A lot of times while I'm writing and making strong point I feel like apologising for ranting, and I usually do. I guess there's also something misogynistic there. We don't usually like opinionated and grumpy women. So we tend to hide this traits as best as we can.
Thanks for bringing up this important point Luiza. Agree - this is SO gendered... as women we (mostly - can't speak for all women!) have to work much harder at owning these parts of ourselves without needing to hide them/apologise for them. It's tough! But hopefully important to have these conversations, and I hope you keep writing opinionated pieces :)
As I get older I am looking for the line I can straddle between not indulging my people pleasing parts yet doing things for others that I want to do (which I know will please them). Does that makes sense?
Makes PERFECT sense. I'm not sure how it is for you Priya but I find that the more I honour my actual limitations, the more 'natural' giving I'm able to do - just because I have something I think might make someone happy, but without any expectations in return... In IFS terms, giving from Self rather than from a people pleasing part, and so with no agenda and no (or little) 'cost' to me. Thanks for sharing!
Another great one, Satya. And that you managed to spin this out whilst on holiday ... all the more impressive! (And I say this not to stroke your people-pleasing parts; I say it because it's true.) I had a grumpy day last week, and I kept it to myself. Maybe next time, emboldened/encouraged by your post, I won't keep it to myself!
Humiliation stops me from being me. Sometime in my past, I have been so embarrassed that it seems that on occasion, it's impossible to act authentically. Despite 15 years in recovery from addiction, 9 years of CBT and numerous episodes of Dr Phil, I am afraid that the humiliation of my childhood still scares me into people pleasing ordinariness. (I am usually authentic. I am just saying...you know?)
Yeah, I think shame is one of the biggest shapers of our behaviour - sometimes we spot it (as you have here) & sometimes it goes further underground... That's how it is for me anyway. My people pleasers will never wear off completely but I think they ARE better...
A lot of times while I'm writing and making strong point I feel like apologising for ranting, and I usually do. I guess there's also something misogynistic there. We don't usually like opinionated and grumpy women. So we tend to hide this traits as best as we can.
Thanks for bringing up this important point Luiza. Agree - this is SO gendered... as women we (mostly - can't speak for all women!) have to work much harder at owning these parts of ourselves without needing to hide them/apologise for them. It's tough! But hopefully important to have these conversations, and I hope you keep writing opinionated pieces :)
(even the word opinionated has a judgement in it.... STRONG pieces!)
As I get older I am looking for the line I can straddle between not indulging my people pleasing parts yet doing things for others that I want to do (which I know will please them). Does that makes sense?
Makes PERFECT sense. I'm not sure how it is for you Priya but I find that the more I honour my actual limitations, the more 'natural' giving I'm able to do - just because I have something I think might make someone happy, but without any expectations in return... In IFS terms, giving from Self rather than from a people pleasing part, and so with no agenda and no (or little) 'cost' to me. Thanks for sharing!
Another great one, Satya. And that you managed to spin this out whilst on holiday ... all the more impressive! (And I say this not to stroke your people-pleasing parts; I say it because it's true.) I had a grumpy day last week, and I kept it to myself. Maybe next time, emboldened/encouraged by your post, I won't keep it to myself!
In the service of full disclosure, I did write most of this before I came away 😉 (thank you)
This is a winningly authentic post. Thank you, Satya.
🙏🏻 (not sure I can take much credit as confession/radical honesty is one of the things I like to do! feels (mostly) good!)
Humiliation stops me from being me. Sometime in my past, I have been so embarrassed that it seems that on occasion, it's impossible to act authentically. Despite 15 years in recovery from addiction, 9 years of CBT and numerous episodes of Dr Phil, I am afraid that the humiliation of my childhood still scares me into people pleasing ordinariness. (I am usually authentic. I am just saying...you know?)
Yeah, I think shame is one of the biggest shapers of our behaviour - sometimes we spot it (as you have here) & sometimes it goes further underground... That's how it is for me anyway. My people pleasers will never wear off completely but I think they ARE better...