Gentleness Always Wins

#1 Wisdom Jewels from Internal Family Systems

Welcome to a new series, where I will extract the most beautiful and shining gems of wisdom from a way of seeing the world called Internal Family Systems so you can try them out in your own life. We’ll begin with gentleness, of course!

Photo by Seyedeh Hamideh Kazemi

When I first started receiving therapy from an IFS therapist, I found her a little frustrating. I would be heading towards some vulnerability, all ready to FEEL IT and SORT THINGS OUT, and she’d ask me to pause. She’d say things like “are there any parts of you that are worried about getting closer?” or “to go fast, we need to go slow.” Grrr.

Now I’ve had lots of experience of guiding my own clients towards their own vulnerable exiled parts, I totally understand what she was doing. She was identifying a part of me that wanted to push-and-shove through and get to the tenderness, because it believed that this would help me.

What this pushing part actually did was override other parts of me that didn’t feel at ALL okay about going towards the vulnerability - protective parts that were worried I’d be overwhelmed by shame, or that I’d find out things I didn’t wand to find out, or that after meeting the vulnerability I’d be forced to change my life in ways I didn’t want to.

When we paused, and checked in with these worried parts, and reassured them, and when all my parts were on board, then we continued. When we reached the vulnerability my whole system was working together. We could hear what needed hearing and heal what needed healing without a hitch. To go as fast as we could, we needed to go at the pace of the slowest part of me.

Many of us have a tendency to PUSH things - to override parts of us that feel differently - because we think it will be good for us or for someone else. It’s the opposite of going gently! In my experience, whenever we override parts like this then it doesn’t go well in the long run. Maybe there’s a backlash and we take three steps backwards or we find ourselves acting out. Maybe these protective parts of us trust us even less than they did before. Maybe they do something to mess things up.

An example. Last week I said yes to seeing a friend, even though I felt a little uncomfortable as I did so - it was a busy week, and having lunch with them was in the middle of a busy day. I overrode what this part of me was saying as I really wanted to see them, and it was getting in the way of my lovely lunch! On the day of our lunch I felt totally overwhelmed with busyness and although I made myself go, I wasn’t in a good mood and it wasn’t as much fun as usual.

If I’d made more space for the part that said I was already too busy, I could have made a different choice. Maybe I’d have cancelled something else so I could still see my friend, or seen them for a shorter amount of time, or arranged a time the week after. Pushing this part away didn’t help me or my friend. I promise that I’ll try and listen to it next time…

So - today’s wisdom gem is:

Gentleness always wins.

When you next find yourself pushing yourself (or someone else), or overriding parts of you, then see if you can pause and get curious.

Why are the pushing parts pushing you? What is their fear if they stopped pushing? If you ask them to pause their pushing for a minute, what other voices can you hear inside? What are they saying? What are their worries? What wisdom might they bring to the situation? How might you reassure them?

If all your parts feel more settled, then you can continue. If they’re still unhappy, then keep listening to them. Treat them as you would a worried child - be patient, be curious, be kind.

Sometimes you might need to push past parts of you - to deal with an emergency, or to do something scary but necessary. Even so, if you’re able to listen to their concerns either before or after the event, they’ll be happier and things will go more smoothly. Don’t trust me on this - try it out and see.

If you have any personal experience of this phenomena, or if you have any questions or comments at all, do let me know. It’s always good to hear from you.

Here’s to gentleness *a soft chink of our glasses of something fizzy and delicious*

Go gently,
Satya <3

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PS did you hear our dream house update from Friday?