The Brilliance Behind Everything
The 8 qualities of 'Self' and how they can help you (plus bunnies)
A story.
I was at a networking event in a room full of strangers and I suddenly noticed I was internally disparaging the people on my table. This woman was whiny. This man was puffed up and overestimating his own competence. This person was not the sharpest tool in the box. One by one, I dismissed the people around me as unworthy of my attention.
I felt disgusted by my judgemental behaviour, and then I got curious. Why might I act in that way? I wasn’t usually so critical of people. As I pondered, I realised that I was feeling insecure, and afraid of how others might be judging me. Maybe I was judging them first, discounting them, to protect me from being rejected?
As I saw the truth of this, I started softening towards the part that was judging others. It was trying to protect me, and doing so in the only way it knew how. As I made space for the reality of my own insecurity, and felt kinder towards myself - out of my depth in an unusual social situation - I all-at-once felt kinder towards everyone else on my table. Maybe they were feeling a little insecure too.
Where did this curiosity come from? How did it transform not just my view of what was happening, but my whole outlook and my whole experience for the rest of that day?
The theory bit.
Eight years ago I discovered a way of seeing the world that transformed not just my psychotherapy practice but (sorry to be so dramatic) my whole life. It’s called Internal Family Systems or IFS. You can read my introduction with puppies here, or alternatively here's a very brief overview. We are all made up of different parts. These parts have complex relationships with each other, just as family members do. When we can move towards understanding the jobs these parts perform for us and why, and then help them in various ways to have more freedom, we move towards more inner and outer harmony and (hurray) more happiness.
One of the most radical things about IFS is the concept of ‘Self’. IFS proposes that at the core of each of us is an unbreakable, remarkable, luminous body of energy which exudes compassion and wisdom. This stuff, known as Self or Self-energy, can be covered over by other parts of us, but it is never extinguished. When our parts take over and cause chaos, even though we can’t see Self it continues to shine just as brilliantly as ever - like the sun behind dark clouds. If we can persuade our parts to relax and shrink a tiny bit, we can connect with Self-energy again and live from a very different place.
We can recognise when Self-energy is present because it has certain qualities that are common to everyone. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, came up with a list of 8 of these qualities that all begin with a ‘C’. It is still amusing to me that even after 8 years I struggle to remember them all without looking them up. Let’s see how I do…
Curiosity. Compassion. Calm. Connectedness. Confidence. C… [thinking] C… [a long gap] Courage. Creativity. And the last one… I’m going to resist looking it up… Clarity!
Over many years of working with therapy clients, I have found the theory of Self to be true over and over again. What we often see of other people is their parts - especially when these parts aren’t doing so great - their depressed parts, anxious parts, blaming parts, jealous parts, boasting parts, self-critical parts or angry parts. All of these parts are trying to protect us. When we can help these parts to relax and step out of the way a little bit, what we begin to see is the Self-energy of that person - their tenderness, their interest in the world, their willingness to learn, their kindness.
The same is true for us.
My story plus the theory.
Back to the networking event. There is a part of me that has the job of ‘put others down when you’re feeling insecure and so avoid having to feel your own insecurity’. For simplicity’s sake, let’s call this part Judgy Judgepants. Mr. Judgepants was the part I suddenly noticed at the networking event.
When I first noticed Judgepants, I was seeing it from the perspective of ANOTHER part - one that (understandably) didn’t like it at all, and that saw Judgepants as disgusting and mean.
When this disgusted one calmed down, I felt suddenly curious about Judgepants: “What is going on here?” This is curiosity, and curiosity is a quality of Self, and so this was a clue that I was now looking at Judgepants not from the perspective of another part, but from the perspective of Self.
Self didn’t judge Mr. Judgepants - it just wanted to know more about it.
So how can all this help you?
The good news about Self.
Here’s how knowing about the concept of Self helps me.
Knowing that I have Self-energy behind everything else is immensely comforting. Even when everything feels utterly hopeless or I hate myself or I hate the world (and elections), I know that Self is there. I might not be able to access it in that moment - the dark clouds may be completely obscuring it - but I can totally trust that it’s there, and that at some point I will be able to access it again.
Knowing that other people have Self-energy helps me to be patient with them and kinder to them. I still set appropriate boundaries when I need to, and other people still sometimes bug the HELL out of me, but I know that I’m only seeing their spiky self-protective parts and that underneath all that is a kind, tender, warm energy that wants to get out. It may not get out much or even at all in this lifetime, as sometimes the self-protective armour folk develop is necessarily fierce. Regardless, it’s definitely there.
Knowing that I am feeling bad/sad/angry etc because I have parts in charge is helpful. When I feel something intensely, it’s a clue that a part (or parts) in extremis have taken me over. In the process of noticing this, I am looking AT the part rather than being totally blended with the part, and this allows a teensy bit of space for Self. Spiritual traditions talk about occupying the position of the witness - this is the equivalent. As I offer attention to the parts, asking them why they’re upset and how I can help them, the black clouds shrink a little bit and a little ray of sunshine pokes through.
I’m really interested in whether the concept of Self maps on to how you already see yourself and others, or whether there are differences. If there is anything new, or anything that reminds you of something you’ve forgotten, what are the implications of you experimenting with this new way of seeing people? Do let me know in the comments.
Over the coming weeks I will be taking each of the eight qualities of Self in turn. We will take a deeper dive into how we can cultivate them or make use of them in our everyday lives. The first four are already written: Curiosity, Clarity, Courage
& Connectedness. The last four are Compassion, Confidence, Calm and Creativity, plus a bonus piece on finding Self-energy outside ourselves.
IFS is a thread that runs through much of my writing here, but you can explore a few especially IFS-ey pieces here.
Wishing you the comfort of touching into this brilliance that is behind everything. However you’re feeling right now, I know it shines in you - more strongly than you can imagine.
Go gently,
Satya <3
Love the bunny breaks, perfect for pausing to reflect, thanks Satya xo
I look back now and realise how lucky I was early in my training to study with Transpersonal therapists who had a grounding in psychosynthesis. Assagioli’s parts theory that IFS is based on, is so powerful and transformative. I’m considering a refresher course so that I can use it more accurately in my writing and I’m really drawn to studying IFS too.