Dear Satya, I want to thank you so much for sharing the work of Josie George a few weeks back, and then Tanya Shadrick also. I've since read both their memoirs and am so stunned by them both, and by how much they resonate, that I feel slightly dizzy, Closing the books is like coming out of a spell, but one where I'm brought more fully back to myself. What a gift, thank you!
And I continue to be so moved by your work. The wrong medicine is a great phrase for your dilemma here. And I don't know what magic is at work here, but your posts so often nail EXACTLY something I'm sitting with or noticing. Your writing and your helpful prompts are like a balm then.
In answer to your invitation: I'm currently struggling with what is really a delicious problem to have, but my body is having problems containing! I recently decided to take an unpaid sabbatical, to focus on my writing and my dharma practice. My writing has been lit up by a book & course run by Cathy Rentzenbrink, another kindred spirit (if you don't know her, I think you'd love her). And oh my goodness, I can't stop. The writing is streaming out of me. Honestly, in 50-odd years of trying to engage in a healthy way with my writing practice, it has never been like this. And also - I've just come across a job, that is probably mine if I want it. It feels just a bit too soon. There are polarised forces pushing me towards the financial security and oh, the shiny! The status etc etc etc etc (it's in academia, it's a subject very meaningful to me - it's about stories! And mental health!) And also, just as strongly this time, the forces pushing me towards my own creative practice. How much do I absolutely refuse to abandon that again, because of overwork and exhaustion?! Is this just one of those times where you make a creative decision and then life throws you a great big bauble to test your faith, you warrior spirit?!
I want this resolved, now. My body is fizzing. And your questions are helping me to take deep breaths, to get more information, to slow down. And to listen to all the parts of me that want both things. Might I be able to do both, without it destroying me or (more likely) my connection with my own creativity? Without giving up my own naps on Sunday afternoons and time at dusk to stitch things, slowly? I need to breeeaaathe with your questions some more.
Thank you!! As ever, your writing has found me just when I needed it.
Here's to 'gentle deepenings rather than energy-intensive expandings' (YES!)
Joy - I'm so happy to read this - the only thing better than finding an amazing new writer is introducing them to others! And how wonderful about your writing. I hope you can find the way forwards with the job - I recognise that powerful pull towards & away very well. So very lovely to have you here & clinking glasses with you - to gentle deepenings : )
That’s so interesting Satya, I considered doing the same course, but decided early on I really couldn’t justify taking on any more commitments. Plus it didn’t really sound like it would be a good fit for me, although I was drawn to the content. I’m really curious about your experience but realise it’s none of my business. I shall just have to wonder
You can ask questions! I hear it won't be run in the same way next year, and so maybe you could give it a try. I'm sure lots of people find it wonderful. Different strokes for different folks!
This is the part of your experience I’m curious about:
“I discussed it with a fellow course participant, and there was commonality in our experience of the community that has formed around the teacher. We guessed at the shadow - something about the teachings that led to a surfeit of chaos, and to a disconnection from what is ordinary, tangible and reliable. I didn’t feel oriented, inspired, or safe”
I’m wondering what it was about the teachings that facilitated (or encouraged maybe?) that disconnect from the tangible? In one of the online things I’m involved in there’s a lot of philosophical abstracting that I find hard to relate to. I enjoy the mind play, but I struggle to see how I can “apply” it. I tend to be a literal person and I think I need something more solid and tangible, but other participants seem to thrive on the same sort of discourses! Not sure if that is relevant to your experience!
By the by, I just received a copy of Zen Encounters With Loneliness in the mail and was chuffed to see your endorsement on the back cover!
I found EXACTLY what you described - how does this actually help me to live my day to day life? It didn't. There were lots of good things that maybe should have helped to facilitate this and it did emotion was being felt/processed, but somehow it wasn't helping me to be kinder towards myself or others, Which is one of my touchstones. Sorry I can't be clearer about it, it all feels quite fuzzy - definitely unconscious material for me and probably also for the course leaders. Thank you for the question - helpful. And ooh Terry is a good friend and that book is one of my all time favourites. I hope you enjoy! 🙏🏻
Asking the question meant I had clarify the reasons for my own discomfort! It’s something that’s actually bothered me for a while…I’ve been hanging in there in the particular online space because I definitely DO see value and it’s a rich environment with people I respect and admire, and lots of food for thought, but I do wonder sometimes if it’s worth persevering.
I should add that in addition to my need for something more tangible, there’s also a whole lot of internal dialogue going on: “you’re not as smart as these other people”, “you don’t fit in” “people don’t like you”. Gawd…it’s actually a bit of a mess in there 😵💫
I do wonder if that kind of space we're talking about actually makes those thoughts more likely. A model of highly intellectual folk being the ones 'in power' (whether or not they actually say they are) and a possible denial of powerlessness/ordariness... Just riffing but I recognise some of what you're saying too and I'm not usually prone to that kind of thing. I do think it has a lot to do with maleness too......
I’m in an entanglement that pulls at the threads of childhood trauma and a recent eating disorder trauma, so it feels more like a war zone than an argument in my body. My 4-year-old is PDA autistic and her PDA is impacting her toileting behaviors. She’s withholding, and her withholding behavior doesn’t follow the usual pattern of withholding in children, and conventional approaches to the issue tend to make the situation worse.
Because the well-being of my child is at stake, my anxiety is constantly swirling around the issue. It is complex enough to require professional support, but unique enough to require us to chart our own path, applying some recommendations, rejecting others. Because the crux of the issue lies in the body of my child--*she* needs to arrive at a place where she feels safe to poop, I can’t arrive there for her--it really requires a posture of letting go, letting her lead. You realize how little you understand the intricacies of your child’s nervous system. How even though you birthed her and have spent every day by her side, she contains mysteries. My brain wants an expert on children to tell me exactly what to do. But my body knows the only expert here is my child, and I need to learn from her.
But the trauma from my own childhood--all I learned about what’s allowed and what’s not allowed when I was 4--is recoiling at every movement.
This has turned into a bit of a brain dump, but the steps you name at the end of this piece are illuminating and clarifying without oversimplifying. They can provide a sort of anchor even when the argument develops into an all out war. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing Shaina - I'm so glad you liked the steps. It does sound intricately complicated - how lucky your 4-year-old is to have a parent who's taking such care with her - attempting to understand, not jumping to conclusions, trying different things... wishing you well on your onward journey with it (and with your own young parts). 💚
I sign up for all sorts of training, both at work and in my own time. Sometimes I have the courage to stop attending, other times I feel like I’ll be missing out on “the answer” I’ve been looking for, or some secret that only I don’t know.
I love the idea of noticing when we’re trying to educate ourselves out of vulnerability. You put it so perfectly. I get this grasping feeling inside me, where I feel like I’m grabbing at anything which might help, but actually I already have the answers.
The trouble is, I don’t necessarily like the answers because they involve patience and going deeper (rather than wider).
Yes, that grasping feeling is the key I think... and maybe there's nothing wrong with grasping in itself, but good for us to know what we're hoping for/the acknowledge we might not get it! And yes to not wanting to go deeper... (for me) where the scary things might be! Thanks for sharing Gemma 🙏🏻
I love the idea of being patient with the dithering...acknowledging it as part of the process. I'm trying more and more to listen to my body, which seems to know best what is and isn't right for me. My mind can come up with all types of interesting stories about what I should and shouldn't do. But my body knows, if I can just figure out how to get quiet and listen to i.
So inspiring, Satya - many thanks, as always, for your honesty and forthrightness. I struggle with the should-I-shouldn't-I debate (my parts arguing with each other) every time a cool-looking training lands in my in-box .... which unfortunately happens about 20 times a day. I think I understand a lot of the struggle you went through, and I love the courage/clarity that emerged as you decided to step away from that training. You've empowered me to do the same -- on the front end, before I get entangled or lay any money down. Big thanks!
I totally resonate. This is such an important part of the wellness process, discernment, to help sort out your entanglements. Knowing what you need and what you don’t need and being able to voice it and act upon it.
Hi Vas, a warm welcome! And glad you found things to resonate to. I really love the word discernment - it makes me feel better just knowing that it is possible and that I am allowed to say yes or no.
I’ve spent the last year being patience and gentle with myself around family stuff. It’s been hard, and I don’t really want to keep avoiding holidays because I do love them. But. My body is telling me that even my unknowing about what to do is okay for right now--I don’t need to rush back to them because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t.
I’ve never sat so trustingly in the unknowing before. And slowly, necessary pieces, needed medicine, has been revealing itself to me as I wait.
I want an answer now, like you said. And yet, I can’t rush the process or I risk falling back into the same patterns that brought me here.
Ah, sounds like you've really been able to honour the process Aleesha - which can be SO hard esp with family stuff (for me anyway). Hope you can continue to trust the unknown. Lovely to have you here.
Wonderful article. You articulate the struggle I experienced prior to finding Pure Land. I knew Buddhism was calling but I struggled over and over trying to find the right teaching and teacher. It’s such a full filling moment when you find your spiritual home. It’s like muddy water - - - then everything settles. Love and light to all 🙏🪷
What a powerfully articulated piece this is, Satya, and I'm so moved to think that my first/only book was a small part of how you arrived at this new understanding of what you need - this is exactly what I hoped for it: that in writing the true story of my town-bound and often health-confined life it might give others courage and company for their own journey. And to see that you've also been reading Josie George - someone whose work I also admire - that is a good feeling too. Thank you for tagging me in your post. Tanya xx
Ah Tanya how lovely to have you here - and a 'like' from Josie too - my day is complete! I was excited to find you both here on Substack. We never really know what ripples emanate from our writing/work, do we, and so I'm very happy to have let you know about this particular ripple. So grateful for your presence in the world 🙏🏻
Thank you - I look forward to a meeting of our words 😊 and do let me know if there's anything I can do to support your work/anything we could collaborate on. Sending blessings from a sunny Malvern.
This is great insight - and I will think back on it next time I’m in a conundrum (I’m sure it will be soon lol). I’ve never taken a training, but I have had a similar experience with that teacher. I love how you were so gentle with yourself.
Thanks Lindsey - I don't always manage the gentleness at the time!! And do let your worry parts know that I'll be writing JUST for them over the next month or so - hopefully they'll come along! Blessings from here x
You are so welcome 🙏 it’s always a joy to tease through these things with dear friends. And to witness you coming into your ‘knowing’ of what is right ❤️
My unwanted family member, MS, rules the roost in my home. I liked to think that I was, but I get reminders, just as I think things are going well, that I’m getting just a bit ‘too big for my boots’. I have just had a birthday weekend, with attendant ‘festivities’ which would be considered low key on most peoples’ radars. Spread out over a few days so as to keep the evil Fatigue part of its character at bay. A brunch out with a girlfriend; a longer day out with swanky lunch with my partner; an hour at the pub on Sunday with a few village friends. Alcohol at a minimum & timings balanced with rests. I have one more lunch outing planned this week with 2 girlfriends. But Fatigue has crept out from under the bedcovers and is saying ‘I don’t think so’. The all too familiar leaden feeling is seeping through my body, telling me to ‘hold my horses’.
I’ll have to listen or it’ll make it worse. Especially when it employs another unpopular family member, Anxiety. I have important things to do next week that I really can’t cancel & it knows that. I can hear it laughing as I type.
My strategy for fighting them off, whenever they come knocking, employs many of your proposals. I generally win half the time & am grateful for that. I am very lucky to have the invites at all. These fights apply to everyday life, as well as the high days and holidays
And knowing that at least half of my ‘attackers’ are self-generated makes my battling so so tiresome.
Admire the way you're negotiating this Caroline, and glad you at least managed the swanky lunch & pub. I don't think you're alone in half your attackers being self-generated. Sometimes I wonder if, for me, it's near 100%!! Thanks for sharing.
Tell me: What small or large things are you entangled in at the moment? How much do you know about the polarised forces pushing you forwards or pulling you back? What are you most afraid of? What do you most hope for? How might you use my list above to go more gently?
Dear Satya, I want to thank you so much for sharing the work of Josie George a few weeks back, and then Tanya Shadrick also. I've since read both their memoirs and am so stunned by them both, and by how much they resonate, that I feel slightly dizzy, Closing the books is like coming out of a spell, but one where I'm brought more fully back to myself. What a gift, thank you!
And I continue to be so moved by your work. The wrong medicine is a great phrase for your dilemma here. And I don't know what magic is at work here, but your posts so often nail EXACTLY something I'm sitting with or noticing. Your writing and your helpful prompts are like a balm then.
In answer to your invitation: I'm currently struggling with what is really a delicious problem to have, but my body is having problems containing! I recently decided to take an unpaid sabbatical, to focus on my writing and my dharma practice. My writing has been lit up by a book & course run by Cathy Rentzenbrink, another kindred spirit (if you don't know her, I think you'd love her). And oh my goodness, I can't stop. The writing is streaming out of me. Honestly, in 50-odd years of trying to engage in a healthy way with my writing practice, it has never been like this. And also - I've just come across a job, that is probably mine if I want it. It feels just a bit too soon. There are polarised forces pushing me towards the financial security and oh, the shiny! The status etc etc etc etc (it's in academia, it's a subject very meaningful to me - it's about stories! And mental health!) And also, just as strongly this time, the forces pushing me towards my own creative practice. How much do I absolutely refuse to abandon that again, because of overwork and exhaustion?! Is this just one of those times where you make a creative decision and then life throws you a great big bauble to test your faith, you warrior spirit?!
I want this resolved, now. My body is fizzing. And your questions are helping me to take deep breaths, to get more information, to slow down. And to listen to all the parts of me that want both things. Might I be able to do both, without it destroying me or (more likely) my connection with my own creativity? Without giving up my own naps on Sunday afternoons and time at dusk to stitch things, slowly? I need to breeeaaathe with your questions some more.
Thank you!! As ever, your writing has found me just when I needed it.
Here's to 'gentle deepenings rather than energy-intensive expandings' (YES!)
XXXX
Joy - I'm so happy to read this - the only thing better than finding an amazing new writer is introducing them to others! And how wonderful about your writing. I hope you can find the way forwards with the job - I recognise that powerful pull towards & away very well. So very lovely to have you here & clinking glasses with you - to gentle deepenings : )
Just to say thank you. This spoke deeply to me. I have no words to share, because they are deep, yet I just want to say THANK YOU.
THANK YOU
Bowing back 🙏🏻
That’s so interesting Satya, I considered doing the same course, but decided early on I really couldn’t justify taking on any more commitments. Plus it didn’t really sound like it would be a good fit for me, although I was drawn to the content. I’m really curious about your experience but realise it’s none of my business. I shall just have to wonder
You can ask questions! I hear it won't be run in the same way next year, and so maybe you could give it a try. I'm sure lots of people find it wonderful. Different strokes for different folks!
Thanks Satya!
This is the part of your experience I’m curious about:
“I discussed it with a fellow course participant, and there was commonality in our experience of the community that has formed around the teacher. We guessed at the shadow - something about the teachings that led to a surfeit of chaos, and to a disconnection from what is ordinary, tangible and reliable. I didn’t feel oriented, inspired, or safe”
I’m wondering what it was about the teachings that facilitated (or encouraged maybe?) that disconnect from the tangible? In one of the online things I’m involved in there’s a lot of philosophical abstracting that I find hard to relate to. I enjoy the mind play, but I struggle to see how I can “apply” it. I tend to be a literal person and I think I need something more solid and tangible, but other participants seem to thrive on the same sort of discourses! Not sure if that is relevant to your experience!
By the by, I just received a copy of Zen Encounters With Loneliness in the mail and was chuffed to see your endorsement on the back cover!
I found EXACTLY what you described - how does this actually help me to live my day to day life? It didn't. There were lots of good things that maybe should have helped to facilitate this and it did emotion was being felt/processed, but somehow it wasn't helping me to be kinder towards myself or others, Which is one of my touchstones. Sorry I can't be clearer about it, it all feels quite fuzzy - definitely unconscious material for me and probably also for the course leaders. Thank you for the question - helpful. And ooh Terry is a good friend and that book is one of my all time favourites. I hope you enjoy! 🙏🏻
Asking the question meant I had clarify the reasons for my own discomfort! It’s something that’s actually bothered me for a while…I’ve been hanging in there in the particular online space because I definitely DO see value and it’s a rich environment with people I respect and admire, and lots of food for thought, but I do wonder sometimes if it’s worth persevering.
I should add that in addition to my need for something more tangible, there’s also a whole lot of internal dialogue going on: “you’re not as smart as these other people”, “you don’t fit in” “people don’t like you”. Gawd…it’s actually a bit of a mess in there 😵💫
I do wonder if that kind of space we're talking about actually makes those thoughts more likely. A model of highly intellectual folk being the ones 'in power' (whether or not they actually say they are) and a possible denial of powerlessness/ordariness... Just riffing but I recognise some of what you're saying too and I'm not usually prone to that kind of thing. I do think it has a lot to do with maleness too......
Hmm…interesting, I shall have to ponder on that
I’m in an entanglement that pulls at the threads of childhood trauma and a recent eating disorder trauma, so it feels more like a war zone than an argument in my body. My 4-year-old is PDA autistic and her PDA is impacting her toileting behaviors. She’s withholding, and her withholding behavior doesn’t follow the usual pattern of withholding in children, and conventional approaches to the issue tend to make the situation worse.
Because the well-being of my child is at stake, my anxiety is constantly swirling around the issue. It is complex enough to require professional support, but unique enough to require us to chart our own path, applying some recommendations, rejecting others. Because the crux of the issue lies in the body of my child--*she* needs to arrive at a place where she feels safe to poop, I can’t arrive there for her--it really requires a posture of letting go, letting her lead. You realize how little you understand the intricacies of your child’s nervous system. How even though you birthed her and have spent every day by her side, she contains mysteries. My brain wants an expert on children to tell me exactly what to do. But my body knows the only expert here is my child, and I need to learn from her.
But the trauma from my own childhood--all I learned about what’s allowed and what’s not allowed when I was 4--is recoiling at every movement.
This has turned into a bit of a brain dump, but the steps you name at the end of this piece are illuminating and clarifying without oversimplifying. They can provide a sort of anchor even when the argument develops into an all out war. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing Shaina - I'm so glad you liked the steps. It does sound intricately complicated - how lucky your 4-year-old is to have a parent who's taking such care with her - attempting to understand, not jumping to conclusions, trying different things... wishing you well on your onward journey with it (and with your own young parts). 💚
I sign up for all sorts of training, both at work and in my own time. Sometimes I have the courage to stop attending, other times I feel like I’ll be missing out on “the answer” I’ve been looking for, or some secret that only I don’t know.
I love the idea of noticing when we’re trying to educate ourselves out of vulnerability. You put it so perfectly. I get this grasping feeling inside me, where I feel like I’m grabbing at anything which might help, but actually I already have the answers.
The trouble is, I don’t necessarily like the answers because they involve patience and going deeper (rather than wider).
Yes, that grasping feeling is the key I think... and maybe there's nothing wrong with grasping in itself, but good for us to know what we're hoping for/the acknowledge we might not get it! And yes to not wanting to go deeper... (for me) where the scary things might be! Thanks for sharing Gemma 🙏🏻
I love the idea of being patient with the dithering...acknowledging it as part of the process. I'm trying more and more to listen to my body, which seems to know best what is and isn't right for me. My mind can come up with all types of interesting stories about what I should and shouldn't do. But my body knows, if I can just figure out how to get quiet and listen to i.
Yes, amazing how the body knows!
So inspiring, Satya - many thanks, as always, for your honesty and forthrightness. I struggle with the should-I-shouldn't-I debate (my parts arguing with each other) every time a cool-looking training lands in my in-box .... which unfortunately happens about 20 times a day. I think I understand a lot of the struggle you went through, and I love the courage/clarity that emerged as you decided to step away from that training. You've empowered me to do the same -- on the front end, before I get entangled or lay any money down. Big thanks!
I'm glad! And nothing wrong with big-money training - my IFS training was the best thing I ever did - but we can't do it all....... love to you x
❤️
I totally resonate. This is such an important part of the wellness process, discernment, to help sort out your entanglements. Knowing what you need and what you don’t need and being able to voice it and act upon it.
Hi Vas, a warm welcome! And glad you found things to resonate to. I really love the word discernment - it makes me feel better just knowing that it is possible and that I am allowed to say yes or no.
I agree!!!
I’ve spent the last year being patience and gentle with myself around family stuff. It’s been hard, and I don’t really want to keep avoiding holidays because I do love them. But. My body is telling me that even my unknowing about what to do is okay for right now--I don’t need to rush back to them because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t.
I’ve never sat so trustingly in the unknowing before. And slowly, necessary pieces, needed medicine, has been revealing itself to me as I wait.
I want an answer now, like you said. And yet, I can’t rush the process or I risk falling back into the same patterns that brought me here.
Thanks for sharing this today ❤️
Ah, sounds like you've really been able to honour the process Aleesha - which can be SO hard esp with family stuff (for me anyway). Hope you can continue to trust the unknown. Lovely to have you here.
Wonderful article. You articulate the struggle I experienced prior to finding Pure Land. I knew Buddhism was calling but I struggled over and over trying to find the right teaching and teacher. It’s such a full filling moment when you find your spiritual home. It’s like muddy water - - - then everything settles. Love and light to all 🙏🪷
Hurray for Pure Land 😊🙏🏻
What a powerfully articulated piece this is, Satya, and I'm so moved to think that my first/only book was a small part of how you arrived at this new understanding of what you need - this is exactly what I hoped for it: that in writing the true story of my town-bound and often health-confined life it might give others courage and company for their own journey. And to see that you've also been reading Josie George - someone whose work I also admire - that is a good feeling too. Thank you for tagging me in your post. Tanya xx
Ah Tanya how lovely to have you here - and a 'like' from Josie too - my day is complete! I was excited to find you both here on Substack. We never really know what ripples emanate from our writing/work, do we, and so I'm very happy to have let you know about this particular ripple. So grateful for your presence in the world 🙏🏻
and I'm going to follow your writing on here with interest in turn. A good online day! xx
Thank you - I look forward to a meeting of our words 😊 and do let me know if there's anything I can do to support your work/anything we could collaborate on. Sending blessings from a sunny Malvern.
This is great insight - and I will think back on it next time I’m in a conundrum (I’m sure it will be soon lol). I’ve never taken a training, but I have had a similar experience with that teacher. I love how you were so gentle with yourself.
And my worry parts always show up 😅
Thanks Lindsey - I don't always manage the gentleness at the time!! And do let your worry parts know that I'll be writing JUST for them over the next month or so - hopefully they'll come along! Blessings from here x
You are so welcome 🙏 it’s always a joy to tease through these things with dear friends. And to witness you coming into your ‘knowing’ of what is right ❤️
I got there in the end 😉💚💚
My unwanted family member, MS, rules the roost in my home. I liked to think that I was, but I get reminders, just as I think things are going well, that I’m getting just a bit ‘too big for my boots’. I have just had a birthday weekend, with attendant ‘festivities’ which would be considered low key on most peoples’ radars. Spread out over a few days so as to keep the evil Fatigue part of its character at bay. A brunch out with a girlfriend; a longer day out with swanky lunch with my partner; an hour at the pub on Sunday with a few village friends. Alcohol at a minimum & timings balanced with rests. I have one more lunch outing planned this week with 2 girlfriends. But Fatigue has crept out from under the bedcovers and is saying ‘I don’t think so’. The all too familiar leaden feeling is seeping through my body, telling me to ‘hold my horses’.
I’ll have to listen or it’ll make it worse. Especially when it employs another unpopular family member, Anxiety. I have important things to do next week that I really can’t cancel & it knows that. I can hear it laughing as I type.
My strategy for fighting them off, whenever they come knocking, employs many of your proposals. I generally win half the time & am grateful for that. I am very lucky to have the invites at all. These fights apply to everyday life, as well as the high days and holidays
And knowing that at least half of my ‘attackers’ are self-generated makes my battling so so tiresome.
Admire the way you're negotiating this Caroline, and glad you at least managed the swanky lunch & pub. I don't think you're alone in half your attackers being self-generated. Sometimes I wonder if, for me, it's near 100%!! Thanks for sharing.
Tell me: What small or large things are you entangled in at the moment? How much do you know about the polarised forces pushing you forwards or pulling you back? What are you most afraid of? What do you most hope for? How might you use my list above to go more gently?