We Are Putting Down Roots
Week 1: How to be kind to yourself
Here we are at the beginning of my new course on self-compassion - welcome! To receive the whole course (four pieces like this and four videos) become a paid subscriber. 🤍
We are not kind to ourselves.
We would prefer to have different bodies and brains to the ones we actually have. We expect ourselves to have done better at that thing (and those things). Shame cloaks our tendencies towards selfishness and manipulation, our rapacious greed, our mean-spiritedness. In a million tiny ways, every single day, we fall short of our own expectations.
Even as I am writing this piece to you, I was just stabbed by a sharp disappointment-in-myself. My dog Ralph, a chunky Shih Tzu with some puppyhood trauma, had started barking at noises from the room above my office. A superloud WOOF every forty seconds from the dog bed right next to my desk is not conducive to concentration. I decided to try a different tactic - every time he barked, I spoke to him in a soothing voice, stroked his ears and and calmed his tense, vigilant body.
After the sixth round of barking (or maybe it was only the third) my patience snapped like a frayed cord and I booted him out of my office as he grumbled and growled at me. I tried to return to my writing as Ralph scratched at the door, waiting for my adrenaline to drain away.
This is where we begin. Off the end of the cliff of my patience, at the heart of your worst secret about yourself, buffeted by the buzzing of our many internal voices, telling us exactly why we are so awful.
What is to be done?
I am writing a book on how we can begin to find kindness towards ourselves, and this will join the thousands that have already been written. This course is a butterfly, however, not a PhD, and so together we will find some places where a little light pressure (say, from a red admiral alighting) will ease your self-recrimination just a touch. I have a suggested exercise for you soon but first, here’s a list of what has helped me the most over the years.
(A note: when I say ‘parts of us’ I am using the language of Internal Family Systems which is a way of thinking about what happens inside us. You don’t have to know anything about this system to read my writing, but if you are interested you can read my introduction with puppies here.)
⭐ Notice. Everything begins with noticing. Until we notice how we are speaking to ourselves, the unkind voices inside us are just the air we breathe - we have no conception that is is possible to do it differently. Anthony de Mello and others have proposed that becoming aware of ourselves is actually the only thing that is necessary on the road to freedom. Simple. Not easy, but simple!
⭐ Get honest. Honesty is a constituent of good noticing but it’s a slippery fellow… As we become more aware we can notice our tendency towards telling ourselves stories about ourselves - whether we are talking ourselves up or down. One of the most important things I’ve learnt is how important it is for me to be realistic with myself about who I am and the limits of what I’m capable of.
⭐ Get curious. Curiosity is only possible when we haven’t already decided how things are or how they should be. If we can’t access it, we will just be acting out old patterns (within ourselves, or in relationships) rather than finding fresh paths and insight. We do that most of the time, and that’s okay, but when we can find it, it’s precious - curiosity is good compost and it makes growth and healing possible.
⭐ Trust that all of our parts have good intentions for us. You may not believe me (and that’s okay) but I want to share my experience with you - all the different parts of us, even the ones that are the most horrible to us and to others, are trying to help us. They may not be having a good effect (or, in fact, they might be causing a great deal of harm) but they want to protect us and they don’t know what else to do. Paying attention to the different parts of you with this in mind may change everything.
⭐ Remember the great and insidious power of systemic issues. I tend to speak more about our internal systems, but these are all set in place by the bigger systems we are soaked in as we grow up - familial, cultural, systems of oppression, systems like capitalism and neoliberalism, religious morality like the work ethic and rugged individualism… Now, I am going to whisper this into your ear directly: Do not underestimate the insidious power of the burdens these systems have handed us. Do not underestimate how difficult it is to untangle their roots from our own and to put these burdens down. Go a little easier on yourself.
⭐ Know that you will never be ‘cured’. It has been a great relief to me to realise that I will not become enlightened in this lifetime (although it took me a while to let go of the fantasy, and some parts of me may still be clinging onto it!). We will continue to be fallible, limited beings. Sometimes we will be achingly vulnerable, and sometimes we will be flooded by pain or emotion. We will continue to harm ourselves and others. It is appropriate to feel sad about this. It may also help to remember that it is something you share with every other member of the human race.
⭐ Trust that roots are going down. You may have been aiming towards good things for a very long time - a reduction in your suffering, greater kindness towards yourself and others, different kinds of success in the world. Sometimes these things are very very slow to arrive. Even so, I trust that we are always putting down roots. We can’t know how many roots are already down there. It is true that there are no guarantees. Also, we can hold open the possibility that we may - at any moment - blossom.
Maybe you’ll write the headings from this list onto an index card, add your own best advice to yourself, and put it where you have easy access to it.
Before we move onto the exercises, a final piece of advice: be as gentle as you can be with yourself during this course, especially with any resistance. Pushing through resistance is, in my experience, always counter-productive. If you don’t get very far with the exercises, great - you are listening to the parts of you that are urging caution. Go at the pace of the slowest, wariest part of you. If anything feels uncomfortable, then just stop.
There’s also no obligation to use the exercises. Even if you just read this piece and don’t think about it again all week, trust that it is working away on you - finding the cracks where self-compassion can trickle in.
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Exercise for the week: Have a little experiment with my CLEAR check-in a few times a day. If you’re unfamiliar with Internal Family Systems and the whole process seems a bit complicated, just stick with number one - noticing always helps. I also describe this process in this video and there’s a longer piece describing it here.
Become Conscious of a part of you (or if you’re a Brit you can Clock It.) Notice especially when you are speaking to yourself with a tone of judgement, criticism, scorn, impatience, or anything other than compassion.
Listen to this part of you. If you feel kindly or curious towards this self-critical part of you, see what it has to say. If you don’t feel kindly towards it, become conscious of the feeling you have towards it (i.e. another part of you that understandably hates it, is afraid of it, disgusted by it etc.). Switch your attention to that part instead, and follow the CLEAR protocol. Repeat until you feel curiosity towards the original self-critical part, and don’t worry if that’s not possible.
Engage with the part. If you are willing, hang out with the part a little or have a conversation. How is it doing? Is it tired? What is it trying to do for you? What job does it have for you? What is it afraid will happen if it stopped? What might help it?
Appreciate the part. Before you finish, and if it feels possible, let this part of you know that you appreciate it. Say to it something like, ‘I see that you are trying to help me by judging me/criticising me/using a harsh tone (etc.) and I am grateful you’re working so hard for me.’ If you don’t understand why the part thinks it is helping you, that’s okay, just trust that it has a reason that makes sense to it.
Release the part. If appropriate, let it know that you will give it more attention in the future (in your journal, in therapy, when talking to a friend etc.) and go on with your day. Notice if there is any more relaxation or ease inside you - even just a teensy bit.
If at any point during this process you feel overwhelmed, blanked out, confused or anything that has an edge of discomfort or unsafeness, it may be a sign that your protective parts are wanting to keep you away from a vulnerable part of you. Just acknowledge the overwhelm and take a few steps back. If it feels appropriate you can then use the CLEAR protocol on the overwhelm but if in doubt, just take a break.
Journal prompts: What comes up in you when you consider how kind you are to yourself? How kind to themselves were your caretakers? What did you learn from parts of them? What has helped you to be kinder to yourself? If you’ve been checking in with yourself using CLEAR, what else do these parts want to tell you?
Question to carry with you: How am I talking to myself right now?
Community: Do leave a comment to let us know who you are & what your hopes or fears for the month’s course are. I’d also love to hear how you’re getting on in the comments on Thursday’s post (when I’ll be sending you a short video).
When commenting I’d encourage you to speak about your own experience and to not to give others advice unless asked to. Do encourage each other by letting folk know when they write something that helps you or that you resonate with (or when you feel for them). Find the whole course in the self-study course tab at my home page, satyarobyn.substack.com.
I look forward to hearing from you 😊 and thank you so much for being here.
Go gently,
Satya <3
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The rest of this course (on being kind to others, the Earth & on receiving kindness, plus four short accompanying videos, including this one to accompany this piece) is available to paid subscribers. If you’d like to receive them, hop on board 😊
Thank you for this. It came at just the right time. My cloak of shame is weighing heavy at the moment
Thank to those sharing about the cloaks of FAILURE and SHAME. I'm working hard to remind those parts and my JUDGMENTAL, FRUSTRATED and SAD parts that I know where they come from, that I have always done the best I could at the time even when I have done something hurtful, but still, they tell me I need to do better, I should have done better, and I know that is not logical or possible.
They tell me I cannot and should not be dependent on anyone or become a burden because that is not fair to them, and when it comes right down to it, I just want to be an equal. I keep telling the parts it's okay to feel this way, that people who love me do not believe I'm less-than even though some of the world has told me so all my life.
I try to remind those parts to find balance between giving and receiving, that accepting help from loved ones is fine, that I would do and have done the same for them, but then it all just comes around again and I forget. I can keep saying CLEAR, but then I will forget what it stands for and besides, I have so many notes, they get lost among the shuffle. And I am lousy at meditation unless I am walking. And ha, see, there I go again, saying I'm lousy and then telling my judgmental self to relax. I am reminding judgment that it's just the way my brain is, and that's okay, too.
I am reminding myself and all those parts that my brain is a bit atypical. I just don't understand how or why, and that is frustrating. I don't even know if the doctors can figure it out. I've bad a bunch of diagnoses over the decades, and no one can seem to settle on anything, and what they do say doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't match my experience. I greatly dislike labels, but I would like to know if there are others like me. I don't like feeling so alone. It makes me sad and sometimes hopeless and I have to remind myself there are others who are there, don't give up, there is always something to live for.
And then I have to tell my frustrated and sad parts to chill, it's okay, and that I may never know what's wrong, but I keep looking for answers anyway, and maybe that's not a bad thing because yes, I am deeply curious about myself and other people and many other things in the world.
Sorry to brain dump here so much, but this has weighed so heavily on me all my life and more so now, and I'm not young anymore. I have gone through decades of therapy, coaching, spiritual searches, reading, writing, self-help, etc. and you would think I would remember by now to be kinder to myself (and there is self judgment there again). It's what I would tell someone else to be, but you know, taking our own advice can be hard. And I keep forgetting when I'm in the moment. (I wish there were emojis on this interface. I'd give a big shrug and a purple heart.)
Thank you for this space and your loving, accepting heart.