What Happens When A Dream Comes True

On (finally!) moving into our new home

Last February, I birthed a glittering dream.

The New Dream House

My dream was to move out of our Buddhist community and into a place of our own - just me, Kaspa and our two little dogs.

When I fantasised about this new space, I always saw it as being circled by green. After months of looking we got a buyer for our little rented-out house and we also found our perfect new home. We waited for our sale to go through. And waited. And waited. Seven rollercoaster months later, the whole deal fell apart and our ‘perfect new home’ was sold to someone else.

A month later, in February this year, we put our house on the market again. It sold for the asking price in seven weeks flat. We also spent half an hour looking round a quirky house with a vast dining room and a toilet in a corridor. The garden was so big, I couldn’t parse it. It had crazy wallpaper and furniture that wasn’t to our taste, and the rooms seemed dark, but the layout worked well for our therapy practices (two decent sized offices) and so we made an offer. It was accepted.

Seventeen days ago, we moved in.

Our new pond Buddha, keeping a benevolent eye on the fishies

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of cleaning the backs of cupboards, unpacking boxes, building flatpack furniture and trips to Argos and to the tip. More crucially, I finally stepped over the line from ‘having a dream’ to ‘having a dream come true’.

I feel emotional as I write this: this place has exceeded my expectations in so many ways. To give you a taste, here are a few of the gifts it’s offered us so far.

FISH! We unexpectedly inherited a family of fish in the big pond, plus a newt who I just watched sunning himself under water. They are shy and I am getting to know them slowly - at least three big white and gold ones, a smaller brown one, and dozens of little sticklebacks who nibble delicately away at the algae. When I gaze into the water I slip into the fifth jnana¹ (infinite space).

TREES! There are three large and magnificent trees in our garden - a Copper Beech, a Swedish Whitebeam and a Liquidambar. The beech has been talking to me since we moved in. It mostly says ‘shhhhh…’ which I have interpreted as, ‘slow down, my love. Don’t forget to look at my gorgeous burgundy leaves’.

LIT-UP SHELVES! In the dining room are two big glass cabinets with a secret switch. When we click it - oooh! - they all light up as if we are an art gallery. We have filled them with random objects we’ve gathered over the years - a big glossy globe made of wood, my Lladro nuns, glass paperweights, a painted wooden tiger…

So, with all these blessings showering upon me, am I perfectly happy now?

Well….

One of our stunning hydrangea - a little thirsty after this last spell of endless sun

I don’t want to admit this, but - it has been hard.

There have been problems to solve; a broken patio door, no garden gate to keep the dogs in, electrical issues, an falling-down front fence, three absent sink plugs...

We have been a little overwhelmed at the size of the space, and by how much maintenance work it will take to keep it ship-shape. Am I physically strong enough? Will weeding take up all my writing time? Can I keep the big kitchen clean?

I have felt unworthy of the space. In these days of climate emergency, can I justify an air fryer and a microwave and a dishwasher? How can I live in a place with so much space, when our neighbours and their three sweet girls (I hear them laughing) live somewhere much smaller? This place is so unbelievably beautiful - how could I possibly deserve it?

Worst of all, I have brought myself with me. I’ve been deploying my usual favourite strategy to deal with stress: taking on too much, driving myself past my limits and then drooping with exhaustion and prickling with resentment. I have had a few meltdowns. I have been slapdash with the decorating and have made impulsive (and silly) decisions about some of our purchases². This morning I had a Buddhist conference paper to write and I felt hesitant, amateur, inadequate.

We are tired. Kaspa and I are getting into silly squabbles. I don’t really know who I am any more. And where did I put my phone again?

Ralph enjoying the sun

What does all that mean when it comes to dreams? Was it foolish to have a dream in the first place? Did I overestimate the impact a change in surroundings would have on my life? Am I any happier than I was before?

Let me be clear. I am grateful for every single day I get to spend in this paradisiacal space, circled by green.

And, life contains dukkha - dissatisfaction, disappointment, little and vast griefs.

I am who I am - hobbled, occasionally flailing, peppered with blind spots and salted with wistfulness.

The world is what it is - violent, unpredictable, ailing, sliding towards chaos.

I painted the dining room by myself, and I am proud. I have worked damned hard over the past couple of weeks, and I am proud. Over time I am getting better at easing up on myself - even if infinitesimally - and I am proud. I’m not so bad.

And mixed in with the violence, just when I think the world has shown me all the beauty it can, it shows me more. The blush on an apple bobbing on next door’s tall tree. A scruffy young dunnock, sun-bathing by the pond, stretching out one wing and then the other to allow the heat to soak into every feather. The soft hair on my dog’s soft belly.

Dukkha plus sweetness. Tangledness plus detachment. Conflict plus oases of peace.

There is so much sweetness here. I can’t wait to tell you about it.

Love, Satya <3

(Here’s the view from my new office. I wish you could come and sit in my green chair for a while and enjoy it. I will enjoy it for you, and keep channeling it into these words, which are sent - as always - with love.)

Tell me: Have any of your dreams come true? How was it? What did you learn? What dreams are you still incubating? What dreams might be waiting for you, just around the next corner?

---

1. Sometimes I can’t manage to read intelligent things and I relax (like a hot bath) into cosy mysteries. I’m currently working my way through the Fethering series by Simon Brett - only three of his twenty one books to go. I want to be like cool Jude but I fear that I’m often more like uptight Carole. I’d love to hear your easy-reading recommendations to leaven the spiritual/psychological/philosophical reading I also love to do.

2. I have been using the Merlin app to get to know the birds in our new garden. I test myself to see if I can identify the bird before Merlin does. Yesterday we had a first visitor to the bird feeder we hung a few days ago. A Great Spotted Woodpecker! Woop woop!! (Since then, nothing. I must be patient.)

Image via Getty

3. I could read this poem every day of my life and it would still wake me up a little bit more every time. Thank you thank you thank you, Mary Oliver.

   

   

   ---

   Satya Robyn is a writer, psychotherapist & Buddhist teacher. She co-founded the Bright Earth temple, has written ten books, and takes part in eco-activism. She lives happily in Malvern Wells in the UK with her spouse Kaspa & her two little dogs.

   If you’d like to receive regular love letters from Satya but you can’t afford a paid subscription right now, read more about low cost subscriptions here.

1. Not really. I am a Pure Land Buddhist and don’t meditate very much at all. Also, maybe this does count!

2. A gigantic fur beanbag! Almost as big as the sofa! (I’m taking it back today.)