People Are Really Upset With Me
Is there something for me to learn?
I'm gonna burn a load of old plastic, oil drums and tyres in the garden this evening just to balance things out. You might be able to see it from the top of the hills.
This is a comment for me from a stranger called Jason. I had posted about my daily prayer for the Earth eco-activism project on our local Facebook page. His scathing comment was one of many.
I’ve been doing activism for a while and so I’m pretty used to this sort of thing. Most of the abuse falls into the same few categories - ‘stop being a waste of space hippy and get a job!’, ‘have you got a mobile phone and did you drive here, you bloody hypocrite?’, or ‘it’s idiotic people like you who are ruining the country’.
When disruption is involved, causing things like extra delays to traffic, reactions level up. I totally get that, and whether disruption is ever justified is another story for another day1. But even when I do something innocuous like sitting in meditation on a broad pavement with a sign behind me, negative reactions can be strong.
The vast majority of the public are supportive but of those who are upset, most people are mocking. I see passersby turning to their companions and raising their eye-brows, or people (almost always men - maybe that’s another piece for another day!) making a rude gesture at me from their cars. People sometimes disapprove of what I’m doing enough to stop and tell me what I should be doing instead, like campaigning for population control, or planting trees, or helping in food banks2. Some (thankfully rare) people are full of hot-white rage.
When I’m feeling vulnerable, or full of climate grief, these reactions can wear me down. Mostly I just filter them out, choosing to spend my energy elsewhere. Sometimes, though, I get interested in them. What parts3 of these people are getting triggered by my actions? Why do they need to mock me or to say something mean? What general opinions might they be representing? How can I enter into a conversation with them rather than a polarised and escalating fight?
This is a complicated topic and there’s probably a segue into a personal theme of mine - people-pleasing. One of the things I learnt from doing activism is that being ‘liked’ is not the same as being ‘successful’. The big shifts in history (civil rights, the suffragette movement) were initiated by people who were vilified in their own time. I need to be careful not to waste energy on trying to win antagonistic folks round, just because I want to be popular or I want to look a certain way on social media.
Even so, I think that there’s something important here to explore. My hypothesis is that a lot of the people who troll activists or who yell at them on the streets are being driven by their fear and shame. They think that I’m judging them or telling them what to do, and so they subconsciously choose anger over feeling guilty about what they ‘should’ be doing differently. They think I’m weird (which I am!), and so they mock me rather than open up to the scary unknown of ‘difference’. They don’t want to think about the climate crisis and they want me to shut up about it. They are angry about the suffering in their own lives or their loved one’s lives and feel their problems are being minimised or ignored by the government and activists (they probably are). Most of all, they are afraid of what they might lose if they had to make climate mitigation adjustments to their own lives.
I am aware that I am saying ‘they’ a lot, and of course ‘they’ is also me. I was in denial for a long time about the horrific scale of the problems facing us. I didn’t want to feel my feelings about it. I am afraid of losing my own ‘small pleasures’ - driving to a park to walk the dogs, new clothes, the particular foods I enjoy. I feel guilty when I hear about eco-activists in prison, like Mike - we are living through terrible times and I should be doing more, I should be making more sacrifices… I know how it is to think other people are weird too - I spent some time at our community meal this week mocking a group who believe that ‘we are made of carbon and so more carbon is a good thing’. See - I’m doing it again 😉
Whether my theories are true or not, what can I do about people who are upset with me when I do certain things? Let’s broaden this out so it may be more relevant to your own non-activism-related dilemmas. When people are upset about what you’re doing, what can you do?
Resource myself. If I feel wobbly, then there’s no way I can listen to these sorts of comments without getting triggered and wanting to ‘hurt them back’. Either this, or just feeling hurt and upset by the comments. For me resourcing myself means getting support from fellow like-minded folk, limiting my exposure to the trolling when I’m feeling vulnerable, connecting in with my purpose for the activism, and generally looking after myself as best I can - sleep, good food, rest - all those sensible things. Sometimes it helps to have a good old moan about it to a sympathetic friend too. (‘And then they said THIS!’)
Remember my own limits. If I start from a place of moral superiority, then I am never going to find wisdom in the critiques of others. I always find it helpful to do the kind of ‘turnaround’ I did above whenever I start talking about ‘them’. How do those traits show up in me? How would I be if I’d lived their lives? What damage do I cause when I do to others a version of what they do to me?
Be curious. If I can find my curiosity when faced with unkindness or being laughed at, it helps a lot. Why do people feel a need to defend themselves against my actions in this way? What misinformation might they be acting on? What are they trying not to feel? Where is their own suffering?
Remember parts! Now that I know about parts, it helps a LOT to remember that I am only seeing one part of a person who’s being mean or mocking. They will also have lots of other parts - loving parent, loyal friend etc. - I’m just not seeing those parts of them right now!
Know when to quit. If someone continues to be disrespectful or angry or mocking once we’ve entered into a conversation, I’ll often bail out pretty quickly. I’ve stopped people from monologuing at me many times on the street with a kind but firm, ‘I’ll stop you there, neither of us is likely to change our mind on this and so let’s agree to disagree.’ Boundaries are key!
Take refuge. I take refuge in the Buddha and in dear Earth - you can substitute in your own non-impermanent place/deity/group of people/philosophy. Whether I’m doing the ‘right thing’ or not is the Buddha’s business - not mine, and not other people’s. If I continue to foster a good connection with the Buddha, then it’s easier to stay steady regardless of the feedback I’m getting from the world.
Enjoy the journey! If I can focus in on what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and why it feels good or right, then I’m less likely to be knocked by the opinions of others. I am really enjoying my daily prayers, and that makes everything easier.
I’ll try and keep listening to the negative voices - with discernment and steadiness, with a pragmatic view of when to shut my ears, and with an acknowledgement of my own vulnerability and limitations.
If there are specks of gold in these comments, then great. I wouldn’t have written this piece if it wasn’t for Jason’s burning tyre pile, and so thank you Jason 😉
If there’s no gold in them, then I will politely hand them back.
Onwards!
Go gently,
Satya <3
Tell me: Do you have any experience of people being upset with you for doing things that you believe in? How was it? What parts of them might have been triggered? How did you/can you keep going in the face of criticism? I’d love to hear about your experiences, or your reactions to this piece… Maybe you think I should get a job? 😉 (I know, enough winky faces already…)
Disclaimer: our planet is melting and I totally think it is.
I agree that we should all be planting trees and helping at food banks. I don’t do these things. There are lots of other good things I don’t do too. I am hugely grateful to those who do.
This idea of parts really resonates with me. Thank you for reminding me about them by writing pieces like this. It’s good to remember that when someone is exhibiting negative emotions, that is not their whole. As always, I appreciate your insights.
Satya,
Don’t you already have a job? Aren’t you a therapist? What’s more important is that you have a purpose, that you strive, every day, to make the world a better place. Your life has meaning to you and to a lot of the rest of us who derive comfort and inspiration (which isn’t always comfortable, nor should it always be) from your kindness and insights. You are splendid just the way you are.