The Secret Sauce to Improving Relationships

Are you really as good a listener as you think?

If you’re interested in joining me for a Zoom workshop on Listening Well using Internal Family Systems (Saturday 16th March, 4pm UK time/11am EDT) there are still a few tickets left - more details & book here.

Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk

If I’m honest, it’s a common experience for me that people don’t listen to me very well. I often don’t listen to others properly either. When did you last notice that someone wasn’t listening to you? Maybe there was a slight glazing of your listener’s eyes, or they were impatient to have their turn at talking. Maybe you noticed their agenda - that you do something particular, or that you just agree with them despite your own (different) experience.

It’s really hard to listen well! We strongly disagree with what the other person is saying, or our attention drifts to our own painful tangles, or we feel frustrated with them, or we’re desperate to stop them from hurting, or we want them to stop talking on and on at us and listen to us for a change… With all that in mind, why is it worth making efforts to improve? How might becoming a better listener bring treasures to us, to our relationships and to the world?

If you are listening to someone you want a better or closer relationship with, like a friend or an admired colleague, then good listening will strengthen your connection. As I said, I think it’s rare that we hear each other properly. This means that being listened to well, even if it’s just for short periods of time, is a precious experience for people. When we can offer this, the other person is likely to feel cared for, and that we ‘get them’. They will feel grateful towards us, and when they’ve been properly heard they’re more likely to be able to offer us some good listening in return.

If you are listening to someone tricky, like a disgruntled customer or a challenging family member, good listening will calm them down more quickly and they’ll hopefully take up less of your time! It might also help us to make sense of what’s going on for the other person, and so we’ll naturally feel more empathy, patience and understanding. Note - good listening in these circumstances is an advanced skill 😬

Listening well is also an offering to the world. I find that listening properly is the best way of defusing conflict or difficulty, and it increases harmony in teams, groups and communities. More skilled listening in challenging circumstances (alongside appropriate boundaries - we always need to remember these) leads to more forgiveness, understanding, kindness and peace. What’s not to like?

Look at those tufty ears… Photo by Chan Swan

So – how do we actually become better listeners? I’ll say more in my workshop, but here’s a taste of how you can diagnose your own listening limits and improve your listening expertise.

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model proposes that we all have various parts, and that these parts of us all have different jobs for us – managing our days, numbing us out by reaching for chocolate or wine, criticizing us to try and protect us from the judgement of others etc.

There is also something inside us that is NOT a part. This is called ‘Self’ in IFS language, and it is characterized by the qualities of steadiness, compassion and curiosity. When Self is in the driving seat, we can cope with intense emotion without being overwhelmed. We are patient, and we feel for the other person without needing to rescue them or solve their problems. Self is an excellent listener.

When you are listening, there are two main ways to tell whether Self is in charge or a part of you is in charge.

⭐ The first is to check and see whether you feel genuinely curious or kindly towards the person you’re listening to. Self exhibits the qualities of curiosity, calm, compassion, courage, creativity, clarity, connection and confidence. If none of these qualities are present, then your parts are probably obscuring Self.

⭐ The second is to check whether you have a strong need for the person you’re listening to change, or to agree with something you’re saying. If you do, then you’re probably listening from a part. Self doesn’t have an agenda - other than the offering of compassion.

A couple of examples. When we find ourselves wanting to shrink away from a colleague’s distress about a recent bereavement, it is a part of us that has been triggered – curiosity or calm is not present, and so we’re not listening from Self.

When we listen to a friend talking about their work and we think ‘they should really leave their job’, this is our agenda, and so we are listening from a part of ourselves – not Self.

Of course it’s natural that we’ll have opinions about what someone should or shouldn’t do (and we may often be right). Of course and we’ll find certain things they talk about difficult to listen to. This is why good listening is so goddamn hard to do! The idea is that we pause these impulses until after the listening - that we listen really well first. We might ask afterwards if the other person wants some advice. We might need to manage listening to someone in deep distress by looking after ourselves afterwards, or even by letting them know that we’re finding it hard to listen. These things are about our helping our own parts out - they are not about listening from Self.

How can you tell whether you’re listening to someone from Self or not? What parts of you tend to step in and get in the way? Impatient parts? Advice-giving parts? Sometimes it might be disgusted or judging parts? We all have our favourites…

More ears… photo by Matteo Galeazzi

So – once we’ve clocked that we’re listening-from-parts, how do we move towards listening-from-Self?

1. The most important bit is that we notice that there are parts of us getting in the way of listening. Noticing when we’re not listening well is most of the battle.

2. See if that part of us is willing to step out of the way for the duration of your listening. If it’s reluctant for some reason, you can either just accept that you’re not going to be the best listener right now, or (if appropriate) let the person you’re listening to know that you are distracted for some reason and that maybe you could do a better job of being present another time.

3. Check and see if curiosity or compassion is present. If so, great. If not, return to step 2.

You can support this process by getting to know your listening-limiting parts outside of listening situations. After listening, you can reflect on what parts of you were present and getting in the way. Which ones regularly turn up? Why do they feel like they need to be there? Maybe they’re worried you’ll never get away from the person you’re listening to. Maybe they are telling you you’re too tired to listen properly today, or to ‘take something on’. Maybe they don’t want you to change your mind about something. How could you support them to trust that Self can do the listening without them?

If you get stuck or if you want to explore more you can try my CLEAR check-in technique, here and below.

There are two last things I’d like to say. Firstly, I think it’s really important that we are realistic about our particular temperament, our current capacity and our energy levels when we approach listening well. Boundary-setting and acknowledging our limits is a crucial part of being a good listener.

Finally, let’s aim towards going gently on ourselves. As I said, being listened to really well is a rare and precious thing because it’s not easy to do. Most of us do a good-enough job of listening most of the time, and that’s fine! I’m hoping that you’ll pick up the suggestions of this piece in the spirit of curiosity and play, rather than self-judgement and perfectionism.

When you feel bad about not being a better listener, or disappointment or grief at not being listened to with more care, maybe check in with the sky, the fields, or the sea. Check in with your dog or your soft blanket or your books or your bike. Check in with the endless glittering compassion that is deep inside you, everyone, and everything else.

I am listening. Dear Earth is listening. We are all doing our best. The love is always there, brimming, just underneath.

Go gently,
Satya <3

🦚 🦚 🦚

The link for the listening course I’m running this Saturday coming (16th of March, 4pm UK time 11am EDT) is here. I have a self-study course on IFS - details here.