Taking A Break from Self-Development
The radical act of leaning into the Other
I have ‘worked on myself’ for decades.
I have had a lot of therapy - weekly or twice-weekly, psychodynamic, person-centred & IFS1, some of it excellent, some a mixture of helpful and downright harmful. I have devoured many thousands of self-help books, some in a single gulp. I have done two years-longs trainings to be a Buddhist minister, and two years-long trainings to be a psychotherapist. I have attended courses, conferences and retreats. I have had endless ‘unpacking’ conversations with my colleagues, spouse and friends, and filled a teetering pile of journals as tall as me.
Am I perfect yet? Well, I’m almost there… 😉
I love this kind of work. I feel a fizz of excitement when I find a new voice, a new method, or a new spiritual perspective. I experience the pure joy of learning, the benefits of incorporating new wisdom, and the deep comfort of remembering what I already know. I am driven by curiosity and by wanting to connect more deeply with everything.
Mixed in with these ‘purer’ motives are self-protective ones that get me into trouble. These parts of me say, ‘maybe this book will stop my suffering and bring me unremitting joy’. ‘Maybe this teacher will help me to find enough acceptance and love’, ‘Maybe this technique will mean I can earn enough money to feel secure.’ These voices are relentless. They hold onto the hope that ‘enough’ is at the end of the next how-to-get-organised project or just on the other side of a new qualification.
Of course, ‘enough’ never arrives.
Recently I have been feeling sick of self-development, as I did last night when I ate too many caramel chocolates. This morning I deleted three half-read self-developmenty books from my kindle. I have been feeling slightly troubled by my paid subscription offering here - am I expecting folk to expend more effort in order to ‘improve’, even if that improvement is going more gently? Is that what folk really need? Is it what I need?
When I stop working so hard on myself, what is left? As soon as I type these words, I feel the window crack open and a tongue of cool air enters in.
What is left is accepting myself just as I am. What is left is leaning into the Other.
It’s difficult for me to say more without briefly outlining the form of Buddhism I practice - Pure Land Buddhism. There are two characteristics of this school of Buddhism which I like very much. The first is that we are completely accepted and loved by the Buddha right now, with all the flaws that we can see and with all the flaws that only the Buddha can see2. The second is that we are encouraged to lean into the Buddha’s wisdom and compassion, and trust that we will be supported, encouraged and consoled.
This radical idea, which I first encountered in the 12 step programmes, has been the perfect medicinal antidote to my striving, self-help-ey soul. It reminds me that I don’t have to become a better version of myself before I am loved. It also reminds me that I don’t have to do it all by myself - that I can (and should) lean into other people, groups, systems, philosophies, landscapes and synchronicities to receive nourishment and unexpected wisdom.
My shoulders drop a little and the need to stretch nudges me from inside. As I circle my elbows backwards, tightness eases - some of my sticky ought-juice and sad feelings of inadequacy trickle into the ground.
I am already enough.
So what does this mean? I have a part that leaps to binaries as a way of trying to keep the world’s chaos at bay. It wants to know, should I give up self-development right now and never engage in a self-improving activity again? Well, I am already taking part in Bayo Akomolafe’s course, and I’m running two book study groups this Autumn. And I love learning!
I remind this binary-loving part of the Middle Way, and of discernment.
Sometimes when I pursue learning, I am reaching towards connection with an open mind and heart. I am shining a gentle light onto unknown aspects of myself, or giving important questions some time to germinate in the Good Dark.
Sometimes I’m trying to wriggle away from pain. I turn my learning into a potential solution. THIS will finally heal this infected old wound. THIS will prop me up and strengthen my ego. THIS compulsive fixing will finally fix me. I will never eat too much/get jealous/spend too much/question my purpose/get into relationship tangles/work too much (etc. etc.) again! Solutions - don’t you just love them?
And, as Karan Barad says…
“...there are no solutions; there is only the ongoing practice of being open and alive to each meeting, each intra-action, so that we might use our ability to respond, our responsibility, to help awaken, to breathe life into ever new possibilities for living justly…”
There is only the ongoing practice of being open and alive to each meeting.
Sometimes we manage to be open and alive, and sometimes we don’t. That’s okay! Sometimes we remember that we are already enough, and sometimes we don’t. That’s okay! It’s all okay - the Buddhas are always smiling fondly at us, whether we lift our eyes to see them or not.
I will have a little break from self-development reading. I am going to refine my offering to paid subscribers from this Friday (I’ll be sending it out to free subscribers too as a little treat) and make it really clear that there are no obligations to be different. I want to bring consolation - not more suggestions or oughts or work. As I think about what I offer here I start to get lost in plotting and planning. Ooh, I’m getting closer to making the perfect offering! If I work really hard, I’ll definitely get 10000 new subscribers and become famous and change everyone’s life…
The breeze brushes cool fingers across my forehead. It is reminding me once again - it’s not all down to me. I can try try try and I’m still dependent on a million shifting conditions, my extremely limited knowledge and energy, the vagaries of the Universe. Rather than getting all strivey3 and tight I can invite in (or allow) what Bayo Akomolafe calls ‘the glitch’ - the out-of-control glorious messiness that enlivens everything.
I can lean into the Buddha, I can lean into dear Earth, and trust her to show me the way.
It’s a gentle dance.
It’s not ‘me and everything else’ dancing. It’s not ‘me and the Earth’, each of us separate, me pushing or pulling, me manipulating, me me me. It’s not ‘me and the Earth’ because I am the Earth, and she is me.
Oh, this dance. This dance. Isn’t it beautiful?
Go gently,
Satya <3
Tell me: How do these words land in you? What light or Good Dark do they offer? What wants to be spoken? If there is something, I am listening.
(You can read more about my Buddhist life on Wednesdays at my other Substack, Gentle Buddhism. Folks of all faiths and philosophies are welcome - just translate the word ‘Buddha’ into whatever works for you as you go along.)
I don’t know about you but it turns out I am riddled with them 😉
I know that strivey isn’t a word but maybe it should be.
My practice focus for this year is "Notice and name what's coming up in me, others, and the environment ". No fixing. Harder than it sounds. 🙏
Love this post. Just beautiful✨🦌✨🧚♀️🤸♀️🌼🌷🌈🌺🪷💕☀️🥰✨🌟💖🙏🕊️
Also a thought regarding this: "The first is that we are completely accepted and loved by the Buddha right now, with all the flaws that we can see and with all the flaws that only the Buddha can see."
I wonder what would happen if, in IFS language, one cultivates a part of oneself that is one's own "inner Buddha"? Perhaps it may help with the practice of radical self-acceptance?