"‘Oh, I seem to be screaming at my partner - the angry one is definitely driving. Let’s see if walking round the block will help Self to get back into the driving seat’."
Well, "noticing," naming and validating is important, and the first step, but what follows still isn't quite "it." The goal isn't to "talk a walk" as it's framed here, which (in its lack of explicit language to the contrary) still seems to suggest a sort of "make it go away" or "ease it" or "quiet it" or "distract it" or "settle it down," whatever.
The goal of IFS is almost the opposite: regard your anger. Show it curiosity, compassion, patience, interest, value. Honor it by asking "what's hurting you, or what are you protecting from being hurt?" rather than "shhh shh now, quiet." That only hurts you (and this part, which is ALSO you!) in the long run.
Really enjoyed this piece, however, and thank you for sharing your personal touches.
Satya- I can say without hesitation that finding a therapist trained in IFS work changed my life. It’s the best thing that could have happened to me. I had never even heard of it before I started seeing her and it revolutionized my healing journey. Thank you for highlighting this wonderful way of relating to ourselves. ❤️
Beautiful. IFS has been an integral part of my journey and continues to be. I love how it meshes with spirituality. I actually wrote a poem yesterday on my part that runs from rejection. I don't explicity say that I refer to IFS but it's woven into my poetry a lot. Thank you for spreading this work 🙏 and that puppy ❤️❤️ why do they always seem like one giant love part?😀😀
Lovely and lots of great resources thanks. I keep adding myself to waiting lists to do the training but can’t seem to get into any courses at the moment they all seems full. But I lean into patience and will get a spot one of these years I’m sure .
Ack yes it's so hard to get on them - I hope you keep trying, the training was so amazing for me. Keeping everything crossed 🤞🏻 and I'm glad you think my pieces might be helpful. Enjoy!
Parts and Puppies! Could there be a better combination? IFS has changed my life, and though I (or anyone) will never be “there” (whatever that means), what a joy-filled ride when we can stop seeing ourselves as fully insert-negative-trait-here and help those parts of ourselves. I enjoy the way Frank Anderson looks at IFS, especially when he’s speaking about it. IFS is what drew me to you. I so appreciate all you do to share this with others. Thank you!
I agree : ) so glad you had a similar experience to me and yes, I totally get that too - there are always more parts in extreme positions, more exiles.... I like Anderson too. Must get his autobiography! So good to have you here Deb - some pieces on IFS coming up on GG soon!
I think his book should be waiting for me when I get back home to Whidbey Island from “home” for a class reunion in northern Minnesota—such a great opportunity to keep IFS in mind! 😊 I’m looking forward to more IFS pieces from you!
I am tip toeing my way into the work of IFS and I found this essay extremely helpful. Thank you, Satya.
Just being able to name my manager - see her for who is she and why she feels she needs to protect me and all those around me I love, well, there’s self-compassion there that I didn’t expect to find.
I love the image of you tip-toeing into the magic of IFS : ) and I'm really glad, thanks for the feedback. I often write through the 'IFS' lens - it's been SO helpful. And hurray for your manager. Our managers do SUCH a good job in often difficult circumstances. Good to meet you!
Good question. I would see health issues as sometimes involving parts and sometimes not (ie a purely biological/physical phenomena) - we can find out how much is because of parts and how much isn't in the same way as all other parts work - by getting into Self and getting to know the parts - you could start by tuning into the physical symptoms and asking if any parts are involved or if any parts have any information about the illness. You can ask inside what percentage of the illness is 'caused by' parts too and see what happens. All this would be better to do with a trained IFS therapist if possible.
Thanks for this. I enjoyed the refresher. IFS was a game-changer for me while in a residential program earlier this year. I just published a piece reflecting on the year anniversary beginning that journey. https://goodforsomething.substack.com/p/the-way-back
Thanks for sharing Andrew and so glad you're a fan of IFS. I just read your post - powerful - thank you for sharing your story. I'm subscribed! Go gently x
I have read this article many times since you first posted it here last February. Your presentation of the key points in IFS therapy continue to help me find a way to navigate internal seascapes which grow very stormy at times! Mostly my difficult areas are based around shame and guilt even though I now realise that such emotions were the only way my childish mind could make sense about what was happening. And still these emotions hold far too much control over my life. It is reassuring to know that IFS therapy works well in conjunction with Mindful Self-Compassion. It means that it is possible to work on ourselves and maybe alter our perceptions of the present moment just enough to potentially make the future a slightly more loving and compassionate place to be.
Ah, so glad to hear this - I've linked to it a thousand times and was hoping it wasn't too annoying, so glad it has been something you've been able to re-read. There's a lot of theory in there! I think guilt and shame is the big one for most of us - shame is so yucky to feel. And yes, even if we can make our future (and other people's) a teensy bit more loving - bringing just a little bit more Self-energy in - then that's a good thing. Thanks Edith.
This IFS system makes total sense! Does this throw "dissociative disorder" out the window? My son was diagnosed with DD and yet, after reading about all the "parts"...I wonder, where does one end and the other begin? Hmmm....
Hi Mary - yes, it does doesn't it?! And according to IFS, DID is when parts become EXTRA extreme and almost totally cut off from each other - so we all have parts, but folk with DID have parts that work by being estranged/becoming very extreme in an attempt at holding the whole system together. Does that make sense from what you know of your son's experience? So it's a sliding scale, but it's not true (as some folk are worried) that we all have DID. All mental distress can be made sense of through the IFS lens - and there are lots of sliding scales there too - depression, anxiety etc etc. (good to have you here Mary!)
Thanks so much for your response Satya! And yes, it does make sense. I try to stay out of my son's mental health lane (!!), but IFS is good information for me to work with. Kinda feels like we're all in the sliding scale of our lives ;-)).
Thank you for the resources and this clear overview of IFS I have heard friends talk about it but this is helpful for understanding it. It makes a lot of sense to me and seems a really compassionate approach which always ticks the box for me.
So glad you found it useful Jen. Yes I think the word of mouth is growing. And absolutely - if there was one word I would use to summarise the model it would be 'compassion'. Good to meet you 😊
"‘Oh, I seem to be screaming at my partner - the angry one is definitely driving. Let’s see if walking round the block will help Self to get back into the driving seat’."
Well, "noticing," naming and validating is important, and the first step, but what follows still isn't quite "it." The goal isn't to "talk a walk" as it's framed here, which (in its lack of explicit language to the contrary) still seems to suggest a sort of "make it go away" or "ease it" or "quiet it" or "distract it" or "settle it down," whatever.
The goal of IFS is almost the opposite: regard your anger. Show it curiosity, compassion, patience, interest, value. Honor it by asking "what's hurting you, or what are you protecting from being hurt?" rather than "shhh shh now, quiet." That only hurts you (and this part, which is ALSO you!) in the long run.
Really enjoyed this piece, however, and thank you for sharing your personal touches.
Your IFS technician parts are on point ; )
haha, other parts may see the tongue-in-cheek quality, but I will take this as a compliment (or rather, the technician parts do)
They know their stuff : )
Woah, the imagry. I love when images capture the experience. Beautiful.
Thank you Nicole!
Of course! The art is healing.
Love this. IFS also changed my life 🤍
Happy to hear this Jessica ☺️
Satya- I can say without hesitation that finding a therapist trained in IFS work changed my life. It’s the best thing that could have happened to me. I had never even heard of it before I started seeing her and it revolutionized my healing journey. Thank you for highlighting this wonderful way of relating to ourselves. ❤️
It makes me very happy to hear this Beth. Hurray for IFS!! Thank you for being here.
Beautiful. IFS has been an integral part of my journey and continues to be. I love how it meshes with spirituality. I actually wrote a poem yesterday on my part that runs from rejection. I don't explicity say that I refer to IFS but it's woven into my poetry a lot. Thank you for spreading this work 🙏 and that puppy ❤️❤️ why do they always seem like one giant love part?😀😀
So happy to hear Chaya. Yes, it fits so beautifully with spirituality. And yes, puppies : ) Thank you for reading & being here.
A parts poem… https://open.substack.com/pub/joshliveright/p/parts?r=5hemq&utm_medium=ios
Lots of parts!!
Thank you, Satya, for this introduction to Internal Family Systems! The puppies helped!! :)
Lovely and lots of great resources thanks. I keep adding myself to waiting lists to do the training but can’t seem to get into any courses at the moment they all seems full. But I lean into patience and will get a spot one of these years I’m sure .
Ack yes it's so hard to get on them - I hope you keep trying, the training was so amazing for me. Keeping everything crossed 🤞🏻 and I'm glad you think my pieces might be helpful. Enjoy!
Parts and Puppies! Could there be a better combination? IFS has changed my life, and though I (or anyone) will never be “there” (whatever that means), what a joy-filled ride when we can stop seeing ourselves as fully insert-negative-trait-here and help those parts of ourselves. I enjoy the way Frank Anderson looks at IFS, especially when he’s speaking about it. IFS is what drew me to you. I so appreciate all you do to share this with others. Thank you!
I agree : ) so glad you had a similar experience to me and yes, I totally get that too - there are always more parts in extreme positions, more exiles.... I like Anderson too. Must get his autobiography! So good to have you here Deb - some pieces on IFS coming up on GG soon!
I think his book should be waiting for me when I get back home to Whidbey Island from “home” for a class reunion in northern Minnesota—such a great opportunity to keep IFS in mind! 😊 I’m looking forward to more IFS pieces from you!
I am tip toeing my way into the work of IFS and I found this essay extremely helpful. Thank you, Satya.
Just being able to name my manager - see her for who is she and why she feels she needs to protect me and all those around me I love, well, there’s self-compassion there that I didn’t expect to find.
And the puppies. They helped, too. 💕
I love the image of you tip-toeing into the magic of IFS : ) and I'm really glad, thanks for the feedback. I often write through the 'IFS' lens - it's been SO helpful. And hurray for your manager. Our managers do SUCH a good job in often difficult circumstances. Good to meet you!
Likewise! And my manager says thank you ;-)
Does IFS help with chronic health issues? I have done a lot of parts work but not from this lens.
Good question. I would see health issues as sometimes involving parts and sometimes not (ie a purely biological/physical phenomena) - we can find out how much is because of parts and how much isn't in the same way as all other parts work - by getting into Self and getting to know the parts - you could start by tuning into the physical symptoms and asking if any parts are involved or if any parts have any information about the illness. You can ask inside what percentage of the illness is 'caused by' parts too and see what happens. All this would be better to do with a trained IFS therapist if possible.
Thanks for this. I enjoyed the refresher. IFS was a game-changer for me while in a residential program earlier this year. I just published a piece reflecting on the year anniversary beginning that journey. https://goodforsomething.substack.com/p/the-way-back
Thanks for sharing Andrew and so glad you're a fan of IFS. I just read your post - powerful - thank you for sharing your story. I'm subscribed! Go gently x
Beautiful. IFS also has been incredibly helpful for my own healing. Thank you for writing such a well thought out article about it 🙏🏽❤️🩹
Welcome Dr Miguel - and so glad you have found IFS helpful yourself - I'm a bit of an evangelist! Good to meet you 🙏🏻
It's a beautiful system to share with the world. Great to chat with you! I love your writing 🙏🏽💖
Let me know if you fancy doing some kind of IFS collaboration sometime (I see your Substack overlaps with mine) - satya@satyarobyn.com. And thank you!
I would absolutely love that 😍 I'll email you.
I have read this article many times since you first posted it here last February. Your presentation of the key points in IFS therapy continue to help me find a way to navigate internal seascapes which grow very stormy at times! Mostly my difficult areas are based around shame and guilt even though I now realise that such emotions were the only way my childish mind could make sense about what was happening. And still these emotions hold far too much control over my life. It is reassuring to know that IFS therapy works well in conjunction with Mindful Self-Compassion. It means that it is possible to work on ourselves and maybe alter our perceptions of the present moment just enough to potentially make the future a slightly more loving and compassionate place to be.
Ah, so glad to hear this - I've linked to it a thousand times and was hoping it wasn't too annoying, so glad it has been something you've been able to re-read. There's a lot of theory in there! I think guilt and shame is the big one for most of us - shame is so yucky to feel. And yes, even if we can make our future (and other people's) a teensy bit more loving - bringing just a little bit more Self-energy in - then that's a good thing. Thanks Edith.
This IFS system makes total sense! Does this throw "dissociative disorder" out the window? My son was diagnosed with DD and yet, after reading about all the "parts"...I wonder, where does one end and the other begin? Hmmm....
Hi Mary - yes, it does doesn't it?! And according to IFS, DID is when parts become EXTRA extreme and almost totally cut off from each other - so we all have parts, but folk with DID have parts that work by being estranged/becoming very extreme in an attempt at holding the whole system together. Does that make sense from what you know of your son's experience? So it's a sliding scale, but it's not true (as some folk are worried) that we all have DID. All mental distress can be made sense of through the IFS lens - and there are lots of sliding scales there too - depression, anxiety etc etc. (good to have you here Mary!)
Thanks so much for your response Satya! And yes, it does make sense. I try to stay out of my son's mental health lane (!!), but IFS is good information for me to work with. Kinda feels like we're all in the sliding scale of our lives ;-)).
Thank you for the resources and this clear overview of IFS I have heard friends talk about it but this is helpful for understanding it. It makes a lot of sense to me and seems a really compassionate approach which always ticks the box for me.
So glad you found it useful Jen. Yes I think the word of mouth is growing. And absolutely - if there was one word I would use to summarise the model it would be 'compassion'. Good to meet you 😊