The Fantasy I Just Can't Shake...
...and what it needs me to know
This is where I live. Bright Earth Buddhist temple. It has a big garden with clumps of bamboo, winding paths, peonies and ponds. Inside there are four floors of comfy sofas, art, a library and the most beautiful shrine room. I share it with my beloved, three dogs and seven amazing people. It is perched on the Malvern hills and looks out over the Severn valley. Pretty lucky, eh?
So why do I keep dreaming about moving out?
Here’s the persistent fantasy: a small cottage or bungalow, not far from here, just big enough for me, Kaspa and the two dogs. A little garden with a veg patch. Quiet. Cosy. Not here. Now now, either - in ten years time, or maybe eight, or twelve.
Why is this fantasy a problem? Because I might waste all this time dreaming of the fantasy cottage, move in, and miss my community and the temple like mad. Because who knows what will happen in ten years, and it may never be possible or I might just stop wanting it. Because it stops me from being entirely here.
As I get older, I am getting a teensy bit better at being curious about the things that distress me rather than just trying to push them away. Why does the little-house dream keep returning to me? What message does it have for me?
It is an antidote. It is a counterbalance to the things that are sometimes difficult, here and now. Being responsible for the house and garden, the finances, finding new residents, marketing, the middle-of-the-night leaks, the little conflicts, the sewage drain that keeps blocking. In my fantasy cottage I will live a quiet life, away from all the complications. I will write as much as I want. I will have free time. I won’t have to consider the others.
I know that this fantasy is unrealistic. The first thing the Buddha taught is that life is always complicated. I do want to take it seriously, though. My fantasy is pointing me towards what’s important. If writing is important, then I should carve out time to do more of that now. If I want more free time, then I should work towards making that happen now. If I find the responsibility a burden sometimes, I should share it, delegate more, get more support, take breaks. There is no point in taking refuge in the future. There is just now. How can I make myself at home right here? How can I translate my fantasy into the reality of my present life?
And the most important thing of all? Looking around me. Taking time to watch the wren hiding in the catkin tree, and to chat with David on my way to the kitchen. Sitting in the dining room and looking out at Bredon Hill, skirted with mist. Being nourished by our full shrine room and our shared work mornings and our beautiful growing community. Being here and loving it all.
Go gently <3
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What recurrent fantasies do you have? What might they be telling you about the adjustments you might need to make to your life right now? How might they help you find more balance? What needs healing? How might they lead you forwards in a way that doesn’t blind you to what you have right now?
Satya, this is so close to my experience; until just a few weeks ago, I had this constant and overarcing fantasy about living in an old style caravan, like the one my Nan lived in for many years, even on the same park in Essex. Something must have triggered an awakening because I realised that this fantasy was stealing all the joy I should be experiencing in this, my probable forever home, especially as it's unlikely I will ever live in the UK again. It sounds a bit daft, but I celebrated letting go of this future/past by treating myself to two quite expensive hand embroidered cushion covers to brighten up my hall here. First steps to investing big love in my here and now.
This definitely resonates with me and my 99 hour a week schedule, I just can't seem to shift. I am open to learning how, if I don't, it's not looking good for me. The life of a carer is often fraught with the lack of control that systems (or lack thereof) pose on us and this can lead to us feeling we have no other recourse but to fail. I am working on stepping back and looking at where our needs fit into this picture and how to find alternative ways, sometimes completely bypassing the system all together.