Lovely post ☺️. I have felt mostly wonky my whole life but as I get older I know how to roll with it (or with me, really).
My biggest challenge is being intolerant- although you probably wouldn’t see it from the outside of me. Unless you are in the car when I am driving 🤣. I would like a sticker on my dash for my passengers that says “Caution: Tourettes when driving”.
On the upside, I have the attention span of a gnat, so the intolerance is usually forgotten about momets later 🤷🏼♀️.
I love the synchronicity of you having your Dad’s phone - maybe he gave yours a bit of a shove to help that process along. Sounds like the end result worked for both you and your Mum ☺️.
I get tired more easily these days and can't do as much, even when the spirit is willing... It's hard to accept that I have to pace myself. I also know that if I exercised more that I could build some stamina back; then a part of me says oh no not that!. I say this as I lie on my couch after working half a day...
Thank you satya for your always gentle way of creating a safe space for confession and connection. I am a person who suffers from chronic self doubt, second guessing myself at most turns. Its quite embarrassing as an adult to have had many false starts from changing my mind. I am making slow changes to how I think about it all, with a little more gentleness and kindness mixed in
I love that you are shifting how you see that trait - maybe you're just a really good slow decision maker ; ) and it makes me happy to hear that it feels safe here. Hurray for that. (that takes both a container and the people in it, so thank you!)
It's so interesting. As a Buddhist I'm interested in the mind. So, when I openly talk about so called flaws it could be seen as self deprecating when in fact its simply an interest in how the mind operates.
Thinking of what it means to see ourselves & others clearly, I was reminded of this thought of Simone Weil’s (which we could apply to the self as well as the other:
“To be ever ready to admit that another person is something quite different from what we read when he is there (or when we think about him). Or rather, to read in him that he is certainly something different, perhaps something completely different, from from what we read in him. Every being cries out silently to be read differently.”
Love that quote. It sounds like a real respecting of the Otherness of the Other, rather than making them into something we've created/imagined etc... thanks for sharing!
I wasn't entirely sure of the reasons when I wrote it but I think you're onto something Lily - a preemptive strike! - there's definitely something there...
I'm gradually coming to terms with being myself, and I mean that completely: warts and all. It's taking some time, but I'm getting there!
I think sharing the journey with others like this is important. Nobody is a guru here and we're all working on improving ourselves over time (sometimes that just means being comfortable with who you are!).
Gosh, I love this post. It made me tear up. I hate feeling that I haven’t made myself clear or I’ve been misunderstood. I go over and over it and lose sleep and dream about the invention of a little laser brain zapper.
My wonky part is I have a really hard time when plans change...and guess what? They always change. You think I’d be better at managing my anxiety due to the frequency of this issue, but I’m not. I start to feel hot inside and sometimes that boils over to outside and the people closest to me. Uh oh!
I really get that there's an expectation that you'd be better at this 'by now' - I keep expecting that I won't get nervous about cooking for the community on Fridays and I've been doing it for 9 years now! Sending love to all the wonkiness x
My internal calendar is totally shattered. I'm never really sure what day or date it is. I recently bought a little wooden 'house' with blocks to change each day...which is fine until I forget to do it. I don't (can't due to MS) work, have children, survived Covid's time warp, but don't know 'when' I am without the routines of a 'normal' person's life. I read the same part of two weekend newspapers on the same day to try to 'ground' the day with myself each morning...but this usually wears off by the afternoon. I go to choir on a Thursday morning - but other than that have no fixed activities week on week. A luxury for many, this drifting through the days, weeks, years is a bit discombobulating. I can't even remember when I got divorced...just a vague memory of where I was living then to tether this unhappy balloon down. So I bob along like a fallen acorn in a river's tumbling waters.....it's quite nice actually when I think about it....
Thanks for posting Caroline - I always appreciate your sharing about your life. It sounds like a kind of advanced Zen practice, but not one you've chosen... here's to bobbing along x
Thank you for sharing Satya, this made me chuckle and made me a little emotional in equal measure. I came across your name from a Malvern gazette article - very rarely read it and only picked up the paper on a whim, but so glad I did. Such are the happy chances in life 😊.
Today's question: Which shattered or wonky parts of you are difficult for you to see through clear, compassionate eyes? If it feels okay, write about them here and we will love them for you. If not, write about them in a secret place and know that dear Earth will love them for you instead.
Thanks Satya for your post, you always seem to manage to articulate those vague, wispy, hard to see parts of myself much better than I ever could.
I always struggle after a social occasion, replaying things over and over in my head, usually in the middle of the night, not necessarily beating myself up but almost like I have to relive the event before I can let go of it. I suppose that's what people do on social media now, with photos, videos etc. I am getting better at letting go though. I went to a wedding last week and had a great time, dancing all night. This was the first time I'd danced publicly since I'd got sober in 2000 and it felt like such a release. The next morning I felt the same guilty feeling that I used to have after a night drinking which was a bit unexpected. However, I didn't dwell on it, shared with others about my previous self- consciousness and got on with my day. The act of sharing my vulnerabilities is key to moving forward and accepting myself. I continue to feel as though I've done something wrong when I let myself 'go' but am grateful for others like yourself who open up and give me permission to do the same. Sorry about the length of the post! I'm just off to feel guilty about writing it 😂.
Sounds like those parts are really starting to let you relax a little bit... although it's still hard for them to trust that things will really be okay : ) Glad you were able to share and I hope the guilt didn't linger for too long - glad you're here & appreciate your honesty 🙏🏻
Thanks 😁
I am 100% an overuser of emojis - I ❤️ them
✨
Lovely post ☺️. I have felt mostly wonky my whole life but as I get older I know how to roll with it (or with me, really).
My biggest challenge is being intolerant- although you probably wouldn’t see it from the outside of me. Unless you are in the car when I am driving 🤣. I would like a sticker on my dash for my passengers that says “Caution: Tourettes when driving”.
On the upside, I have the attention span of a gnat, so the intolerance is usually forgotten about momets later 🤷🏼♀️.
I love the synchronicity of you having your Dad’s phone - maybe he gave yours a bit of a shove to help that process along. Sounds like the end result worked for both you and your Mum ☺️.
Thanks again,
Sarah
Hehe yes maybe he did! Glad you liked the post - I though that your comment was lovely. And emojis are always a bonus ✨
Thank you for reading!
Oh Satya. This spoke to me, and to the broken, wonky part of me I wrote about a couple of weeks back that I'm sharing here with you.
Writing it down is healing; as is sharing these parts of ourselves with others. We are but human after all.
https://lindsayjohnstone.substack.com/p/on-the-edge-of-seventeen
Thanks for reading & sharing Lindsay - yes, writing is a kind of seeing ourselves! 🙏🏻
I don't like my greedy selfish bits. The me that hides certain food so my partner won't eat it all up (thoughtlessly, I've decided).
I hear you Elaine. Identify :)
I get tired more easily these days and can't do as much, even when the spirit is willing... It's hard to accept that I have to pace myself. I also know that if I exercised more that I could build some stamina back; then a part of me says oh no not that!. I say this as I lie on my couch after working half a day...
I hear you on the exercise bit - if it wasn't for my dog-walking..... lovely to have you here Elizabeth!
Thank you satya for your always gentle way of creating a safe space for confession and connection. I am a person who suffers from chronic self doubt, second guessing myself at most turns. Its quite embarrassing as an adult to have had many false starts from changing my mind. I am making slow changes to how I think about it all, with a little more gentleness and kindness mixed in
I love that you are shifting how you see that trait - maybe you're just a really good slow decision maker ; ) and it makes me happy to hear that it feels safe here. Hurray for that. (that takes both a container and the people in it, so thank you!)
I like that reframe il try remember it- a good slow decision maker
It's so interesting. As a Buddhist I'm interested in the mind. So, when I openly talk about so called flaws it could be seen as self deprecating when in fact its simply an interest in how the mind operates.
I think there's a lot of us who are lost and disconnected from society now. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, I think you're right. We all need to work on bringing each other in, I guess... Thank you for being here 🙏🏻
Thinking of what it means to see ourselves & others clearly, I was reminded of this thought of Simone Weil’s (which we could apply to the self as well as the other:
“To be ever ready to admit that another person is something quite different from what we read when he is there (or when we think about him). Or rather, to read in him that he is certainly something different, perhaps something completely different, from from what we read in him. Every being cries out silently to be read differently.”
Love that quote. It sounds like a real respecting of the Otherness of the Other, rather than making them into something we've created/imagined etc... thanks for sharing!
“There’s a strange and perverse pleasure in pointing out my flaws. Not the very worst ones, of course (see below).”
I think this is huge - by pointing out our ‘allowable’ flaws we are hoping other people don’t point out our worst ones. Or maybe that’s just me?
I wasn't entirely sure of the reasons when I wrote it but I think you're onto something Lily - a preemptive strike! - there's definitely something there...
Yay! Tiny dog pics!
I'm gradually coming to terms with being myself, and I mean that completely: warts and all. It's taking some time, but I'm getting there!
I think sharing the journey with others like this is important. Nobody is a guru here and we're all working on improving ourselves over time (sometimes that just means being comfortable with who you are!).
I think it's a long journey for most of us. There's always more wonkiness to discover ;) Good to have you here as always Andrew.
The parts of me that take over at work and push other people around. Ugh. Ughhhh.
Sending love to them, and to the parts of you that REALLY hate them x
Gosh, I love this post. It made me tear up. I hate feeling that I haven’t made myself clear or I’ve been misunderstood. I go over and over it and lose sleep and dream about the invention of a little laser brain zapper.
I love how hard that bit of you works to try and keep you safe, and I can also totally see how unpopular it would be with your other parts : )
I always receive the tearing up thing as a great gift. Thank you for being here xx
♥️
I loved this, Satya! Thank you!
My wonky part is I have a really hard time when plans change...and guess what? They always change. You think I’d be better at managing my anxiety due to the frequency of this issue, but I’m not. I start to feel hot inside and sometimes that boils over to outside and the people closest to me. Uh oh!
I really get that there's an expectation that you'd be better at this 'by now' - I keep expecting that I won't get nervous about cooking for the community on Fridays and I've been doing it for 9 years now! Sending love to all the wonkiness x
My internal calendar is totally shattered. I'm never really sure what day or date it is. I recently bought a little wooden 'house' with blocks to change each day...which is fine until I forget to do it. I don't (can't due to MS) work, have children, survived Covid's time warp, but don't know 'when' I am without the routines of a 'normal' person's life. I read the same part of two weekend newspapers on the same day to try to 'ground' the day with myself each morning...but this usually wears off by the afternoon. I go to choir on a Thursday morning - but other than that have no fixed activities week on week. A luxury for many, this drifting through the days, weeks, years is a bit discombobulating. I can't even remember when I got divorced...just a vague memory of where I was living then to tether this unhappy balloon down. So I bob along like a fallen acorn in a river's tumbling waters.....it's quite nice actually when I think about it....
Thanks for posting Caroline - I always appreciate your sharing about your life. It sounds like a kind of advanced Zen practice, but not one you've chosen... here's to bobbing along x
Bobbing along in a tumbling river sounds so beautiful, though I know how confusing it must be. Thank you for writing this ❤
Thank you for sharing Satya, this made me chuckle and made me a little emotional in equal measure. I came across your name from a Malvern gazette article - very rarely read it and only picked up the paper on a whim, but so glad I did. Such are the happy chances in life 😊.
Ah, how interesting that you found me in the Gazette!! So you're pretty local then? Great to have you here & glad you picked up the paper!
Today's question: Which shattered or wonky parts of you are difficult for you to see through clear, compassionate eyes? If it feels okay, write about them here and we will love them for you. If not, write about them in a secret place and know that dear Earth will love them for you instead.
Thanks Satya for your post, you always seem to manage to articulate those vague, wispy, hard to see parts of myself much better than I ever could.
I always struggle after a social occasion, replaying things over and over in my head, usually in the middle of the night, not necessarily beating myself up but almost like I have to relive the event before I can let go of it. I suppose that's what people do on social media now, with photos, videos etc. I am getting better at letting go though. I went to a wedding last week and had a great time, dancing all night. This was the first time I'd danced publicly since I'd got sober in 2000 and it felt like such a release. The next morning I felt the same guilty feeling that I used to have after a night drinking which was a bit unexpected. However, I didn't dwell on it, shared with others about my previous self- consciousness and got on with my day. The act of sharing my vulnerabilities is key to moving forward and accepting myself. I continue to feel as though I've done something wrong when I let myself 'go' but am grateful for others like yourself who open up and give me permission to do the same. Sorry about the length of the post! I'm just off to feel guilty about writing it 😂.
Sounds like those parts are really starting to let you relax a little bit... although it's still hard for them to trust that things will really be okay : ) Glad you were able to share and I hope the guilt didn't linger for too long - glad you're here & appreciate your honesty 🙏🏻