in your writing you appeared to compare the dog to the man rather than to yourself. Perhaps I was wrong and misunderstood your intentions. Perhaps I came across too harshly. Perhaps you hear my words in ways they were not intended. I think it is all part of your learning process and undoubtedly your reactions to the man will be part of this man's learning process too. Our interaction here is now also part of your learning process and also of my own. Thank you for evoking all that and bringing the interaction about. We are all constantly learning. Every day I think about how I come across and impact on others. I can see you hold to that same practice. It is by no means an easy or smooth process. Like our dogs we need to learn to not react so strongly, but take time to reflect and trust that some times the challenging interactions are the most important ones.
Not me. I said 'highly sensitive', which to me is a compliment and also a statement of fact. Satya is not only highly sensitive in all her descriptions, but she is also trying to match this sensitivity with strength and courage and openness. That is, as I said, highly commendable. It is also extremely rare. That is why I sometimes respond to her, when I feel I can help her thinking about things from a slightly different and perhaps more challenging angle. I believe this to be helpful to her. If Satya finds it unhelpful I shall desist.
A heartfelt and heartwarming read Satya. Stranger anger is so much of the person who is expressing the anger . I too have a curiosity as to how it feels being in that moment. And then like your understanding of your dog it reflected feelings of fear. 🙏
Love that Longfellow quote! And thank you for showing us what it looks like to extend compassion to even the most challenging of circumstances. I love reading about your vigil and the image of you wishing that it would NOT rain on him was both humorous and so tender. Even when all you wanted was to hurt him, you still managed a half hearted blessing. 🩷
Hehe yes it was definitely half-hearted - said with half the tone of someone who was being sarcastic - but I know that there was a mix of parts there and there was definitely a little bit of Self energy in there! (to use IFS language!) Thanks for being here Lindsey always good to see you.
Thank you, Satya. I really needed to read this at this point in time. I wrote a post yesterday about being angry with the homeowners at the house sit I’m doing. It’s good to be reminded to recognise their behaviour comes from suffering and sorrow. I will try to be kinder in my thoughts about them! 💙🙏
Ack - it's tough though isn't it? Hopefully not too much longer for you!
Really tough! 13 days left 🥳🥳🥳
Oof! We too had a dog who was hyperreactive to other dogs—very likely puppy trauma from loose dogs where he was picked up as a six-month-old orphan. What a mindfulness teacher he was! So tender and sweet to us, so frightened of even catching a glimpse of another dog and so ready to go into high snarling gear! We walked every day in a town where there were many other dogs being walked on the same trails/sidewalks. Whenever I saw another dog I needed to speak to him VERY quietly, almost under my breath, a running monologue of reassurance, and lead him off the walkway to sit quietly some feet away. Once he learned that routine, whenever he saw a dog approaching us in the far distance, he stopped and looked up at me and begged to move off the walkway ASAP. He didn't enjoy being triggered either. Such a sweetheart! And SO much patience he made us learn! Here's the funny part. When we got him as a puppy, before we knew him at all, we tried on almost 100 names for him. The only one that stuck was Bodhi, for boddhisattva. Little did we know! :-D
Ah Priscilla quite moved by your words - not many people get how it is to have a reactive dog. It sounds like you were supremely patient with Bodhi - something I don't always manage, but I have certainly learnt a LOT from being Ralph's guardian - and I continue to! Lovely to have 'met' you recently and to have you here - welcome!
Thank you, Satya. I left out one important part of the story: I didn’t try patience first. I tried getting reactive like he was—the commands, the shouting. Even when I knew better! Years after learning those don’t work! But Bodhi was the nail in the coffin of those methods. Such a no-nonsense teacher. And I feel for you—I know how much vigilance it takes, how exhausting it is. Blessings to you & Ralph! And it’s nice to be here, thanks.
Satya How sad to be visited by the rain man who felt the need to ambush your gentle group with hostility. You as earth’s advocate hurt from it. Mother Earth recognizes it for what it is - but she knows you’re there - urges you on because you are there for her and all of us who join you
. . . . . and even those who don’t .
🙏🪷
Thank you Kim x
I love Ralph. I'm trying to be less like him when I get mad about something silly, and one thing that has helped a ton (if it's caused by someone else) is the knowledge that there are a lot of reasons people do things, and I only see the tip, not the iceberg of the person. "Benefit of the doubt" comes to mind frequently for me these days. I still do the same things you and Ralph do, but perhaps a much smaller percentage of the time as just a few years ago.
Aw, I love that you love Ralph. I love the iceberg analogy. IFS teaches that there is ALWAYS good reason (with sound internal logic, if not external logic) for people's behaviour - that helps me a lot - but sometimes it's still a challenge!!
Not only this, but I don't even have to agree with the reason, as long as it makes sense to them. I can say, "okay, you're operating on what you believe to be true in the world; I can respect that even though I don't think you have the world right."
"(people often misinterpret our protest as guilting individuals into giving up the things they love like holidays abroad or their cars, rather than the most important aim of changing our governments, oil companies and broader systems)"
A feature, not a bug. Our government, oil companies, and media spin it that way. It's easier to get people upset about a short-term threat to their "freedom" than about a longer-term disaster like climate change. Upset sells.
Meant to add, and we can't help it. It's our lizard brain kicking in. This is why angry man deserves our compassion. The government, corporations, and media are playing the tune and he's just doing the dance.
Thank you, Satya. Yes, I try to do this. No, I don't always succeed! I'll keep trying.
Always makes me happy to see you here 😊
I have an anxious dog, too. Sometimes, I think she gets it from me. Just yesterday, she was in the back yard barking for a bit as I was readying to get my daughter off the pre-k bus, and I heard a neighbour shout at her to stop. In that moment, I had trouble having compassion for either one of them, as I was just trying to get my daughter from the bus without the dog's barking waking up my toddler. But we were all just doing our best, and thankfully it didn't take me long to get back to that.
It can be so stressful... I hear you. And we definitely notice Ralph getting more up tight when we're feeling uptight ourselves. But one of my pet hates is when people say to me 'if you just relax then he'll relax' - if it was that easy I'd have done it already!!!!!!! Glad your dog has you to look after them x
Thank you for reminding me about this. I have often thought that anger is more often than not born of fear. But when something fearful tips into an angry outburst from myself - usually because I don't feel heard or understood - you're right that I need to observe and consider why. Instead, the anger (both mine or someone else's) is so disturbing and unfamiliar I prefer to try and brush it away in an effort to regain my equilibrium. Sometimes all we need is reassurance that we have been listened to, even if ultimately that other person might disagree. But, oh my goodness, it is hard to get to that point!
It is! I still find it hard to stay with empathy for the other person FIRST - especially when I'm getting triggered. Still, it's good to be clear about what happens when it doesn't go so well... we're works in progress eh! (welcome Sarah!)
Thank you, Satya, I needed this. The world needs this. I hope sharing it helped you with something you need. As a trauma therapist who has specialized in DID and a Buddhist, i think we speak the same language.
Thanks Shielagh - yes, writing always helps with the processing - I'm grateful to this space on Substack. And sounds like we do! Welcome & good to 'meet' you 🙏🏻
This is an excellent analogy. That anger comes from fear. That man is afraid of the future. Of change. It doesn't excuse his behavior at all, but can help us react with pity rather than our own anger, which is what he both wants and expects.
Thanks Thomas. Yes, finding a way between the anger and pushing him away towards curiosity & compassion - that's the challenge! (and, as we've talked about here before, knowing which battles to choose and which to pass on...)
This arrived in my in box just at the right time. I am travelling to Edinburgh today for my mum’s funeral tomorrow . Feeling so cross and upset that no one from work has even acknowledged my loss or offered any words of condolence. If any of them had suffered that loss I would have contacted them immediately and offered love and support. Maybe they cannot handle emotions, struggle to be open…? In any event I will focus on my own ambivalent and conflicted emotions and find love and compassion for them.
So sorry to hear about the lack of acknowledgement from your workmates of where you are right now David - that sucks. I'm sure they'll have their reasons, and, sending warmth to the parts of you that are rightly feeling cross and upset about it. I hope it goes as well as it can tomorrow 🙏🏻
Firstly, did not know you were from malvern!!! I grew up there and it’s always lovely to see a pic I recognise. You hit the nail on the head with this one, I have rarely ever seen unnecessary anger like this not come from a place of fear. It’s so interesting how climate change has so many emotions tied up in it yet we’re excepted to view it as a simple scientific issue.
Yay Malvern! I agree, climate change brings up a LOT of strong emotion, as it 'should'... Lovely to have you here Isabelle & thanks for commenting.
I really loved this 🥰
😘
Your self reflection is commendable. Your philosophical thoughtfulness matches it perfectly. You are trying to become better at dealing with these situations by having a wider and deeper understanding of interactions with other people and non humans. When the man says ‘I hope it rains on you’ while you are sitting basking in the sun, perhaps he is picking up something about your own physical message of being at ease in the global warming and enjoying that amazing Indian summer that is so hard to feel bad about? What if you had joined in with him, saying ‘thanks for your good wishes for the earth. Indeed, may it continue to rain on all of us”? The fact that he mentioned something about the climate was a step towards you, wasn’t it? Perhaps it is you who is rather more like Ralph than him? You too are too easily defensive, like Ralph, because you are highly sensitive to potential threats. It’s all about where we place the boundary of understanding and welcoming versus defending and warding off. Ralph is still unsure about how much he can tolerate and so are you. I have a similar problem with my Vizsla, who can play wonderfully with his friends, of all sizes, but sometimes suddenly gets triggered by a small fluffy dog approaching him in the wrong way and will growl and dominate in ways that seem dangerous. Actually when he has had a chance to work it out with the other dog, because we weren’t there quickly enough to intervene, it has simply turned out to be a flash in the pan. All he was doing was establishing dominance and setting the other dog straight. We often get too anxious about naturally flowing emotions and want to keep everything under complete control. Perhaps we have to learn to be a little easier and less anxious about each other’s expressions of passion ?
(also curious about the parallel process here...)
Hi Emmy - thanks for your comment. I also felt defensive when you used the phrase 'too easily defensive' about me. I am certainly FAR from perfect - that is one of the points of all my writing here - and I'm pretty sure I didn't misinterpret the tone of the man's initial comments - he was angry and pushing us all away. It was my failure later that I didn't find any common ground between us before letting my anger bubble up and push HIM away (and that's okay, I'm human). I appreciate your desire to offer me something helpful.
I don't think there was any failure involved in this situation, either by you or by the man. I am not standing in judgement of you. I see the way in which you share your process of development so publicly as very admirable thing. But I recognized the situation from my own experience. I too am highly sensitive and yet take the risk of expressing myself. I too regularly encounter people who challenge and misunderstand me and sometimes I feel hurt by such clashes and misunderstandings. But I know they are often moments when some new light comes into my world. What you described was a clash of two worldviews and when we express our own worldview strongly as both you and he were doing, there is bound to be some tension and disagreement. The question you are raising is how we respond and that interests me greatly. It is not about becoming perfect, for there is no such thing as human perfection. It is a story about defensiveness. You illustrate this with the story of the sensitivity and reactivity of your dog, who you know is actually vulnerable and quite frightened and defensive rather than aggressive. This too resonates with me, as I too have a vulnerable and sensitive dog who can be a little reactive, expressing an anxiety and sensitivity similar to my own. It seemed to me, as in my own situation, your dog is a lot more like you than like the man and I thought it might be helpful for you to reflect on that, as in your writing you appeared to compare the dog to the man rather than to yourself. Perhaps I was wrong and misunderstood your intentions. Perhaps I came across too harshly. Perhaps you hear my words in ways they were not intended. I think it is all part of your learning process and undoubtedly your reactions to the man will be part of this man's learning process too. Our interaction here is now also part of your learning process and also of my own. Thank you for evoking all that and bringing the interaction about. We are all constantly learning. Every day I think about how I come across and impact on others. I can see you hold to that same practice. It is by no means an easy or smooth process. Like our dogs we need to learn to not react so strongly, but take time to reflect and trust that some times the challenging interactions are the most important ones.
Too sensitive? I’m defensive in hearing your words. They are so strong. We are all different
'Too sensitive?' Who made that judgement?
Not me. I said 'highly sensitive', which to me is a compliment and also a statement of fact. Satya is not only highly sensitive in all her descriptions, but she is also trying to match this sensitivity with strength and courage and openness. That is, as I said, highly commendable. It is also extremely rare. That is why I sometimes respond to her, when I feel I can help her thinking about things from a slightly different and perhaps more challenging angle. I believe this to be helpful to her. If Satya finds it unhelpful I shall desist.
A heartfelt and heartwarming read Satya. Stranger anger is so much of the person who is expressing the anger . I too have a curiosity as to how it feels being in that moment. And then like your understanding of your dog it reflected feelings of fear. 🙏
Thanks Marie. Sending love x