The Story of Mum's New Rescue Dog
Or, how I like to interfere with EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIME
Meet Charlie, my mum’s brand new rescue dog. I’d like to tell you his story. Let me start at the beginning...
Since dad’s death last April, my usually healthy and youthful-looking 76 year old mum had been suffering from various health complaints. A couple of scary and unpleasant hospital admissions later, and nobody could really tell us which of her symptoms were because of heart issues (definitely some of them) and which were as a result of anxiety.
At a hospital appointment to measure her lung capacity with a spirometer, she talked about her health, dad’s death and her general anxiety to the consultant. This woman lit up. “I’ve got just the prescription for you,” she said. She beckoned mum over to her computer and brought up a website - a local dog rescue centre.
Mum had briefly toyed with the idea of getting a dog shortly after dad died, but she didn’t feel quite brave enough. The consultant’s suggestion stayed with her.
When mum told me this story on the phone and mentioned lightly that she was considering the possibility of getting a dog again - WHOOOSH - several parts of me leapt into action. It was like the siren had gone off at a fire station. A dog! How could I persuade her to definitely do it? How could we solve the problem of her garden which is open to the road? Where would she find a good dog? As soon as I got off the phone I started looking on rescue sites, and within ten minutes had sent her three or four possibilities…
The same team of parts of me had leapt into action when we were looking for our own second dog. Once the decision had been made I needed to find one immediately and within five days I had a huge list of rescue centres for miles around, I’d set my heart on several dogs that we were subsequently turned down for, and I’d driven for three hours to bring Ralph home with us.
I have always been prone to interfering. I won’t let you discuss this with my spouse Kaspa 😬🙄
There are good reasons for this. As a child, my go-to when things were scary was to control as much as I possibly could, and I became excellent at it. These qualities have brought me all kinds of benefits. I am tenacious when it comes to completing projects, I am good at networking and influencing people, and I am great at getting stuff done. I’ve put these parts of me to work, especially as an eco-activist, at our Buddhist temple and as a writer. These parts (I hope) have helped me to make good offerings to the world.
These parts of me also have down-sides. At their worst, they can be critical of the way other people do things or not trust them to do things ‘properly’, they can think they know best about everything, they can struggle with not being in control, and they can poke their nose in where they are not at all welcome.
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As time went on, I tried to curb the worst of my interference - checking with mum that she still wanted me to send her new potential dogs when I found them (she did), and only mentioning it once per phone call 😬 I tried to talk her out of a medium sized dog that would be too heavy for her to pick up, and gave her all kinds of advice about the dangers of finding dogs online, the strict requirements of rescue centres, and managing her expectations about how much her life would change.
Secretly, I worried. The dogs I was finding were either too young or too old, or had major heath or behavioural problems. Ralph is reactive around other dogs, and I knew how much of a nightmare it had been to learn about what he needed and to keep him and other dogs safe whenever we go out. I doubted she’d ever find a dog for the budget she was hoping for. I was afraid that she might get dispirited, and back out of the whole thing. I thought that her getting a dog would be the answer to all of her problems, and I desperately wanted it to happen!
A couple of weeks into mum’s (or was it my!?!) search, a friend of hers (who has dogs herself) told mum that her dog trainer was also training a dog that needed rehoming. This dog, Chewie, was a 5 3/4 year old Lhasa Apso. Mum sent a photo - he looked a bit like Ralph. His downsides? He had a mild manageable health problem (cherry eye) and apparently he sometimes got a bit grumpy when you wanted to chuck him off the sofa in the evening!
Chewie’s loving family came over to check mum out, and at the end of the long visit pronounced that he ‘couldn’t hope for a better home’. Mum got her garden fenced and a couple of weeks ago, Chewie (renamed Charlie) moved in. His old family didn’t want any money in exchange, and Charlie also arrived with two good dog beds, coats, lots of food, and a clutch of beautiful dog toys.
I met him the day after he arrived. He is a TOTAL sweetheart - a gentle, responsive, affectionate dog. He played with me for a while on the living room carpet, and he was perfect on lead (unlike our two 🙄). Just before I left he jumped onto the sofa and leaned against mum like he’d lived with her for all of his life.
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Decades ago, I spent time in a 12 step programme for people affected by a loved one’s addiction. I went to the group because for many years I had been trying to help/control my alcoholic partner. Not only was it not working, but I was feeling more and more desperate and crazy and alone. The group turned out to contain a fair number of lovely control freaks just like me. I am still grateful for how these groups and the people in them totally transformed my life.
12 step programmes are based on the premise that we don’t know everything - that there is something bigger and wiser than us (known in the steps as a Higher Power), and that we can tap into its knowledge and be led by it as our lives unfold.
This was a steep learning curve for someone like me, who had taken refuge in always-being-in-control. As time went on, I did manage to experiment with leaning into something bigger. Sometimes this was the wisdom of the group, sometimes this was nature, and sometimes this was something ineffable. To my great surprise, it always helped me.
This is not your week to run the Universe. Next week is not looking so good either.
~ Susan J. Elliott
One of my sponsors at the time told me something I’ve never forgotten - that her Higher Power had plans for her that always turned out to be more majestic or magical than the plans she had for herself. It seemed like mum’s Higher Power had something much better planned for her than I could imagine. She (or her HP) didn’t need my interference at all.
If you’re not a spiritual person, you may be recoiling a little. Higher Powers? In this broken world??
Was it necessary for me to believe that there is a beneficent being who controls everything, in order to relax my own tight control?
I don’t think it was.
I think that it was necessary for me to believe that maybe - just maybe - I didn’t know everything and that I didn’t actually run the whole Universe. To experiment with leaning - everso gently - on things other than my own self. To experiment with trusting in some kind of larger process that is unfolding without me and often even despite my unhelpful interference. To withhold my judgements and certainties, and to rest for a little while in negative capability. To remember that, unlike what the young scared child inside me believes, I am not alone.
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I am so delighted for mum and for Charlie. They have found each other in a way that nobody could have designed or manufactured or predicted - that no amount of meddling or interfering would have achieved.
I find that life is like this more than I would expect it to be. We try really hard to make a thing happen, and then something totally unexpected happens instead, and it turns out that this was the best thing all along. Or we try really hard for ages and nothing happens, and as soon as we stop trying, it happens. Or the worst thing turns out, in the very long run, to have been absolutely the best thing. Gah!
I’ll try and remember my lesson, but I’m afraid, dear Universe, that I will probably forget it again before too long. That’s okay. I know you’ll show me again, and again, and again.
Right now, I am dwelling in the delicious magic of mum and Charlie’s happy ending.
Go gently,
Satya <3
Tell me: Do you have any stories about your pets (I’m a sucker for them), or about times when it turned out the Universe had better plans for you than you realised? I’d love to hear them 🤍
Coming up in April for paid subscribers - a series of ‘Ask Satya’ & other deliciousness. In June, an invitation to get closer to nature by Kissing the Earth - daily emails with my favourite nature poems, a reflection & more. Paid subscribers get access to all my courses & my archives too. Short on cash at the moment? Message me.
Hello, Charlie. So pleased to meet you!
We have two rescue dogs right now, Roxy and Bell. Roxy is eleven and I find it hard to imagine a life without this big, gentle, furry soul who doesn't want to go for walks without me (she'll often linger behind while my husband walks Bell).
Dogs make me a better person, more calm and joyful and connected to the earth.
I'm so glad your mother has Charlie!
P.S. I like to control things too. :)