The X-Ray Glasses That Changed My Life
& how looking through the frame of Internal Family Systems might change your life too...
Hello! If you haven’t met me yet I’m Satya - psychotherapist, Pure Land Buddhist minister, dog servant & expensive chocolate fangirl. If you’d like to see my glittery jumper, pop straight over to my half-hour instructional video, An Introduction to Internal Family Systems. Read on to hear about my initial huge reluctance to learn IFS, about how I use it all the time to see inside myself and others (but not in a creepy way), and about why it’s the best paradigm-shifting knowledge I’ve ever come across. ⭐
I was in a horrible muddle.
I had impulsively signed up to do an Internal Family Systems therapy training, at great expense. I had huge reservations. Contradictory thoughts buffeted me: the course was a rip-off. It would be the best thing I’d ever done. IFS was a weird cult. It would heal me completely. IFS was totally incompatible with the Buddhist philosophy that was the ground under my feet. At the last minute, I reared up like a frightened horse and cancelled my place - losing a substantial non-refundable deposit.
I still don’t know exactly why I got myself into such a tangle. I think parts of me intuited that this philosophy might transform me in a way that I have very rarely been transformed before - the kind of restructured-from-the-foundations-up change that comes from life events like having a child, getting sober, falling in love.
At the even-later last minute, I re-joined the course and I went away to Sheffield and I did it. My intuition had been right - IFS did change everything. It was bloody amazing.
I had first encountered Internal Family Systems years before in a book about self-compassion. The premise seemed simple - that we all consist of different parts, and that these parts of us have relationships with each other, much as family members do (hence the name).
This might not seem new to most of us. We instinctively speak about ourselves as being multiple. We might say, “a part of me wants to get this essay finished and another part wants to go to the pub”, or we might be aware of ongoing internal dialogues (or fierce arguments!) between different parts: ‘overeat vs. restrict’, ‘strive vs. rest’, ‘be honest about my needs vs. avoid rejection at all costs’.
What differentiated IFS from the other models-of-mind I knew about was its philosophical underpinnings. Richard Schwartz, who developed the model over several decades, became more and more convinced of these fundamental facts:
⭐ Every single part of us, no matter how much harm it causes to us or to others, is trying its best to protect us and to keep our systems stable. It will have only good intentions for us.
⭐ There is always a good and rational reason for our behaviour from the perspective of the parts of us that are involved, once we understand them.
⭐ We all carry wounding (mostly from when we were very young), and much of our energy goes into exiling and/or protecting the young parts of us that carry these wounds.
⭐ There is something inside us that is not a part - known in IFS language as ‘Self’ - which naturally exhibits the qualities of compassion, creativity and clarity. When we access Self energy, we are naturally wise and caring and we are instinctively good leaders for all our parts.
⭐ Everyone is born with an infinite resource of Self energy, and nothing that happens to us changes that - it just gets hidden like the sun behind clouds.
⭐ Healing is always possible, and it is possible to heal our exiled parts in a gentle, permission-based way. When we do this healing, Self energy is released. With help we can let go of our long-held burdens, relax, and get on with enjoying life.
How do these principles, which I have (so far) found to be true in my own system and in the systems of all those I’ve worked with, actually help me in my daily life?
🌞 Forgiveness. When parts of me cause damage to me or to others, I am more able to forgive myself now, because I know that these parts of me are doing the only thing they know how to do because they feel they must do it. I trust that they have a good reason for doing what they’re doing, even if I don’t know what those reasons are yet, and that if I can get to know them I can help them to do something different. An example would be poisonously self-critical parts who believe that the only way they can protect us from being shamed by others is to ‘whip us into shape’ by telling us off. I am more able to understand and forgive the ‘bad behaviour’ of others too.
🌞 Inclusivity. I make more space for the different voices inside me, and find that they are all valuable. I know more about how to facilitate good discussions inside me (ones that don’t lead to food fights).
🌞 Respect. IFS has shown me how important it is to get permission from ALL our parts before we venture into doing any internal work with ourselves or with others. This means that deeply vulnerable and intimate work can feel gentle and totally safe.
🌞 Refuge. My knowledge of the immaculacy of Self - both inside of us and outside of us - is something I can rest on and take refuge in, and something that fits perfectly with my Buddhist beliefs.
🌞 Fun! I delight in working with IFS - inside me and inside my clients. It often leads us into wildly imaginative landscapes and it often feels playful and magical.
IFS are my x-ray glasses into a different world, and they help EVERYTHING make more sense.
A proviso. IFS isn’t a magic fix (sorry). Even with the benefits of IFS we still suffer, the world still throws challenges at us, and change can still be glacially slow. Sometimes I talk about IFS as like being a new surgical tool. This tool has levelled up my ability to help people (and myself) heal. And, sometimes the wounding is very old and very deep, and even my shiny new tool is no match for the size of the hurt. Sometimes the suffering must be witnessed (with the patient compassion of Self) for a very long time before change is possible. I believe that healing is always possible in the very-long-run, and I am also realistic. We are limited beings.
In the meantime, and in the midst of this messy and unpredictable world (both inside and outside), IFS holds me steady. I am so grateful for that.
Is your appetite for knowing more whetted yet? Would you like to start getting to know your own parts and helping them to find more harmony, relaxation and joy?
If so - here’s my first half hour introduction to IFS video (usually only for paid subscribers but this one is free). If you’d rather read something first or instead, here’s my introductory essay with puppies. These concepts can take a while to land - it’s a bit like learning to drive a car. Try them out and see how they fit with your experience. If you have skeptical parts, I welcome them. And if you have any questions at all, ask me!
*offering you your own pair of IFS x-ray glasses, should you wish to try them on*
Go gently,
Satya <3
Every time I read one of your posts on IFS I can feel myself getting pulled further towards it and I have to keep reminding myself of the mountain of CPD I already don’t have time to do!
I’m curious how long it will be before I can’t resist any more and five in anyway. The part of me that loves learning is strong 💪 😆
It’s so interesting to read your breakdown of how IFS helps in your daily life. My partner has been exploring IFS with her counsellor in recent months and we’re both fascinated by it. From the outside, I can already see huge shifts in how she responds to life long and repeated wounds. It really is like having x-Ray specs.
I’m curious if you think the forgiveness and inclusivity also apply to people outside ourselves? Do you think it’s easier to understand other people’s seemingly irrational or harmful behaviour when you also understand that all their parts are trying to self-protect too?