Our Own Worst Enemy
Friday Prompt #3
Our third Friday Prompt, introducing us to that most unpopular of characters - the Inner Critic…
Do you have an inner critic, or maybe even a team of them? How do you get along with them?
Some of our different parts1 are more unpopular than others. Inner critics get a bad rap because, well, they are horrible to us. They needle us, harangue us, undermine our confidence and make us feel ashamed.
The temptation is to counter their criticism with reason, or to try and knock them out of the ring entirely. Of course we want to defend ourselves from their unnecessary cruelty. Of course we think that our lives would be simpler without them. That we would be more confident, braver, and happier. Inner critics are the bad guys, right?
Except… I have got to know hundreds of inner critics in my work with my therapy clients. Every single one of them thought that they were helping, and didn’t know any other way of going about it. They try and make us perfect so we don’t slip up and get judged. They try and stop us from making mistakes so others don’t get an opportunity to shame us. They try and make us successful so we don’t have to feel the horrible feelings of worthlessness underneath.
Our critics learnt to do what they do by watching others, and they only have one skill. They are determined to use it - regardless of how unpopular that makes them - because they are desperate to do their job well for us. When pressed, they usually say that they don’t enjoy being mean to us, but they just don’t know of any other way.
How would it be to discover that your inner critic was actually trying to help you?
Excellent Question: What is my inner critic trying to do?
Instructions for using Excellent Questions:
Spend a few minutes right now thinking, moving, creating or writing in response to my question.
Jot down some notes and/or click the comment button - if you do feel comfortable sharing here, it will help others.
Write my question down or carry it around in your head with you this week. Bring it out when your critics appear. See if you can get to know them.
Be open to where the question takes you and welcome other parts of you that might react to it - listen to these parts too.
Come back here any time to share your ongoing discoveries with others.
Don’t underestimate the power of questions.
What is my inner critic trying to do?
Go gently,
Satya <3
When I talk about parts I am using way-of-thinking called Internal Family Systems. If you want to read my introduction to IFS (with puppies) it’s here. If you’ve been around a while you’ll be sick of hearing about this intro by now, but I have to let the new guys know 😊 (hi new guys!)
Awhile back I was pushing myself way too hard in a arts-based graduate program. Though none of us meant to, it became almost a contest to see who could spend the most time in the joint studio spaces. Not in competition but because we all legitimately loved what we were learning and wanted to soak up the skills and the limited time we had there.
Though I had learned a lot about my limits, I still had a ways to go and wasn't listening to my body or my head when it tried to tell me I needed to work at a different pace than these other folks. And I started to notice on my longest days, the days I came home only to let the dog out and eat dinner and then went back to the studio until 9 or 10, I'd lay my head down on the pillow, completely exhausted, really quite proud of the things I did that day, and admittedly at a place with my inner critic in which I was able to retain some objectivity with its criticisms, but it'd start in with the 'you're lazy. you didn't do enough' etc., round of admonishment.
And I just went like dude, what on earth? I did so much today! I don't understand.
When I finally, finally crashed, I mean, crashed and nearly dropped out of the program, spent months only being able to crochet neck gaiters and do the absolute minimum school-wise, it occurred to me, in its own backward way my inner critic was probably trying to tell me to slow down. 'You think you're lazy so you're pushing yourself too hard!' but it's not capable of expressing full thoughts. lol. I'm trying to listen more openly now.
Hello, Satya! Getting to know my inner critic some years ago was a turning point in my personal development journey. When I realized this part of me said everything critical before someone else could or did, I understood the goal was to protect me. Offering this part my love and my tenderness and my support has made it easier to take steps towards my goals as well as slowly dismantle my perfectionism. I enjoyed this post!