My first day back at work after a long break, and I utterly failed at my first two tasks.
I hold a daily Earth prayer space for folk on Zoom, and as I did my usual preparations I discovered that my internet wasn’t working. I did all the things I usually did but nothing worked. My heart rate sputtered and sped up. The start time of the group came and went and eventually I had to download Zoom onto my phone (so slow!). As I finally sat in silence with those from my group who hadn’t given up and gone, I shouted at myself in my head for not checking that the internet was working earlier.
Next, a little shaken, I found myself unable to write as planned. I’d put some pressure on myself to dive back into my writing, and negotiated with myself inside - would it be acceptable if I did something else useful for Going Gently? So I decided to record a half-hour introduction to IFS video for my subscribers here. It was a push for me to do it, but I thought it went really well - unscripted as usual, off-the-cuff, a one off.
After I clicked ‘stop recording’, I couldn’t find where it had saved. I felt my anxiety rising, and went upstairs to Kaspa’s office to ask for help. They helped me to find it, and it was corrupted. They made big efforts to recover it for me, downloading some special software. It was gone.
I sat on Kaspa’s sofa and wept a little, accompanied by a voice that mocked me - how ridiculous to get so upset about things that don’t even matter!
It was only much later that I managed to pull some sense from the violent swell of feelings.
I was in the centre of Malvern, holding my second daily Earth prayer. As usual I’d opened the book of poems at random. I stood on the steps in the cold, looking down our main street to the hazy hills in the distance, and read.
The last line slayed me.
Being, not doing, is my first job. ~ Theodore Roethke
I began to make sense of the intensity of my reaction.
My ‘must-be-productive’ parts1 had been waiting weeks to get going - to Get Shit Done, to prove to myself and everyone else that I was worthy. I had woken up feeling a little wobbly about my worthiness, after a slew of new paid subscribers to Going Gently. I really wanted to offer you all something really nice. I also hoped that writing something brilliant would assuage the self-critical voices. And then THINGS HAPPENED THAT WERE OUT OF MY CONTROL AND TOTALLY SCUPPERED ME.
I couldn’t help but think of my trip to the emergency room with my mum the week before. When emergencies happen, they don’t just throw us into an alternative reality but they remind us that we could become the person that other people are visiting in hospital at any moment.
My doing parts really hated not being in control. They tried to find ways to blame me for the messes but, as I discovered that the internet issues were due to a power cut, and that my computer had just randomly crashed during my video recording, there was nothing I could have done to prevent them. Just like my mum’s sudden illness, it was beyond me.
Roethke’s line comforted me, because it spoke a truth and the truth cut through. It reminded those ‘doing’ parts of me that they don’t have to get so agitated - I am acceptable whether I write brilliant pieces or not. Whether I clean behind the cooker or not. Whether I [insert anything] or not.
As my need-to-be-worthy-through-doing softened, the hate-not-being-in-control came into the foreground. I found comfort in a Buddhist text - the Five Remembrances. This text reminds me of the truth of impermanence and - ironically - being more honest about impermanence helps me to feel better about it. It’s something I can lean into. There’s a feeling of, ‘oh yes!’ and then ‘okay.’
Five Remembrances
From Clouds in Water Zen (Byakuren Judith Ragir)
I am of the nature to grow old. There is no escaping growing old.
I am of the nature to get sick. There is no escaping getting sick.
I am of the nature to die. There is no escaping death.
All that is dear to me, and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no escaping being separated from them.
My deeds are my closest companions. I am the beneficiary of my deeds. My deeds are the ground on which I stand.
As a Pure Land Buddhist I would add that I don’t just have to stand on the ground of MY deeds (because I don’t always manage to do the right thing) but I can borrow the ground of Amitabha Buddha, any time I need it. Your ground might be provided by our dear Earth, or humanity as a whole, or the spiritual or philosophical truth that makes most sense to you. Whether or not you feel it, I believe that the ground is there.
In the few weeks since this day, Roethke’s phrase has stayed with me. I love how words can work magic like that. It comes to mind when I am getting tangled up in ‘doing’ - whether I’m doing enough, whether my work is of a good enough quality, whether I am enough.
Slow down, it says. Relax. Being is your first job. The world will survive if you stopped being so damned productive. And we would still love you.
Go gently,
Satya <3
Tell me: How do you handle being vs. doing? How do you handle impermanence? (I’m always keen to hear your wisdom.) What has this piece stirred in you?
Here’s the re-recorded version of the Internal Family Systems video which I made that afternoon - I think it’s just as good as (but different from) the first.
Here’s the Roethke poem I read out (which is actually a section of the whole thing) and here’s an old friend writing about it.
When I talk about parts I’m using Internal Family Systems to make sense of what happens inside me - my intro with puppies is here.
I think we are always both being and doing. Our perception of being vs. doing is a matter of attention. When I am at work, I pay much more attention to what I am doing to earn my paycheck. When I go for a walk, I intentionally focus on being in my body, experiencing the movements, and being aware of my surroundings. I practice zazen meditation as a zen Buddhist. We do zazen by sitting still in a posture in order to be with the breath or koan. The doing fades into the background and becomes a support for being. It is not either/or, but rather a matter of where we put our focus.
Oh goodness... this piece came at the exact time when I'm delving deeper into my healing journey (to not feel cold/chilly by my mind --> a symptom that is counterproductive here in this country where the natural temperature itself is often cold). Just be, and being mindful, being present, in whatever I'm doing.
I watched a YT video last night from a psychiatrist, suggesting that the act of "pulling back our mind to our present state" is like a muscle. We train our muscles at the gym, so we must also train this mindfulness every day to see results. I tried being present when doing household chores, and at the online work meetings by listening to the speakers instead of multitasking/zoning out, by concentrating on 1 task at a time.
Your writing resonates with me, less being more.