Eating Our Shadow
How to turn our harsh judgements of others into good medicine
I noticed my judgement of him hovering like a mosquito. My brother had just told me he’d spent £1000 on a virtual reality gaming console. ‘Such a lot of money!!’ I swiped at the mosquito with my reluctance to be the ‘critical sister’, but it kept coming back, looking for a patch of skin to land on. And then I remembered something that stopped it in its tracks.
I remembered that, a few months ago, I had spent almost double that amount on a small Buddha.
As the memory slapped down, squashing my metaphorical mosquito, I smiled wryly at myself. My brother and I had both chosen to spend our hard-earned money on something beautiful. I chose a hand-crafted brightly enamelled Buddha from Nepal. My brother chose cutting edge technology which allowed him to kayak into the crystal clear waters of Costa Rica or Antarctica from the comfort of his living room. I got into the kayak myself and had a go - it was stunning - the sharp and luminous light1, the endless horizons, ‘dipping your head underwater’ to see the fish.
Over the years I have noticed that the parts of me2 that judge others shout more loudly in some situations than in others. I remember the sudden realisation at a conference that I was feeling witheringly critical of many of the other participants because I was experiencing social vulnerability. It was easier to dismiss the other delegates as not worthy of my time than it was to acknowledge that they might feel critical of me. Would they even like me? Was I even likeable?
I’ve also noticed recently that my judgements can be extra pungent around my family. I think I know the reason for that, but I don’t really like it… The things that I judge most harshly in them are the things that I hate to acknowledge in myself.
This applies to my judgements of friends, colleagues, celebrities and politicians too. Judge someone as greedy? Yeah, because you’re a paragon of generosity., aren’t you Satya? Feel critical of that person’s ‘unnecessary extravagance’? Remember Eddie your internal capitalist and how much you love money?
I really hate this and, like pretty much everything I hate, it has treasure in its belly. My judgements point me towards my shadow. As Robert Bly says,
[The shadow is a] long bag we drag behind us . . . We spend our life until we're twenty deciding what parts of ourselves to put in the bag, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to get them out again.
I put ‘greediness’ in my bag because it was very frowned upon when I was young - if I want to be accepted, then it’s better not to be greedy. I put ‘stinginess’ in too, because I was shamed for not being generous. I wonder what you have in the long bag you drag behind you?
It is the task of a spiritually and emotionally maturing person, which I hope I will always remain, to eat our shadows. To take back our judgements of others, and to locate these traits in our own psyches. To understand the self-protective purpose of these traits, to forgive ourselves, and to make peace with these qualities both inside of us and outside of us. To reach the bedrock of compassion underneath it all.
I am grateful for my mean judgement of my brother because it reminded me of my tendency to judge others for ‘indulging in excess’. I avoid seeing the parts of me that thirst for excess because I prefer to see myself as an aesthetic, minimalist, spiritual type. This is a shame for two reasons - one is because it’s blatantly not true, and the other is that I’m missing out on a whole world of juiciness. Excess in moderation is a wonderful thing!3 Expensive Buddhas, virtual reality consoles, posh meals out, even little things like a nap on a work day… I’d like to celebrate extravagance, and welcome it into my life.
We often guess that our shadows will taste bitter, but in my experience, they taste of raspberries or fresh pesto or maple syrup doughnuts. They are often just the medicine we need.
Go gently,
Satya <3
PS We’ll be exploring our judging parts further in this week’s Friday Prompt which goes out every week to paid subscribers. And if your finances are strained at the moment do let me know and I’ll offer you some free months with no questions asked.
PPS Here’s me on my brother’s amazing VR thingy! If only you could see what I could see…
I know that luminous light is a pleonasm but I like the sound of it and so I am keeping it in 😉 (I’m also happy to have learnt the word pleonasm, although I could have just said tautology, but where’s the fun in always using the same words?)
When I speak of parts of me I am using the Internal Family Systems model of humans, which says that we are multiple - my Intro with puppies is here and I’ve also written a four week intro course for paid subscribers.
Not just pleonasms… are we into oxymoron territory now?
I often think of my judgments of others act as mirrors, reflecting my inner self. When I form specific judgments about someone, it seems that if I delve deep enough, I can uncover something within myself that resonates powerfully with that particular judgment. However, my challenge often concerns managing the accompanying feelings of shame with the thoughts though.
This is definitely a lesson I'm still learning. As much as I try to be open minded I sometimes find myself making judgements and, while I know on second thought that they aren't really what I believe, it's hard to let go of them until I consider that maybe the root of that judgement is actually toward myself first.