How to Feel Better About Yourself
(and why that will help everyone else too)
As I start this piece, I notice resistance swirling inside me. I light the writing candle on my desk, take a deep breath and close my eyes. What’s happening inside? More of that later… first I want to tell you the story of my life.
My parents raised me as well as they possibly could. I was physically cared for, and privileged in many ways. We had pets and holidays and fun. University wasn’t optional, it was expected. I was loved.
My troubles have always been within the ‘ordinary’ range. My heart has been shattered a few times. I lived for more than a decade with an alcoholic. I have been preoccupied for decades with a few favourite compulsions - food, the internet, work. I have had the benefits of 12 step groups, therapy and spirituality. My life has been pretty blessed.
All the time, certain beliefs have been lodged deep inside me. They have sat there like lumps of lead, leaching their poison through my system.
They have said:
In order to receive love, you need to work much harder than other people.
There is something disgusting at the core of you and you must be vigilant about hiding it.
You always fail at everything eventually.
You are not enough.
In my experience with my psychotherapy clients and in my own life, we all contain clusters of these deep-down buried beliefs1. These beliefs get trapped inside us when an experience we had, usually when we were very young, was so overwhelming that we needed to shut down the accompanying feelings of terror or agony or shame before our systems exploded. These experiences don’t have to have been abusive to cause deep damage. Maybe we shone happiness but our care-giver’s face reflected back blank despair. Maybe we learnt that when we yelled, people disappeared and left us alone for too long. Maybe we came to recognise their deep disgust at our mess.
I am pausing to wonder at how fragile we are - how contingent, how raw. Not just as babies, when our ongoing existence depends entirely on others, but right now as I sit at my desk - a grown-up! - and type these words. My internal organs are all quietly and squishily doing what they should do, as far as I know, but they could fail at any time. At any time my phone could shout with news of sudden catastrophe or death. My psyche is much more robust these days but it is still susceptible to hurts - maybe I’ll get a triggering email later, or that difficult conversation will go terribly and I’ll end up feeling like a piece of shit on someone’s shoe (or - maybe worse - like the crushing shoe).
What happened as I started this piece, when I had to shut my eyes and investigate?
A voice inside me said, ‘you don’t feel better about yourself. You’re not qualified to write about this.’ I checked. It was and is true - there are parts of me that still carry strong beliefs about my self-worth. Sometimes something (from inside me or outside me) pokes them, and they smart.
And.
And.
Most of the time, I do feel better about myself. When the wounded parts are poked, they don’t tend to flare up as violently as they once did. They settle down more quickly. I understand what is happening. I know what to do.
I wanted to write this piece so I could offer you the relief I’ve found. Like taking long drafts of delicious medicine from a bottomless flask, and then passing it round the circle. Here’s my attempt at putting this medicine into words. I hope drops of it reach the parts of you that have clasped onto beliefs about you that just aren’t true. Maybe shut your eyes for a moment before you continue, and take a slow breath. Okay.
⭐ Notice. This is really the only thing that needs to be on this list. Become aware, notice, be curious about what’s happening inside you and outside you. When we notice, we’re not judging or trying to fix or despairing - we don’t have an agenda. We’re just becoming aware - oh, that’s how I am. Oh, that’s how the world is. Oh. This moment of stepping-outside and witnessing is everything.
⭐ Understand. As you notice over time, and if you keep an open mind, you’ll begin to understand yourself and the world and it will make sense. ‘No wonder I get jealous after my history with my siblings.’ ‘No wonder I feel so terrible when that part that believes I’m evil is taking me over.’ ‘No wonder I can be so mean if that’s what’s at stake for me.’ When we hang out for long enough with parts of ourselves (or of others), we always reach this point: no wonder!
⭐ Find something good to lean into. I believe that the Universe contains a wise goodness, and I have definitely got better at leaning into this. I don’t always trust it, but I know somehow that it’s there, like the sun behind clouds. As I lean in, I get better at letting go of the things that I was never in control of in the first place. You could lean into nature, or humanity as a whole, or the Great Mystery, or reality… if it’s bigger than you, knows more than you, and doesn’t wish you harm, then you’re good to go.
⭐ Trust your parts. I believe this to be true and it supports me in every moment, but do test it out for yourself: the different parts of us (our self-critical parts, binge-eating parts, spiteful parts etc.) are always trying to help us. This is true even when they cause pain to us or others - they just don’t know what else to do. As we get to know them (by noticing and understanding) their behaviour will make more and more sense. If you get stuck on this, ask me.
⭐ Remember that you’re not alone. Some of us are better at hiding our worthless-feeling parts than others, but we all have battle scars. If in doubt, remember again the vulnerability of a newborn, and remember the flaws of our care-givers (that were, of course, mostly passed on to them by theirs - and so on). Some people’s unworthiness splurges out, like addictions or crime. Some people try and hide their unworthiness by super-achieving - even by becoming president of the USA (😉). That quivering, aching insecurity exists in us all.
⭐ Nest. Make a nest around you of the people, things, places, habits and objects that help you. As you change over time, add new things to your nest and let other things go.
⭐ Listen to me as I whisper this into your ear. When you take into account your history, your family’s history, our (dysfunctional) cultural context, the terror of impermanence - all of it - you are doing bloody amazingly. Yes, you have necessary self-protection - layers and layers. Yes, you mess up and hurt yourself and others. And, you are courageous. You are creative. You are resilient. You are kind. You are beautiful. You are perfectly loveable just as you are.
Don’t misunderstand me. I am not implying that there is nothing to be done. As the Buddhist teacher Suzuki Roshi would say, ‘Each of you is perfect the way you are... and you can use a little improvement.’
Contrition is a helpful emotion, as it points us towards where we need healing so we are less likely to cause harm again. Humans do and are doing terrible things, and we shouldn’t shy away from facing the truth of that. We shouldn’t stop setting appropriate boundaries, or asking for help when we need it, or confessing, or getting therapy, or seeking wisdom from the wise.
And.
And.
Maybe the world would be a better place if we could all feel just a teensy bit better about ourselves. If we practiced loving the worst in others by loving the worst in ourselves. If we lightened up. If we made space for forgiveness, and playfulness, and joy.
Sending love to all of your parts.
Go gently,
Satya <3
I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but simply couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, Don't change. I love you just as you are. Those words were music to my ears: Don't change, Don't change. Don't change . . . I love you as you are. I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed! ~ Anthony de Mello
Restacking so I can keep rereading. At 56, I’m amazed at the work I have yet to do. But I’m also much gentler with myself.
Thank you for this beautiful piece. I find it amazing how the timing of this can be so perfect for me - exactly what I needed to read at this moment in my life.