How To Worry Less About Ageing

And whatever might be lurking underneath...

Welcome to the second of my series on how to worry less about various things - the first (about everything) is here. Next week we’ll be tackling worries about failure. Before we begin, maybe linger a moment and appreciate these beautiful hands…

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

“Do I look as old as she does?”

I ask Kaspa the question as we’re watching the beautiful actor Ashley Jensen on TV, who is much older than when I saw her last, and five years older than me. They pause. They ask me if I want them to be honest. By now I already know what their answer is going to be.¹

I used to ask the question about size, being unable to decide whether my body was bigger or smaller than various women’s bodies I spotted on the streets, and needing to know the truth. If the answer was ‘smaller’ then I could feel momentarily better about myself. If it was ‘bigger’ then it was time to whip myself into restricting food again.

Ageing is one of the three sights (along with sickness and death) that woke the Buddha up to the reality of and the unavoidability of suffering in the world. I am aware that, at the spring-chicken age of 49, I have little direct experience of most of the vagaries of old age. Everything hurts more, I’ve graduated to varifocals, I’m probably perimenopausal (I’ve left the car keys in the ignition for hours three times in the past two months), but mostly so far my body does what I need it to.

So why did I ask the question? What was I really worried about?

My first answer is: vanity. I wanted to look young, or at least younger than Ashley Jensen! I wanted to grasp onto the credit that our society gives younger, attractive women. I have made good use of this credit - getting the attention that men automatically get with their man-credit, or that high status people get with their fame-credit. I didn’t want to lose it, and who could blame me for that?

As I look underneath this, I find something that brings a slight chill: fear of death.

Ageing will probably bring us more sickness and more physical limitations, but it also means that we are more likely to be nearer our end.

As I write, I am experiencing a kind of blank bewilderment. How can I begin to help you to worry less about ageing, if a fear of mortality is underneath it all? How can such a huge and scary thing be spoken about in these few paragraphs, which you may read as you eat your breakfast muesli or wait for a train on a cold platform? How can I even manage to live with the fear of my own death?

Some breaths. I glance over at the little Buddha on my shrine, where I will soon make my morning prayers to the Earth. They are sitting with the groundedness they always have, a faint smile playing on their lips. ‘You’re already doing it’, they whisper.

I am already living with the reality of death. We all are. Most of us don’t carry the knowledge around with us in our hands, but in the bottom of our rucksacks or in the back of that cupboard under the stairs. Wherever we keep it, it’s definitely in there.

I remember now that this knowledge has its own gifts. When I hold it a little closer to my heart, I’m more likely to pause and gaze at the red sunrise, to enjoy the snores my dog Ralph is offering me, to taste each hot sip of Barley Cup. I’m more likely to count my blessings rather than focussing on the irritations and inconveniences that also pile up like banks of snow. I’m more likely to land in awe. To be awake. To LIVE.

“I think awe is an exercise, both a doing and a being. It is a spiritual muscle of our humanity that we can only keep from atrophying if we exercise it habitually.”
~ Cole Arthur Riley

This is The Big Stuff. Who’d have thought I’d land here after comparing my laughter lines with Ashley Jensen’s? And also, how could we not land here?

Here we are. Here we ALL are. How can we make the most of it? Here is some balm for your own worries about ageing. Apply liberally - this advice won’t reduce your wrinkles, but I hope it’ll help you to find them beautiful.

⭐ Don’t be so hard on yourself. If you are worried about losing your youthful looks, it’s probably because you’ve grown up in a society that prizes youth and beauty to a ridiculous degree. If you are also a woman or a person of colour or belong to a sexual or gender minority etc. then DOUBLE WHAMMY (or triple, etc.). You may also have parts that judge your ‘vain’ or ‘superficial’ parts, but these parts, like all of our parts, have excellent reasons for being concerned and for doing what they do.

⭐ Take it gently. If there are big terrors lurking underneath your worries about ageing, don’t feel you need to exhume them with a mechanical digger. Approach the edges with kindness and if you feel any resistance or fear, hang out with that for a while until it relaxes before you go any further. If you’d like a wise companion to travel there with you, find a good Internal Family Systems therapist.

⭐ Find some oldster inspiration. I’ll talk about Gina Birch on Friday. Check out

Sari Botton

’s Substack below. Seek out inspiring older folk in books, in social media, and in real life. Become an inspiring oldster yourself.

⭐ Start wearing purple. Be inspired by Jenny Joseph’s poem and get some practice in early (or go full-blown spending-all-your-pension-on-brandy). Seek out freshness in yourself and in the world.

⭐ Be open to the benefits of aging. I’ve mentioned a few in these pieces already - caring a little less, the wearing away of ambition... What silver linings may appear if you were open to them? I’d be so happy to hear what you LOVE about ageing in the comments.

Finally, I can’t finish this piece without mentioning the

Oldster Magazine

- your one-stop shop on Substack for inspiring pieces about folk ‘at every phase of life’. Do check it out after you’ve left me a comment 😉 (Extra points to anyone that says I look about the same age as Ashley Jensen…)

Thanks for being here & go gently,
Satya <3

Tell me: What elements of ageing worry you the most? What’s helped you in your own journey? I’d really appreciate hints and tips from both folk who are behind me and those who are further along the path than me. Also, tell me what you LOVE about ageing!

1. I’d like to be clear about how amazingly lucky I am to have Kaspa as a spouse - I feel loved and cherished by them in all sorts of different ways every single day. And, I must admit that they were correct on this particular point 😂 Maybe it’s the special TV make-up…..