Three Reasons to Go More Gently
A snail-trail path to deliciousness
Do you ever push yourself too hard & suffer the consequences? This is just for you 🐌
Surely the last thing our troubled world needs right now is more gentleness?
The world is desperate for our courage, our clarity and (most of all) our grounded, unwavering love. That includes our own dear bruised and battered bodies and souls. I believe that the fastest way for us to get closer to those qualities is by moving like a snail - slowly. Let me tell you why…
First, a short introduction. Who am I to offer advice? I’m a long-time psychotherapist and Buddhist teacher, and I’ve written a dozen books, but what does any of that have to do with living gently?
My real expertise is that I’ve spent decades pushing myself too hard, and everso slowly (I’m a slow learner!) getting better at easing up. I’ve experienced the downside of striving in the cytoplasm of my own cells. I see the damage caused by striving all around me, both on a systemic level (yes - capitalism, yes - systems of oppression, yes - individualism) and on a very personal burnt-out not-enjoying-life level. I’ve also tasted the deliciousness of a more easeful way of life, and have seen how this ease can lead to greater wellbeing and better activism.
If you need more convincing, or as a way of affirming the experience you have in your own bones, here are my three reasons why we should go more gently. I’ll finish with some ideas to help you find more sweet release.
🐌 Pushing doesn’t work.
Well okay, it kinda does in some ways. Striving helped me to get all my books written alongside all the other things I do. I’m sure most top athletes and successful businesspeople strive big time. Also, when there’s an emergency, gentleness is not the way - we just need to step up and do what needs doing.
What I mean is that pushing is a kind of cheating, and that there is always a pay-off. Another way of saying this is: karma. This works on a very small scale. When I’m doing therapy, and we push past my client’s self-protection to get to some vulnerability, there is always a back-lash. I often use the metaphor of it being sensible to befriend the bouncers on the door, rather than shoving our way past them and so getting beaten up round the back. This also works on a huge scale. Our (Western) greed for short-term pleasure and convenience has pushed our planet past its limits, and we are already paying the price.
What about those who ‘get away with it’? I can’t help but imagine male billionaires at this point, but you can also think of anyone who pushes themselves beyond what is kind. It is true that these folk might not reap the consequences of their pushing in this life-time - they might just die of a heart attack at a decent age. Even so, I fear that their pushing sends out negative ripples to their loved ones, to those they exploit, and to the environment. When we push against moving at a natural pace, nature pushes back.
🐌 Pushing hurts us.
For me there is a difference between the kind of tension that builds in our bodies when we’re on the starting blocks, ready to leap into action, and the kind that squeezes and squeezes us all day long without release. The latter is how pushing myself affects me. I feel it crunching in my neck and back, and I become more susceptible to viruses. I also feel it in my spirit - as an intense weariness, a foggy sadness or a heavy despair.
Back to our billionaires. Does pushing really hurt them? Maybe not. And, I’m remembering all the biographies I’ve read of highly successful people - people who have driven themselves as if they were whipping a horse. Often, they need to whip themselves so viciously because they don’t feel ‘enough’ in the first place, and they think they need to be different in order to be loved. Often, their riches or fame don’t bring them what they hoped for.
How has your pushing worked out for you?
🐌 Going gently is a gift to others.
If we are strung so tightly that our wires tremble, we will transmit this tension to those around us. We will find it difficult to be patient, as there just isn’t any ‘give’ in us. We will be focussed on self-protection and (understandably) funnelling our energy into getting through the day.
If we can be gentle with ourselves, respecting our limits and resting when we need to, we will be more able to pick someone else’s litter up in the park, or pause to hold the door for that elderly chap struggling with his bags. We will have the energy to consider what we might offer back. We will be more grateful for the simple, wonderful blessings all around us (the glorious orange of that blackbird’s beak! my hot mug of steaming tea!) and this settled happiness will also be contagious. We will have more access to the qualities of Self, the brilliance behind everything: courage, clarity, compassion, curiosity, creativity, connectedness, calm and confidence.
As I said earlier, the world needs us to inhabit these qualities more than ever.
Why don’t we go more gently already?
This is an excellent question to ask ourselves and I could probably write a whole book about it. For myself, whenever I push I can always trace it back, eventually, to fear. If I say yes to someone’s request even though I’m out of juice, it’s because I’m afraid of upsetting them and ultimately of being rejected and of being alone. When I work for longer than I should it’s because I’m afraid of not having enough money, or afraid of being a failure.
The pushing parts of us always have good reasons for doing their thing. They may not actually be helping us, but when we understand more about them, their internal logic will make sense. I would urge you to be kind to your pushing parts - partly because pushing them is the opposite of what we’re aiming for here, and partly because they are suffering and they would appreciate your caring attention.
I would love to keep writing. I have been lucky enough to have been given so many things that help me. I want to tell you about them all! But that’s why I write this newsletter every week - there will always be more to say.
For now I will leave you with a few suggestions for further exploration below, and a sneak preview of my invitation to make two gentle vows for 2025. I’m hoping you might join me on that adventure in gentle change, which will start on the 27th of December.
In the meantime, wishing you the softness of a kitten’s belly. Purrrrrrrrrr.
Go gently,
Satya <3
PS if you know someone who is an excellent pusher (bravo to them) and could maybe do with a teensy bit more gentleness to go alongside, do forward them this piece 🐌
🐌 Further explorations
Here are three of my most popular pieces (& subscribe below).
8 Things I’ve Learnt About Going Gently
The Going Gently Guide to Success
How to Get Stuff Done (Gently)
I’d also recommend Richard Schwartz’s book No Bad Parts, Tricia Hershey’s work (The Nap Ministry), a short daily spiritual practice, learning from nature, dogs & chocolate. That’s what works for me anyway. Tell me in the comments what works for you.
Very timely and loving article. I’m recovering from lung issues after a pulmonary embolism. A cough that just won’t go away and fatigue which forces me to stop. It’s so frustrating as I have so many projects in my head I’ve been sober since March due to illness then an obvious change of mindset that accompanies going through the dark night of the soul. I’ve just joined an exercise class because I thought damn it. I’m not going to let this beat me. I’m taking it slow. It’s online but with accountability. It’s difficult to know when to let go and let be and when to gently push. I don’t want my body to stagnate but after 8 months of illness, albeit sober illness, I don’t want to atrophy. Thank you for your wise words. Karen 🙏🏻💐
I just connected that my entire recent ephiphany is the name of your newsletter - going gently, living lightly, are peak healingvrse materials - especially if you still have to endure something hard (not just the illness, but lets say seeking fertility on top of that too) - the only way to endure is lightly, esp when things are out fo your control. Glad to have you hear.